vlog

Being a Career Mom is Good for Your Kids

by SoCalledMom · Oct 27, 2018

For the last 18 years of doing this whole mom thing, I always found ways to destroy myself so that I could endlessly rule the world of never good enough. You’ve been there, right? I thought so.

For me, it was only one of two ways: I work and miss out on mandatory mom-stuff and watch my kids grow up in fast forward –OR– I stay home, pace the house and wind up crying in an empty bathtub by noon because I’m watching myself grow up in fast forward. It was a can’t-win cycle. What if I was so absent that I didn’t know my kids’ teachers names every year? (that has happened). What if I was so present that my kids –and their teachers– couldn’t stand me anymore? (ahem, that also has happened).

<https://youtu.be/PkDLuWrgT5Y>

And what if I just chilled out. What if I accepted that working (ALOT even) was the best medicine–for all of us? Once I realized this, and then forced myself to have the patience to try it long enough–I began to realize my little ducklings were following in my footsteps:

Jake got a second interview at Costco. On his own!

Em scored a regular babysitting gig.

Pascal has been earning the money to pay for her USA Gymnastics competition fees via busking with her accordion.

And everyone else is helping around the house–dishes, cooking, cleaning (sort of) and finally realizing that all of the things that have magically appeared in front of them, really costs money. And is the result of hard work.

Take your daughter to work day just so happened to land on a fancy luncheon event that debuted a video I edited. This shows the kiddos how glamorous working really is…#overdoingit

The end product is less time spent together, sure. My days (and many nights) are consumed by me in front of my computer nailing deadlines and making sh*t happen. On the sidelines, this is a subconscious hip-check into feminism for all of them: Your mom works, is successful and has a meaningful life that isn’t all about you (painful to write/think/say that). Also: The time you have together is about quality not quantity. Get inspired by it.

Ring-riiing,

So Called Mom

Almost A Teenager (Hint: They STILL Need You)

by SoCalledMom · Sep 30, 2017

Towards the end of summer, my middle kid, MJ, expressed some big plans, in her usual way: quietly but with conviction.

Now that school is in full swing, she has shown me that these So-Called Plans are very much in the works.

When your child enters 6th grade, it raises no red flags of potential mother daughter disconnect–at least it didn’t for me. This is the age they’re still trying to figure out what is going on and how to fit in–without looking like they’re trying too hard. To them, you still pretty much know everything and are their greatest advocate. But 7th grade is a different story. They have crafted their own road map now, and it looks nothing like the one you gave them. They have it completely dialed, know the rough terrain and are willing to plow through it and all we can do is act like the back seat driver from here on out.

But I wondered how quickly MJ would develop this 7th grade mentality–for survival if anything else, because she was new to this middle school, neighborhood, city and state. Just add hormones and sudden self-awareness and I’ve got a whole new kid. And her summertime promises of I’m going to be popular and I’m going to make my own path had me eating out of her hand like a squirrel: Yes! Chomp chomp chomp! You got this! Chomp chomp!

However, she is quiet and a little quirky and until last week, kind of oblivious to her looks. And so, the intersection of popularity and making your own path tend to, well, never ever intersect. Until she got out her new road map and made some real adjustments and is in the process of figuring out how to navigate on her own.

The upside is that she has the entire school to herself this year. There are no siblings to relay unwanted stories up the food chain and she can try out new versions of herself without anyone reporting it to home base. She has complete authority to shape shift into whomever she wants, free from any of our judgement, which is great. I mean, it’s one thing to be the quiet middle child in a blended family with seven kids—it’s another thing to be the only one in your family with a new school as the center of your universe.

I have been checking out parenting books from the library like mad lately. I tend to flock to this information haven whenever I feel a developmental crisis coming on. I check out books with titles like “Are my kids on track?” and “Mothering with Courage” and really anything that has the word teenager in it. Like, my check out status has my librarian believing I’ve never done this before. These library binges for me are much like shopping when you’re hungry: Everything looks good. But, I’m not gonna lie, I’m awful at soaking up this information. Most of the time it doesn’t stick because it doesn’t apply. There are too many variables to consider (like having a big family), so I just use it as material to help me fall asleep at night and hope the rest of the words soak into my brain while I’m in La La Land. Well that and I just try to stay on the same road she’s on, even though she’s clearly signaled she’s in the passing lane.

Let me just say that sometimes, lessons from the middle child can be the most pleasant—even though we’re talking about another one of my tweens, transforming into a teen and dodging my childhood development desire for a pat on the back. But there’s still time to get this right! Even though I’m prepared to use my husband as a meat shield while another one of our kids turns 13, I’m working on indulging her perspective mid-metamorphosis.

The jump from tween to teen is a big one. It means leaving awkwardness behind and becoming mindful of making a place for yourself in the world. It also means suddenly caring about how you might look to others. This is a complex stage because I always want my kids to just be themselves, to not feel as though they need to conform. This is how we make the world a different and more forgiving place. But I’m just now learning that it’s just as important for them to try out other versions of themselves, knowing that this is who they are. I’m just happy to still play a part, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

So Called Mom

What Size is Body Positivity?

by SoCalledMom · Jul 15, 2017

Since I posted about Body Positivity during the World Naked Bike Ride in Portland, I have received a variety of responses. I thought it would be important to address some of the negativity since those comments seemed to come from folks who’ve completely missed the point.

Ignorant people do have a redeeming quality: they can change.

But it takes effort and a whole lot of consciousness. It takes unlearning things from a difficult childhood, releasing old hangups, and forgiving the crap that society has told them is true.

I have read articles about how thin, attractive people should have nothing to say about body image.

You’re already perfect, so stop thinking you belong among the masses who aren’t. But I truly believe that a positive body image has very little to do with what size you are. That it affects all of us, no matter what category or stigma we find ourselves in. We all have the right to contribute our voices to this movement and it’ s important not to censor one another.

Our brains are programmed to believe everything we tell it, so it’s never too late to start giving it new and improved information.

So Called Mom

Get a Job part 2: Pascal 1, Teenagers, 0

by SoCalledMom · Mar 21, 2017

When I originally wrote about jobs, I was referring to four teenagers, who to date, have done nothing about getting jobs. It looks like drive in the family comes in the form of a nine year old.

Recently and for no apparent reason, Pascal took up the accordion – which in music terms is like deciding to study Swahili. Not exactly a popular choice or with any apparent value. But she wants one of her own (hers is borrowed)….Along with a new skateboard and other skateboarding gear. When I told her the standard parent answer: We aren’t made of money, she came back with a surprising response:

Let me play on the street for money. Like a street musician. I’ll earn it.

Rather than describe what happened, let me show you.

The girl raked in almost $50 in less than an hour. Yesterday, we sat at a new spot, just out of the rain for only 20 minutes and she earned $25. She’s hooked (I’m hooked!), so we are going back today. This is what I call resourceful.

And she’s not just self-serving: she’s been playing for the retirement home down the street, bringing joy to a grateful audience.

I know I’ve got to get on the older kids, but here’s hoping a nine year old can motivate the others, as to date, there has been zero follow through. That’s my goal for this week: bust some teenage ass.

Calling the shots,

So called mom

Blended Family Goodbyes Are Never Easy

by SoCalledMom · Mar 20, 2017

Every week, part of my family breaks away.

Most of the kids in our family go back to their other parents’ house for a few days. Even though we’ve been doing this for 11 years now, it hasn’t gotten any easier. The ones that are left behind struggle a great deal with it, including me.

In this Mini-VLOG, I discuss the difficulty with having kids leave, while Leopold showcases his favorite pieces from my wardrobe (and helps me feel better).

It’s quiet around here,

So Called Mom

Using Dinner to Stay in Your Kids Lives VLOG

by SoCalledMom · Mar 17, 2017

Hi there!

Here’s a sweet mini-VLOG for today on what our busy blended family does to stay connected with one another.

If you have other tips and tricks to add, please share in the comments below, I’m always open to trying out your ideas.

Thanks and don’t forget to subscribe!

So Called Mom

Why We (over)Film Our Family

by SoCalledMom · Mar 8, 2017

We have 60 terabytes of family footage.

For the last ten years of our blended family life together, Pippin and I have been recording just about every single movement of every single member of our family. Why?
Because this life is worth capturing. Well, that’s the easy answer – the puffed-up proud mom answer. Because like anyone else, I love the obvious stuff like first steps and birthdays, Christmas and dance recitals. But the real meat of life is located in between those moments.

Such as Jake’s obsession with pulling out his siblings loose baby teeth. Any and all arguments. Emotional transitions from one parent’s house to the other. Getting sauced late Christmas Eve and sitting among hundreds of unwrapped presents. Recording our turtle dying from an overdose of anesthesia from the vet because the dog ate him.

Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 5.41.42 PM Life is just so much less staged in these moments, and I feel more connected with the realness, with my kids and my family. These are not Pinterest worthy moments: the house is a mess and the dog is shaking off his smelly wet body everywhere and the cat is eating pizza off the table and the kids are hitting each other and I’m sitting in the center of it all in that moment of truth. You know the feeling? That moment where an inner voice says to you: At one point, this was exactly what you wanted. And better yet: Do you still want it?

These filmed moments of chaos help me say yes. And with some damn conviction.

I wish I could say filming was my idea, but I actually have Pippin to thank. He’s obsessed with recording everything about our family. He claims to “find human interaction fascinating”. He says our family is the test subject—Which he uses to hone his skills on. “I like to record things that are helpful to other people. I want to help people in parenting through real life instructional videos.” Full Disclosure:

12799046_568641576638482_7182607379463116633_n At the beginning of our recorded life together, I was not that keen on being on camera all the time. When Pascal was born, a short year after we met, I was still camera shy—or at least still worried about how I looked on camera. So when Pippin assumed we’d record the birth, it was met with a resounding no. Not when I was the leading lady, huffing and puffing, uncomfortable on my back—with the potential to suddenly not be able to communicate that I wanted him to “turn that freaking thing off.”

But, three continuously recorded years later, things had changed. Leopold’s three camera cinematic set up was in the works before I even made it to the corner suite of the Nine’s Hotel. (Another post for another day, but suffice it to say, Leopold’s birth was less of a How-To guide on birthing a kid, than an intense TMI guide about the discomfort of childbirth. And when we posted that video on Youtube, it probably served as birth-control for someone.

These days I’m totally sold on being filmed at any time of the day, whatever I’m doing.

10730856_370529239783051_348553510128390596_n I now understand his reasons. I think he just thinks his family is the most amazing thing walking the Earth. He doesn’t see the mess of life; he sees family poetry. And if he blinks, it will all be aged out. Whether it’s dancing in the shower, the kids laughing, in the hospital with a broken arm, my yelling at a kid or even bawling my eyes out—it all has it’s logical place in our world together. I would even go so far as to say I get ticked off now when he’s not recording , especially during a critical family moment that we will never recapture.

This is all to give some context about why we film. It’s because to us, these moments matter. All of them. I’ve even thought about setting up a few cameras in the house, to be rolling at all times.

So then, does this make us a selfie family?

I want to say no, but all signs point to yes. And for the most part, everyone is on board, or at least tolerant. Jake is constantly criticizing us for overusing or “abusing” the cameras. When the camera turns on, Phoenix reduces his personality to resemble day old porridge. Milla dodges questions and MJ slaps her forehead. But on occasion, one of the unwilling participants gives us a gem—a small glimmer into who they are becoming. The rest of the footage is just about how they got there.

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And one of these days, I will be able to sit down and press play. Almost like I get to enjoy my life twice. At least I will never be the mom who says, “I can’t remember.”

I won’t need to remember, it’s all right here.

Aaaand cut,

So Called Mom

Next Post: Letting kids fail