So Called Mom

step parenting

Intentional Living for a Family of Nine | Let’s Get Minimal

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Two months before Christmas, I made a horrible mistake.

I started reading several books about minimalism, intentionalism, mindfulness and using the power of less to add more to your life. This recipe for disaster had me not only dragging my heels when the rest of the world was out shopping and spreading transactional cheer, but also considering the stuff we already had and finding reasons to discard & donate.

Only two trips and two Volvo-loads of stuff later, I returned home to find our stuff had multiplied.

Because, like….Christmas hits us like a tidal wave every single year. I used to run and hide, but now I charge ahead, knowing I’ll get bowled over anyway. It is a no-win scenario because in the past, we have been known to walk into Christmas with loose intentions, and way-too-high expectations. There is some kind of sick victory in loosing the battle, truly believing I’m winning (I believe that is called denial). Needless to say, everyone got what they wanted because I’m a sucker (and guilt monger) for disappointment. It’s not a bratty kid thing, I definitely think my kids understand the concept of gratitude. It’s just that there’s something missing from it all.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s a moment of pause that each of us is lacking. And in “pausing” when you are getting, getting, getting, and then maybe expressing gratitude, (i.e. taking a breather from screens: another out-of-control form of over indulgence for my family), etc–you tend to generate the kind of awareness that causes a natural assessment of consumption. And, according to all of these books I’ve plowed through–when you become aware of consuming, it spreads to all areas of your life: Self care, clearing clutter (and not just stuff, but people and jobs that no longer serve you), mental health, emotional well-being, diet and exercise….in other words, leading you towards the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of: A life of purpose–discovered through the process of letting go.

And what comes next? You guessed it: When we begin living a life that is in alignment with exactly who we strive to be–happiness is the end result.

I don’t know about you, but I’m double fisting that Kool-Aid and making an extra batch to send in the kids’ school lunches. This very clear and linear road to success has me just about throwing things out the window and I’m trying not to second guess my propensity to set us all up for failure.

Even though all of this information would have been nice to have long before Christmas, you know the So Called Mom way: Better late than never.

And in achieving this higher state of awareness, all I need to do is convince the other seven kids (plus Pippin, who is already skeptical) to hop on board.

Any tips & tricks you have on getting minimal and intentional in a big family are welcome!

In the meantime, here are the books that have exorcized my demons:

Make Space by Regina Wong

Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki

The Mindful Day by Laurie J. Cameron

Spark Joy by Marie Kondo (Spark Joy is a sequel to The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, a great introduction bookif you’re just getting your feet wet)

I hope you join us on this trip to minimal-ville. We have a long road ahead of us and an uncertain road map!

Hitch a ride, we’re just getting started!

So Called Mom

How To SURVIVE as a Step Mom

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It’s rare  for me to get deeply pissed off and vent to camera about the other so-called parents in our larger blended family but please, hear me out, because I’m going to guess my feelings are not unique to me. Being a step mom is really really hard.
Over my ten years with Pippin, I’ve become somewhat of an expert in step-mothering. And as much as I love all my kids, it’s still challenging.  And it’s not because of the kids – it’s the people we are supposedly co-parenting with.
Step-moms out there, I know you feel me.

Over the years, and the myriad of challenges I have faced down, the main thing that kept me going was  knowing that the majority of blended families break up. The statistics are not friendsly:  more than 60% of blended families break up within the year they merge.
So I made this vow: that I would not, under any circumstances, bail. I now have seven kids who are depending on this being the one constant in their lives; the thing they can depend on no matter what.  And no matter how many times the biological moms and dads try to shift the narrative to themselves and their own needs, I keep steering it back to the kids.

Ultimately my Step Mom Survival Kit includes this:

 Keep strong boundaries; refuse to play the games.

Do your part, and then some.

Stay strong, knowing that it is a thankless job.

step parenting, step mom, parenting advice, blended family, blending your family,
Yes I’m an eternal optimist, but I truly believe it all works out in the end, but perhaps not as you might have expected.  Don’t expect any pat on the back and don’t be surprised by the many jaw dropping childish games that come your way by adults. Instead – and this may take a considerable amount of work – find the pleasure in  just knowing that you did that A-plus job adding value to the lives of some kids, just because you loved them differently.

A final note: become one with your husband.

There is no other way. Get on the same page and never stray. If I say no to a sleepover because the homework wasn’t done, so does he. Blur the hell out of those “his, mine and ours” lines. We are all under the same roof and as a family, there is no special treatment. And that goes for me, as the step mom who could easily be treated especially different: like the outsider. It would be so simple to just dust my hands off at every challenge we face and say oh well, those aren’t my kids but that’s such a slap in the face to the entire family. This family has merged and so it’s all systems go and don’t look back. Lastly, lose the guilt. Lose the fantasy about what you imagine so-called Family to be. This is family, as logistically weird, dramatic and chaotic as it may be. Follow these simple rules and all of your kids will know where home is.
Rise Above Loves,
So-Called Mom

 

How to Parent a Budding Adult

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Last Friday I posted something about my most recent frustration with my oldest.  Jake  skipped his mandatory advanced placement biology exam. When he got home, he met my wrath, which resulted in my giving him the silent treatment for the rest of the weekend.
But, as the eternal optimist, I do believe these moments allow relationships to become 10x stronger than they were before.
By Sunday, we finally sat down to talk, and the conversation was straightforward and simple.  We were both visibly upset—at ourselves and at each other. I lamented that I felt I had babied him his entire life, which resulted in his not being able to do for himself at anything – not even sitting for a damn exam.  He admitted he hated my pushing him constantly to do things he didn’t/doesn’t want to do.
I told him welcome to real life; we sometimes do things we don’t want to, because it helps us later. Overcoming difficult – or challenging experiences is the fuel for more trying times, and the strength to persevere.   And the trying times are always going to be there.
But that’s the boring stuff.
What came next was the icing on the cake—the crowning jewel on my ever developing relationship with a child that is really no longer a child anymore—but just about an adult.
At the end of our discussion he said: I’m really sorry I disappointed you.
And I blurted: I’m glad you did.
I paused for moment before finishing, because I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say at first.
I’m glad you did. Because believe it or not, it is your job at this point in your life to disappoint me. Just like it’s my job to let you down, or watch you struggle. That is life. I have to push you, you have to push back. This is how the world works.
It all seemed so simple, and suddenly what happened Friday felt not only unavoidable but absolutely necessary. I’m always discovering and rediscovering different parts of parenting with him—likely because he’s my oldest. I had him when I was so young, at 22 years old—when the rest of my friends were still going to frat parties and scoring internships. We were both inexperienced and I’ve always cringed at the fact that I am learning how to parent using Jake as an example. I’ve made all the mistakes on him. So, the first kid should be disposable? I’m not so sure, because I wouldn’t ask for a do-over on any of these experiences, tough as they are.
So-Called Mom
So then, it’s fair to say we’ve been learning along side each other for almost two decades. Which means the Biology blunder on Friday was a part of his growing up. And that it’s possible that the sting I felt was really just my own growing pains in letting go.
Still Learning,
So-Called Mom