step mom

Intentional Living for a Family of Nine | Let’s Get Minimal

by SoCalledMom · Jan 2, 2019

Two months before Christmas, I made a horrible mistake.

I started reading several books about minimalism, intentionalism, mindfulness and using the power of less to add more to your life. This recipe for disaster had me not only dragging my heels when the rest of the world was out shopping and spreading transactional cheer, but also considering the stuff we already had and finding reasons to discard & donate.

Only two trips and two Volvo-loads of stuff later, I returned home to find our stuff had multiplied.

Because, like….Christmas hits us like a tidal wave every single year. I used to run and hide, but now I charge ahead, knowing I’ll get bowled over anyway. It is a no-win scenario because in the past, we have been known to walk into Christmas with loose intentions, and way-too-high expectations. There is some kind of sick victory in loosing the battle, truly believing I’m winning (I believe that is called denial). Needless to say, everyone got what they wanted because I’m a sucker (and guilt monger) for disappointment. It’s not a bratty kid thing, I definitely think my kids understand the concept of gratitude. It’s just that there’s something missing from it all.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s a moment of pause that each of us is lacking. And in “pausing” when you are getting, getting, getting, and then maybe expressing gratitude, (i.e. taking a breather from screens: another out-of-control form of over indulgence for my family), etc–you tend to generate the kind of awareness that causes a natural assessment of consumption. And, according to all of these books I’ve plowed through–when you become aware of consuming, it spreads to all areas of your life: Self care, clearing clutter (and not just stuff, but people and jobs that no longer serve you), mental health, emotional well-being, diet and exercise….in other words, leading you towards the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of: A life of purpose–discovered through the process of letting go.

And what comes next? You guessed it: When we begin living a life that is in alignment with exactly who we strive to be–happiness is the end result.

I don’t know about you, but I’m double fisting that Kool-Aid and making an extra batch to send in the kids’ school lunches. This very clear and linear road to success has me just about throwing things out the window and I’m trying not to second guess my propensity to set us all up for failure.

Even though all of this information would have been nice to have long before Christmas, you know the So Called Mom way: Better late than never.

And in achieving this higher state of awareness, all I need to do is convince the other seven kids (plus Pippin, who is already skeptical) to hop on board.

Any tips & tricks you have on getting minimal and intentional in a big family are welcome!

In the meantime, here are the books that have exorcized my demons:

Make Space by Regina Wong

Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki

The Mindful Day by Laurie J. Cameron

Spark Joy by Marie Kondo (Spark Joy is a sequel to The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, a great introduction bookif you’re just getting your feet wet)

I hope you join us on this trip to minimal-ville. We have a long road ahead of us and an uncertain road map!

Hitch a ride, we’re just getting started!

So Called Mom

Almost A Teenager (Hint: They STILL Need You)

by SoCalledMom · Sep 30, 2017

Towards the end of summer, my middle kid, MJ, expressed some big plans, in her usual way: quietly but with conviction.

Now that school is in full swing, she has shown me that these So-Called Plans are very much in the works.

When your child enters 6th grade, it raises no red flags of potential mother daughter disconnect–at least it didn’t for me. This is the age they’re still trying to figure out what is going on and how to fit in–without looking like they’re trying too hard. To them, you still pretty much know everything and are their greatest advocate. But 7th grade is a different story. They have crafted their own road map now, and it looks nothing like the one you gave them. They have it completely dialed, know the rough terrain and are willing to plow through it and all we can do is act like the back seat driver from here on out.

But I wondered how quickly MJ would develop this 7th grade mentality–for survival if anything else, because she was new to this middle school, neighborhood, city and state. Just add hormones and sudden self-awareness and I’ve got a whole new kid. And her summertime promises of I’m going to be popular and I’m going to make my own path had me eating out of her hand like a squirrel: Yes! Chomp chomp chomp! You got this! Chomp chomp!

However, she is quiet and a little quirky and until last week, kind of oblivious to her looks. And so, the intersection of popularity and making your own path tend to, well, never ever intersect. Until she got out her new road map and made some real adjustments and is in the process of figuring out how to navigate on her own.

The upside is that she has the entire school to herself this year. There are no siblings to relay unwanted stories up the food chain and she can try out new versions of herself without anyone reporting it to home base. She has complete authority to shape shift into whomever she wants, free from any of our judgement, which is great. I mean, it’s one thing to be the quiet middle child in a blended family with seven kids—it’s another thing to be the only one in your family with a new school as the center of your universe.

I have been checking out parenting books from the library like mad lately. I tend to flock to this information haven whenever I feel a developmental crisis coming on. I check out books with titles like “Are my kids on track?” and “Mothering with Courage” and really anything that has the word teenager in it. Like, my check out status has my librarian believing I’ve never done this before. These library binges for me are much like shopping when you’re hungry: Everything looks good. But, I’m not gonna lie, I’m awful at soaking up this information. Most of the time it doesn’t stick because it doesn’t apply. There are too many variables to consider (like having a big family), so I just use it as material to help me fall asleep at night and hope the rest of the words soak into my brain while I’m in La La Land. Well that and I just try to stay on the same road she’s on, even though she’s clearly signaled she’s in the passing lane.

Let me just say that sometimes, lessons from the middle child can be the most pleasant—even though we’re talking about another one of my tweens, transforming into a teen and dodging my childhood development desire for a pat on the back. But there’s still time to get this right! Even though I’m prepared to use my husband as a meat shield while another one of our kids turns 13, I’m working on indulging her perspective mid-metamorphosis.

The jump from tween to teen is a big one. It means leaving awkwardness behind and becoming mindful of making a place for yourself in the world. It also means suddenly caring about how you might look to others. This is a complex stage because I always want my kids to just be themselves, to not feel as though they need to conform. This is how we make the world a different and more forgiving place. But I’m just now learning that it’s just as important for them to try out other versions of themselves, knowing that this is who they are. I’m just happy to still play a part, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

So Called Mom

Seven Kindergartens Later: So Called Loneliness

by SoCalledMom · Sep 23, 2017

This has been a tough week…

I have been struggling with separation anxiety all week, now that all seven of my kids are finally school age, i.e. not at home anymore. I believe that in the ring of getting older, this is the right hook of empty nest syndrome, with the final jab knocking me down for the count: the kids leaving home for good.

No matter how prepared I think I am, I’m just not. I know I parade around on this page as though I haven’t given up my life for my kids, but when they’re gone like this, I realize how much I actually have. I went from grasping tiny and even medium sized hands for years to grasping at straws–in what feels like no time at all.

When Pippin and I met, it was an instant party.

Combined, we had 5 kids under age 6 when we got together. And because that wasn’t enough, we had two more. We were young ourselves, and Pippin was the perfect partner in all the blended chaos. I remember reading back then about how blended families have a 25% chance of making it past a year before they are usually faced with another divorce. That figure crushed me. I understood why, but when we blazed a trail past each year, still together and still very much in love, I knew we had cracked the code. I felt lucky, overwhelmed, tired, but well-loved and in so many different ways.

I had kids that were mine that weren’t his; kids that were his that weren’t mine; and we had kids together. It wasn’t long before I became concerned that each child would feel lost in our gaggle and made it my personal quest to ensure each one would find their way, and seek out who they are, what makes them unique, and still a very necessary cog in our crazy family wheel.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because not once did I ever think it would change.

Why? Because when we were all together, piled in our 12 passenger Econoline, or all attempting to sleep on the same never-big-enough mattress in the wee hours of the morning when they were collectively much smaller, everything was perfect. I mean, we were far from normal, but this was everything I ever wanted, without really knowing it.

Everyone around me was shocked: She could handle seven kids, let alone one? Yessir, and these kids were everything that defined, or re-defined, family for me: wacky, emotional, hilarious and inconvenient–but chock full of endless, breathtaking love. No wonder I handed over my life to them–what in the hell was I before them? I couldn’t remember because I scrubbed it from my mind for a reason. This was my life now: a permanent upgrade–or so I thought.

Fast forward to today.

Imagine seven different kindergarten goodbyes, spread out over 13 years. You’d think I was a pro by now and although I can handle back to school paperwork in my sleep these days and have even gotten really good at turning down school-wide pleas for me to join the PTA (I jest), I’m definitely not good at the letting go thing. And it’s especially compounded when they are doing so well away from me, and I need to pretend that I am too.

That’s the best picture I’ve seen you draw. You made it all the way across the monkey bars with no help? You spelled your entire name with no help? You check out a library book on spiders all by yourself? Oh, what did I do today? Well, I thought of how great you are doing and then I did some laundry. Unfortunately I had no planned response in my back pocket to offer–that was better at least, than a soggy sandwich reply like thinking of you and laundry.

So the best thing I can do for myself is to look for a job; I simply can’t take the quiet. They go do their thing during the day and I go and do mine and we can talk about it each night and I can adjust. Slowly but surely. So that I can ultimately get myself ready for those much bigger goodbyes coming down the line…and if I’m not mistaken, my first is about seven months out.

Better get good at this,

So-Called Mom

How to RECLAIM Your Husband

by SoCalledMom · Sep 13, 2017

Being in a relationship for a long time takes work.

We get so lost in being mom that it’s easy to let everything else slide. Self care is a big deal to keep at the top of your list, even though it keeps slipping to the bottom, just below wash the dog and don’t forget toilet paper.

It comes as no surprise then, that our relationship with the person we said I do to also finds its way to the bottom of that list. Most days, we can barely say Good night before falling asleep let alone get any action in to keep the game going. Which it’s why I think it’s critical to recognize the game needs a pep talk long before the whole thing is benched, if you know what I mean.

Having alone time is new to us. We have always had a little kid at home, for every single one of the 11 years we’ve been together. Last week was the end of that lifestyle and now we’re coming to terms with it. So, to keep things fresh, I wasted zero time in basically saying: We are alone during the day now. Do you remember my name? and then I cooked up something to get us on the same page again. Of course it wouldn’t be fair if I was placing this all on him. He’s usually really considerate and very aware of my needs. I’m typically the one who has the attention span of a goldfish when it comes to us time. Which is why making the first move was important to me this time around (see video in post):

I don’t want to admit it, but this could take some getting used to. When I’m in my race-car-in-a-red mode with all 7 kids needing something at once, I can think of a zillion things I dream about doing if I only had the time.

Now that I’m suddenly endowed with 8 hours to myself Monday through Friday, I’m kind of shocked that I’m at such a loss for things to do– it’s ridiculous. There is definitely room for working at getting our relationship back in shape (there always is, in my mind). And then of course, I need to remember that sweatpants and the same ratty sweater in the morning isn’t sexy and neither is my masquerading bedhead. So reclaiming myself should also get put back at the top of the list, too. We’ll see how it goes…

So-Called Mom

One Size Fits NONE Parenting

by SoCalledMom · Sep 7, 2017

Almost 20 years ago, I thought I could master parenting with one kid, and the rest would follow suit:

Raising all my other kids would be an effortless, sweat-free cake walk and I could dust my hands off at the finish line (with plenty of stamina left) and say: Well, that was really something. I’m glad I was so focused on being a good parent straight out of the gate. Yay me!

(I’ll pause to allow you to collect yourself from laughing on the floor.)

To this day, I’m not sure why I thought it would be so easy.

But one thing is for sure: parenting seven kids isn’t like having a full time job. It’s like having SEVEN full time jobs. That I volunteer at, have cleaned a lot of poop at, and if it were considered a “real job” (ahem), I’d be logging complaints with HR all day, every day (You put the rings from my jewelry box on your WHAT?!? And this isn’t the first time???). You get the idea, I’m sure.

That’s why Back to School can be such a circus around here. If I’m not tearing out my hair trying to get my nearing adult teen on a path out of the house, I’m chasing down a school bus with MJ (or chasing after her with her lunch, her flute, her backpack, her anything), or answering my phone only to discover that the So-Called Baby’s first day of kindergarten was missed because I put the wrong day on my calendar. It was TODAY?? But my letter said the….oh….today. Yes, yes, he will be there tomorrow. Sorry about that!

So much for effortless & sweat-free!

Although every one of my kids needs something special, different or a certain way to ensure semi-success, and my calendar is impossible to nail down, and so is my timeliness and, well, brain–I somehow love it. I can juggle, I can multi-task, I can withstand kid-based torture like a Navy Seal on zero sleep–even though I’m always just slightly drowning in it all. I’m grateful they broke the mold after each kid arrived because there is no room for cut-and-paste parenting in this family. By fair means or foul, these kids keeps me going.

So-Called Mom

Screen Detox for Beginners: A How-to Guide

by SoCalledMom · Aug 30, 2017

Last week was enlightening.

I learned quite a bit about my kids, myself and basically got to know our entire family more–without having screens in our faces.

We enjoyed it so much (despite the tribulations) that I thought I’d make a simple How To video (complete with real life examples!) that hopefully will inspire you to join in.

It sounds/feels/and kind of is a terrible idea to begin with, especially with all the I’m Bored commentary, but it’s totally worth it. Check out the guide above for help. I promise, the first 24 hours is the hard part–but just like anything, it gets easier with time. Plus, you get your family back!

C’mon! Join in, get your family back and start the school year off proper! Really, if I can do it, so can you.

So Called Mom

How to Treat Yourself Daily

by SoCalledMom · May 25, 2017

I posted before about the importance of lingerie and feeling sexy, but I’d like to get underneath why it’s important, key pieces to purchase, and how all of it links to self care.

If you’re anything like me, your days are insane. We run errands marathon-style, eat while balancing a baby on one hip, are signing off on homework, supervising special projects (and sometimes ending up doing them yourself), cleaning up spills and vomit and doing endless loads of laundry. That’s why it’s critical, and I mean critical, to wear something special underneath it all. I like to think of it as the mom version of the Wonder Woman costume.

Many women mistakenly believe that lingerie is for the men in their lives, or worse, only for women who don’t have kids. But I disagree. Lingerie is for YOU. It’s what can make the difference between feeling like a discarded piece of toast and my truly awesome self.

When you take the time to select something for yourself that is pretty and sexy and maybe even makes you feel like “Yowza! I look hot!” you are communicating to yourself: I am worth it.

What’s more, is not only am I worth it, but nobody has to know exactly why I feel so worth it. Trust me when I say it will translate on the outside. It makes getting dressed a routine that has become so much more than putting on underwear. It’s my daily discreet push towards increased self love.

So I’ll indulge in a so-called lingerie 101. I’m not plugging a brand for any particular reason; it’s just my personal taste. You’ll find yours.

While Victoria’s Secret is not an abomination, I don’t consider it lingerie. I just don’t feel special in their mass produced boudoir-wear. That’s not to say every piece I own is an expensive splurge, but there are pieces that exist that are fairly priced considering your sexy-mama ROI.

These are my top picks:

Expensive or not, the most important thing you can do is protect your investment.

This means putting your unmentionables into a small collapsible soft pouch outside of your regular laundry basket when they are dirty.

Then, it’s time to welcome the regular ritual of Sunday lingerie washing with open arms. I wash them all by hand carefully using a detergent made by The Laundress, a mild detergent that is so wonderful to work with, you’ll wonder where its’ been all your life. Just wash and hang dry. I suspend my lingerie above my claw foot tub, if anything, just so I can feel frivolous, important and maybe even a little bit French.

This ritual has been life changing for my Sundays, the day when most of our kids from our blended family transition to their other parents’ homes. It started out as a distraction from this huge weekly change, but now I absolutely need to do this, because it helps me feel worth it, feminine and most of all, like I’m spending significant time in self care mode. Which doesn’t just include a Sunday mask and extreme downtime/meditation—but also taking the time to prepare these beautifully designed little pieces for the week ahead.

Like I’m asking them for a favor in return: You take care of me, and I’ll take care of you. A pact.

After they are clean, put them on display, make them front and center in your dresser, or give them a drawer of their own. Never fold padded bras with one cup flipped inside out, tucked into the other. Let them lie flat, against one another. Fold your panties special too, by tucking the left side and right side behind the front and folding the bottom to the back. Bows and lace out!

Hopefully by now, you don’t think I’m crazy. But there’s another layer to this. My girls have caught on. It won’t be long before they’ll be shopping for their own matching sets, understanding the subtle art of the underpinnings. To me, this demonstrates (early on) the importance of taking care of yourself—a value that is so personal, you can only understand it by trying it and seeing how you feel and how others respond to it.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your take. Time for a mood, booty and soul-sexy overhaul!

With or Without Garters,

So-Called Mom