self care

Almost A Teenager (Hint: They STILL Need You)

by SoCalledMom · Sep 30, 2017

Towards the end of summer, my middle kid, MJ, expressed some big plans, in her usual way: quietly but with conviction.

Now that school is in full swing, she has shown me that these So-Called Plans are very much in the works.

When your child enters 6th grade, it raises no red flags of potential mother daughter disconnect–at least it didn’t for me. This is the age they’re still trying to figure out what is going on and how to fit in–without looking like they’re trying too hard. To them, you still pretty much know everything and are their greatest advocate. But 7th grade is a different story. They have crafted their own road map now, and it looks nothing like the one you gave them. They have it completely dialed, know the rough terrain and are willing to plow through it and all we can do is act like the back seat driver from here on out.

But I wondered how quickly MJ would develop this 7th grade mentality–for survival if anything else, because she was new to this middle school, neighborhood, city and state. Just add hormones and sudden self-awareness and I’ve got a whole new kid. And her summertime promises of I’m going to be popular and I’m going to make my own path had me eating out of her hand like a squirrel: Yes! Chomp chomp chomp! You got this! Chomp chomp!

However, she is quiet and a little quirky and until last week, kind of oblivious to her looks. And so, the intersection of popularity and making your own path tend to, well, never ever intersect. Until she got out her new road map and made some real adjustments and is in the process of figuring out how to navigate on her own.

The upside is that she has the entire school to herself this year. There are no siblings to relay unwanted stories up the food chain and she can try out new versions of herself without anyone reporting it to home base. She has complete authority to shape shift into whomever she wants, free from any of our judgement, which is great. I mean, it’s one thing to be the quiet middle child in a blended family with seven kids—it’s another thing to be the only one in your family with a new school as the center of your universe.

I have been checking out parenting books from the library like mad lately. I tend to flock to this information haven whenever I feel a developmental crisis coming on. I check out books with titles like “Are my kids on track?” and “Mothering with Courage” and really anything that has the word teenager in it. Like, my check out status has my librarian believing I’ve never done this before. These library binges for me are much like shopping when you’re hungry: Everything looks good. But, I’m not gonna lie, I’m awful at soaking up this information. Most of the time it doesn’t stick because it doesn’t apply. There are too many variables to consider (like having a big family), so I just use it as material to help me fall asleep at night and hope the rest of the words soak into my brain while I’m in La La Land. Well that and I just try to stay on the same road she’s on, even though she’s clearly signaled she’s in the passing lane.

Let me just say that sometimes, lessons from the middle child can be the most pleasant—even though we’re talking about another one of my tweens, transforming into a teen and dodging my childhood development desire for a pat on the back. But there’s still time to get this right! Even though I’m prepared to use my husband as a meat shield while another one of our kids turns 13, I’m working on indulging her perspective mid-metamorphosis.

The jump from tween to teen is a big one. It means leaving awkwardness behind and becoming mindful of making a place for yourself in the world. It also means suddenly caring about how you might look to others. This is a complex stage because I always want my kids to just be themselves, to not feel as though they need to conform. This is how we make the world a different and more forgiving place. But I’m just now learning that it’s just as important for them to try out other versions of themselves, knowing that this is who they are. I’m just happy to still play a part, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

So Called Mom

So-Called FREE Time: Back to School

by SoCalledMom · Sep 15, 2017

Remember this? Working on science fair projects while cleaning pasta sauce off the kitchen ceiling, balancing a gnarly diaper in one hand and a smelly baby in the other, running to answer the door because the electrical guy needs access to the breaker box (wherever that is) while the doctor’s office is calling to reschedule the appointment you’d forgotten about anyway? That was me last year. This year? Not so much, and I’m kind of weirded out by it.

Those were the days when we’d get through it all by sucking down wine at the end of the night and hopefully stealing a late night soak in the tub to wash it all (including that baby poop smell) down the drain. We’d let our minds sneak off to that place that we fondly recall as the days before we had kids…

Well, now that every last one of the kids is in school, we have free time again. And although it’s different now, and there’s really no getting back to that pre-kids place, do we know what the hell to do with ourselves? I don’t. And I didn’t prepare for it either.

What is it about being a mom that keeps us laser focused on everything else but ourselves? In the meantime, we’ve forgotten who we are as beautiful women, as a person with a passion, and a human being who makes mistakes. But in the process of being a perfect mom who balances the universe on our shoulders, never letting our kids down, we’re letting ourselves down and running ourselves into the ground–albeit with a (forced) smile on our face.

The worst part? No one really asks this of us. We just voluntarily throw ourselves off the cliff like lemmings, landing face-first and resentful as this weeks trending mom-martyr. And so, when life ~~presents us~~ crowns us with a bundle of free time each day, we sort of let it eat us alive, rather than the other way around. At least that is how I have felt the first couple of weeks have been since back-to-school surprised me with this awkward emptiness. I have not dominated my use of free time. It has knocked me out and I’m trying to get up gracefully, like it never happened.

So, check out the video above, where I detail five ways us So-Called Moms can get our groove back. If you have something to add, please do so by plugging your ideas into the comments below; I’d love to know what you do to make the most out of your time.

Have the most fabulous weekend ever,

So-Called Mom

How to RECLAIM Your Husband

by SoCalledMom · Sep 13, 2017

Being in a relationship for a long time takes work.

We get so lost in being mom that it’s easy to let everything else slide. Self care is a big deal to keep at the top of your list, even though it keeps slipping to the bottom, just below wash the dog and don’t forget toilet paper.

It comes as no surprise then, that our relationship with the person we said I do to also finds its way to the bottom of that list. Most days, we can barely say Good night before falling asleep let alone get any action in to keep the game going. Which it’s why I think it’s critical to recognize the game needs a pep talk long before the whole thing is benched, if you know what I mean.

Having alone time is new to us. We have always had a little kid at home, for every single one of the 11 years we’ve been together. Last week was the end of that lifestyle and now we’re coming to terms with it. So, to keep things fresh, I wasted zero time in basically saying: We are alone during the day now. Do you remember my name? and then I cooked up something to get us on the same page again. Of course it wouldn’t be fair if I was placing this all on him. He’s usually really considerate and very aware of my needs. I’m typically the one who has the attention span of a goldfish when it comes to us time. Which is why making the first move was important to me this time around (see video in post):

I don’t want to admit it, but this could take some getting used to. When I’m in my race-car-in-a-red mode with all 7 kids needing something at once, I can think of a zillion things I dream about doing if I only had the time.

Now that I’m suddenly endowed with 8 hours to myself Monday through Friday, I’m kind of shocked that I’m at such a loss for things to do– it’s ridiculous. There is definitely room for working at getting our relationship back in shape (there always is, in my mind). And then of course, I need to remember that sweatpants and the same ratty sweater in the morning isn’t sexy and neither is my masquerading bedhead. So reclaiming myself should also get put back at the top of the list, too. We’ll see how it goes…

So-Called Mom

What Size is Body Positivity?

by SoCalledMom · Jul 15, 2017

Since I posted about Body Positivity during the World Naked Bike Ride in Portland, I have received a variety of responses. I thought it would be important to address some of the negativity since those comments seemed to come from folks who’ve completely missed the point.

Ignorant people do have a redeeming quality: they can change.

But it takes effort and a whole lot of consciousness. It takes unlearning things from a difficult childhood, releasing old hangups, and forgiving the crap that society has told them is true.

I have read articles about how thin, attractive people should have nothing to say about body image.

You’re already perfect, so stop thinking you belong among the masses who aren’t. But I truly believe that a positive body image has very little to do with what size you are. That it affects all of us, no matter what category or stigma we find ourselves in. We all have the right to contribute our voices to this movement and it’ s important not to censor one another.

Our brains are programmed to believe everything we tell it, so it’s never too late to start giving it new and improved information.

So Called Mom

A Lesson in Body Positivity

by SoCalledMom · Jun 26, 2017

This past weekend I rode my bike completely nude with tens of thousands of strangers in Portland, Oregon.

For years, I thought I understood the reason for this wild parade of strangers: a protest on fossil fuel, bike rights and safety, and of course the biggest component of all: Getting naked to advocate for body positivity.

It wasn’t until I joined in on this spectacle that I became fully aware of the importance of the ride: In the past it felt enough to attend and show support just by being there. But my hangups over getting stripped down prevented me from joining in because, well, what if people look at me?

Well that’s kind of the point.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that when I arrived in the park, I was searching for a tree or bush to get undressed behind.

Initially, I was too embarrassed to just take it all off in the middle of an open field among so many others who were already undressed. I reminded myself why I was there and forced myself to strip down, trying not to look like I was raised by a conservative East Coast family. My cheeks went red, but my body was relieved. It was after all, dusk and still 80+ degrees out. I stashed my clothes in my bag and started walking with my bike, trying not to stare at anyone, trying to get underneath why I was so uncomfortable. And then it hit me.

As women especially, we’ve been cultivated to look at other women and compare ourselves to them.

We do it all day, every day and mostly without knowing it. We do it to judge and ultimately see how we measure up against others—hereby judging ourselves. We make assumptions based on what we see and discount all the life that has taken place in between: A bad hair day, a parking ticket, a death in the family. And then our minds file all that visual proof so we can use it to apply to ourselves destructively, as needed. When we become mothers, we do the same with our children in tow and sometimes allow ourselves to spoon feed this disgusting habit directly into their mouths because we fear we might have to explain to them what it’s like to be different, as thought it were a bad thing. Especially when all we really want is for them to belong.

But I learned that removing the barrier of clothes, that cheap and easy veil of judgement, that we really do all belong. And that even though it felt vulnerable to remove the fake security that clothing suggested to me at the start, it really was a relief. What started as a feeling of powerlessness, transformed into overwhelming strength and empowerment by the end of the night.

I realized that when nakedness is normalized, beauty comes into crystal clear focus, and judgement falls away.

I felt this empowerment take over especially for women. That for the time being, our bodies had a day off. A time-out from being exploited, shamed and encouraged to play the comparison game. We took a hiatus from being the driver of mass marketing. That for just one night our bodies could have a free moment to not be the reason food and beer looks tastier. That we could forget the torture of why bodies look so damn fresh and clean with soap running down a flat stomach unmarred by the scars of a difficult childbirth.

That I could let myself stare, oogle and giggle at all of our bodies under a better light of hope: We are different. We are shapely. We are defined by our lines, angles, our scars, our lives. What we have underneath is better than what you see on top. And it is all beautiful and exactly as it should be. Exactly you.

Please, let’s agree to stop looking at one another like we’re earmarking it for days we need to feel better or worse about ourselves. Let’s agree to notice when we are and to interrupt our thoughts by recalling the day we rode next to one another, free from judgement. Let’s embrace our thighs, our tummies, our hips and our strength; Let’s group it all together and pass it on like a gift. And let’s share all of it day after day with our kids. I promise to.

Exposed and loving it,

So-Called Mom

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MEAN Kid or REAL Bully & When to INTERVENE!

by SoCalledMom · Jun 15, 2017

Bullying is one of the hottest parenting topics out there. As one of those overly protective moms, I have often overreacted to hurt feelings. Often times, I’ve used this terminology without really understanding its side effects. Aside from putting a label on kids, it also decreases opportunities for building resilience, acceptance and most importantly: resolution.

My last two posts had me vowing to clear my helicoptering parental habits. And ever since then, I have exorcised the demons! Well, sort of. There’s still a nagging feeling that wants to govern every situation my kids simply must experience on their own. But now I’m doing my best to ignore it. Even when it comes to the neighborhood bully. So I’m working on a different approach.

Which has me putting my new set of rules to the test: Case in point, The other day Pascal’s neighborhood tribe of new pals suddenly turned on her. She spoke of some rude name-calling earlier yesterday and I fought the urge to run out on my lawn, eyes a blazing, asking which kid wanted to experience a real bully. So for a moment, I fantasized about it and then directed my attention to Pascal. How do you imagine the issue resolving itself?

And then I buttoned my lip and listened.

Pascal seemed to have it sorted until the text messages started in as we were sitting there. I suddenly realized this was a bigger problem than just a squirmy boy calling her ugly (apparently name-calling isn’t considered bullying, go figure!). These kids were only engaging in a normal act of thick-skin building meanness until they began pulling other kids into a group text, ganging up on Pascal with the promise of social exclusion as far as the our neighborhood development could see. Then she was blocked, by all of them, in unison, so she couldn’t respond. Now that, my dear mom friends, is bullying.

Learning the ins and outs of this stuff is new to me, especially now that I’m So-Called helicopter aware. And even though none of us want our kids to feel any of the above, it helps to see these problems separated out into categories so that we know when to stay grounded and listen and also when to fly in, rescue and hover like hell.

But the information on what to do is still conflicting in my mind, despite obsessively reading a number of articles between my sleeplessness last night and this mornings coffee. Step in or get out-of-the-way? Rescue or relax? What builds resilience and what feeds into self-destruction?

The difference between intervening and not isn’t a chasm dividing the two, it’s splitting hairs between championing parenthood and letting your kids down when you should’ve been there.

And even though I seem to do it plenty, I’m not into the mom-fail thing. Or letting kids get away with bullying mine.

So then, I’d Love to hear it directly from my mom group.

What would you do: Intervene or not?

That is the question,

So-Called Mom

Reminder: Enter the So-Called Self Care Giveaway!

by SoCalledMom · Jun 5, 2017

Hi Moms! A month has passed and I’m already missing the love and treats that come flooding in every Mother’s Day. So I thought: why wait until next year?

Why not make Mother’s Day, every day, right?

And so I am. Why? Because we all could use a little boost–a little reminder of self care, of self love, of accepting ourselves and each other– physically, emotionally and most of all: mentally. That’s why I’m going to spend the rest of this year, from Mothers Day to New Years Day reinventing what it means to build each other up, to tear down the mom-stigma of perfection and to support one another as we make it through this lovely, chaotic, messy life of motherhood.

For June’s Giveaway, I’m treating one lucky winner to a three month subscription to Birchbox.

You deserve to be pampered with surprises you can customize yourself. The giveaway closes June 30th at midnight pst and the winner will be notified by email within 24 hours.

Now, I’m just as busy as the next person, which is why I think it’s less important to send you on a wild goose chase to enter, and more important to just hope you’ll support my efforts to build up this mother-loving community.

So, to enter click on the link below and leave it at that: You have enough to do and I want to make sure that we are more than just numbers to each other.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

But: if you have the extra time (and of course, if you want to keep your eye on each monthly giveaway hereafter), I would love for you to follow and subscribe here:

Thank you to all the moms out there that keep me inspired to write and re-imagine the meaning of motherhood every single day!

We are all enough!

So-Called Mom