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Almost A Teenager (Hint: They STILL Need You)

by SoCalledMom · Sep 30, 2017

Towards the end of summer, my middle kid, MJ, expressed some big plans, in her usual way: quietly but with conviction.

Now that school is in full swing, she has shown me that these So-Called Plans are very much in the works.

 

 

When your child enters 6th grade, it raises no red flags of potential mother daughter disconnect–at least it didn’t for me. This is the age they’re still trying to figure out what is going on and how to fit in–without looking like they’re trying too hard. To them, you still pretty much know everything and are their greatest advocate. But 7th grade is a different story. They have crafted their own road map now, and it looks nothing like the one you gave them. They have it completely dialed, know the rough terrain and are willing to plow through it and all we can do is act like the back seat driver from here on out.

But I wondered how quickly MJ would develop this 7th grade mentality–for survival if anything else, because she was new to this middle school, neighborhood, city and state. Just add hormones and sudden self-awareness and I’ve got a whole new kid. And her summertime promises of I’m going to be popular and I’m going to make my own path had me eating out of her hand like a squirrel: Yes! Chomp chomp chomp! You got this! Chomp chomp!

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However, she is quiet and a little quirky and until last week, kind of oblivious to her looks. And so, the intersection of popularity and making your own path tend to, well, never ever intersect. Until she got out her new road map and made some real adjustments and is in the process of figuring out how to navigate on her own.

The upside is that she has the entire school to herself this year. There are no siblings to relay unwanted stories up the food chain and she can try out new versions of herself without anyone reporting it to home base. She has complete authority to shape shift into whomever she wants, free from any of our judgement, which is great. I mean, it’s one thing to be the quiet middle child in a blended family with seven kids—it’s another thing to be the only one in your family with a new school as the center of your universe.

I have been checking out parenting books from the library like mad lately. I tend to flock to this information haven whenever I feel a developmental crisis coming on. I check out books with titles like “Are my kids on track?” and “Mothering with Courage” and really anything that has the word teenager in it. Like, my check out status has my librarian believing I’ve never done this before. These library binges for me are much like shopping when you’re hungry: Everything looks good. But, I’m not gonna lie, I’m awful at soaking up this information. Most of the time it doesn’t stick because it doesn’t apply. There are too many variables to consider (like having a big family), so I just use it as material to help me fall asleep at night and hope the rest of the words soak into my brain while I’m in La La Land. Well that and I just try to stay on the same road she’s on, even though she’s clearly signaled she’s in the passing lane.

Let me just say that sometimes, lessons from the middle child can be the most pleasant—even though we’re talking about another one of my tweens, transforming into a teen and dodging my childhood development desire for a pat on the back. But there’s still time to get this right! Even though I’m prepared to use my husband as a meat shield while another one of our kids turns 13, I’m working on indulging her perspective mid-metamorphosis.

The jump from tween to teen is a big one. It means leaving awkwardness behind and becoming mindful of making a place for yourself in the world. It also means suddenly caring about how you might look to others. This is a complex stage because I always want my kids  to just be themselves, to not feel as though they need to conform. This is how we make the world a different and more forgiving place. But I’m just now learning that it’s just as important for them to try out other versions of themselves, knowing that this is who they are. I’m just happy to still play a part, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

So Called Mom

 

 

Filed Under: parenting advice, teenagers Tagged With: advice, blended family, family time, mom blog, mom blogger, mom life, mom vlog, mom vlogger, motherhood, parenting advice, raising strong girls, reality tv, self care, self love, so-called mom, step mom, vlog

Seven Kindergartens Later: So Called Loneliness

by SoCalledMom · Sep 23, 2017

This has been a tough week…

 

I have been struggling with separation anxiety all week, now that all seven of my kids are finally school age, i.e. not at home anymore. I believe that in the ring of getting older, this is the right hook of empty nest syndrome, with the final jab knocking me down for the count: the kids leaving home for good.

No matter how prepared I think I am, I’m just not. I know I parade around on this page as though I haven’t given up my life for my kids, but when they’re gone like this, I realize how much I actually have. I went from grasping tiny and even medium sized hands for years to grasping at straws–in what feels like no time at all.

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When Pippin and I met, it was an instant party.

Combined, we had 5 kids under age 6 when we got together. And because that wasn’t enough, we had two more. We were young ourselves, and Pippin was the perfect partner in all the blended chaos. I remember reading back then about how blended families have a 25% chance of making it past a year before they are usually faced with another divorce. That figure crushed me. I understood why, but when we blazed a trail past each year, still together and still very much in love, I knew we had cracked the code. I felt lucky, overwhelmed, tired, but well-loved and in so many different ways.

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I had kids that were mine that weren’t his; kids that were his that weren’t mine; and we had kids together. It wasn’t long before I became concerned that each child would feel lost in our gaggle and made it my personal quest to ensure each one would find their way, and seek out who they are, what makes them unique, and still a very necessary cog in our crazy family wheel.

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Why am I telling you all of this? Because not once did I ever think it would change.

Why? Because when we were all together, piled in our 12 passenger Econoline, or all attempting to sleep on the same never-big-enough mattress in the wee hours of the morning when they were collectively much smaller, everything was perfect. I mean, we were far from normal, but this was everything I ever wanted, without really knowing it.

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Everyone around me was shocked: She could handle seven kids, let alone one? Yessir, and these kids were everything that defined, or re-defined, family for me: wacky, emotional, hilarious and inconvenient–but chock full of endless, breathtaking love. No wonder I handed over my life to them–what in the hell was I before them? I couldn’t remember because I scrubbed it from my mind for a reason. This was my life now: a permanent upgrade–or so I thought.

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Fast forward to today.

Imagine seven different kindergarten goodbyes, spread out over 13 years. You’d think I was a pro by now and although I can handle back to school paperwork in my sleep these days and have even gotten really good at turning down school-wide pleas for me to join the PTA (I jest), I’m definitely not good at the letting go thing. And it’s especially compounded when they are doing so well away from me, and I need to pretend that I am too.

That’s the best picture I’ve seen you draw. You made it all the way across the monkey bars with no help? You spelled your entire name with no help? You check out a library book on spiders all by yourself? Oh, what did I do today? Well, I thought of  how great you are doing and then I did some laundry. Unfortunately I had no planned response in my back pocket to offer–that was better at least, than a soggy sandwich reply like thinking of you and laundry.so called mom, blended family, step parenting, step mom,

So the best thing I can do for myself is to look for a job; I simply can’t take the quiet. They go do their thing during the day and I go and do mine and we can talk about it each night and I can adjust. Slowly but surely. So that I can ultimately get myself ready for those much bigger goodbyes coming down the line…and if I’m not mistaken, my first is about seven months out.

Better get good at this,

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: kids, parenting advice, relationship, self care, vlog Tagged With: back to school, blended family, empty nest syndrome, getting older, mom blog, mom life, mom vlog, reality tv, sadness, saying goodbye, so-called mom, step family, step mom, step parent

So-Called FREE Time: Back to School

by SoCalledMom · Sep 15, 2017

Remember this? Working on science fair projects while cleaning pasta sauce off the kitchen ceiling, balancing a gnarly diaper in one hand and a smelly baby in the other, running to answer the door because the electrical guy needs access to the breaker box (wherever that is) while the doctor’s office is calling to reschedule the appointment you’d forgotten about anyway? That was me last year. This year? Not so much, and I’m kind of weirded out by it.

 

Those were the days when we’d get through it all by sucking down wine at the end of the night and hopefully stealing a late night soak in the tub to wash it all (including that baby poop smell) down the drain. We’d let our minds sneak off to that place that we fondly recall as the days before we had kids…

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Well, now that every last one of the kids is in school, we have free time again. And although it’s different now, and there’s really no getting back to that pre-kids place, do we know what the hell to do with ourselves? I don’t. And I didn’t prepare for it either.

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What is it about being a mom that keeps us laser focused on everything else but ourselves? In the meantime, we’ve forgotten who we are as beautiful women, as a person with a passion, and a human being who makes mistakes. But in the process of being a perfect mom who balances the universe on our shoulders, never letting our kids down, we’re letting ourselves down and running ourselves into the ground–albeit with a (forced) smile on our face.

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The worst part? No one really asks this of us. We just voluntarily throw ourselves off the cliff like lemmings, landing face-first and resentful as this weeks trending mom-martyr. And so, when life presents us crowns us with a bundle of free time each day, we sort of let it eat us alive, rather than the other way around. At least that is how I have felt the first couple of weeks have been since back-to-school surprised me with this awkward emptiness. I have not dominated my use of free time. It has knocked me out and I’m trying to get up gracefully, like it never happened.

So, check out the video above, where I detail five ways us So-Called Moms can get our groove back. If you have something to add, please do so by plugging your ideas into the comments below; I’d love to know what you do to make the most out of your time.

Have the most fabulous weekend ever,

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: self care, vlog Tagged With: advice, blended family, body positive, feminism, mom blog, mom blogger, mom life, mom vlog, mompreneur, parenthood, reality tv, self care, self love

How to RECLAIM Your Husband

by SoCalledMom · Sep 13, 2017

Being in a relationship for a long time takes work.

We get so lost in being mom that it’s easy to let everything else slide. Self care is a big deal to keep at the top of your list, even though it keeps slipping to the bottom, just below wash the dog and don’t forget toilet paper. 

blended family, step mom, step dad, family therapy, reality tv

It comes as no surprise then, that our relationship with the person we said I do to also finds its way to the bottom of that list. Most days, we can barely say Good night before falling asleep let alone get any action in to keep the game going. Which it’s why I think it’s critical to recognize the game needs a pep talk long before the whole thing is benched, if you know what I mean.

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Having alone time is new to us. We have always had a little kid at home, for every single one of the 11 years we’ve been together. Last week was the end of that lifestyle and now we’re coming to terms with it. So, to keep things fresh, I wasted zero time in basically saying: We are alone during the day now. Do you remember my name? and then I cooked up something to get us on the same page again. Of course it wouldn’t be fair if I was placing this all on him. He’s usually really considerate and very aware of my needs. I’m typically the one who has the attention span of a goldfish when it comes to us time. Which is why making the first move was important to me this time around (see video in post):

 

I don’t want to admit it, but this could take some getting used to. When I’m in my race-car-in-a-red mode with all 7 kids needing something at once, I can think of a zillion things I dream about doing if I only had the time.

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Now that I’m suddenly endowed with 8 hours to myself Monday through Friday, I’m kind of shocked that I’m at such a loss for things to do– it’s ridiculous. There is definitely room for working at getting our relationship back in shape (there always is, in my mind). And then of course, I need to remember that sweatpants and the same ratty sweater in the morning isn’t sexy and neither is my masquerading bedhead. So reclaiming myself should also get put back at the top of the list, too. We’ll see how it goes…

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: relationship, self care Tagged With: advice, blended family, counseling, husband, mom vlog, reality tv, relationship care, self care, step dad, step mom, therapy, wife

Back to School: KINDERGARTEN FAIL

by SoCalledMom · Sep 9, 2017

I still can’t decide if missing my So-Called Baby’s first day of kindergarten has done me any favors or not.

And when I say, miss, I mean really miss, as in all of us, missing kindergarten–including the kindergartener. That was a serious wtf moment on my part.

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Is there anything worse than waltzing in a day late, becoming an instant winner for the Most Clueless Parent award?

No, there isn’t.

But, in the So-Called Mom spirit, I have discovered the bright side to screwing up (again). And that is: It’s far less painful to send your last baby off to school when you don’t have time to wallow in the loss. I was just getting ready to dip my toe in to test those wallowing waters, when I got the call from the school essentially shouting: Come on in, the water’s fine!

see video:

And it is fine. I just feel a little short changed. I wanted the same experience as any other mom. I wanted to be able to weep like an idiot while pretending to not nurture the insecurity of my nervous, new-backpack-clinging kid. I wanted to tear him off of my leg in the classroom and leave so I could walk my trauma down the hall like it was a life sentence.

Instead, we skipped all that nonsense and shoehorned ourselves into a no-big-deal second day at school.

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Was it for the better? I’m leaning towards yes, but I don’t know if that’s just to make myself feel good about messing it up. Everything happens for a reason–so maybe this was to make the transition slightly more sane.

In any case, I need to step up my game so the teacher knows I’m not a flake (because I’m not). I signed up to volunteer in the classroom, and I really want to be one of those very present and very dependable moms at school. Of course I’ll make 20 color copies and staple packets for you. Of course I’ll read age-appropriate stories to them while you grade papers. Of course I’ll stand outside in the rain during recess for extra supervision. The fact that I forgot the first day of school doesn’t mean anything–a mere coincidence beyond my control. 

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Even if I become the New (and Improved) So-Called School Super Mom, it doesn’t take away the fact that I have never-before-seen free time on my hands. Besides cleaning the house like a psycho while the kids are gone, I think I’m going to make some intentional plans with my husband to get us both on the same page again. We’ll see if we remember each others names first and then go from there.

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: parenting advice, So-Called Mom FAIL Tagged With: back to school, blended family, kindergarten fail, mom blog, mom vlog, real mom, reality show, reality tv, so-called mom, youtube mom

Screen Detox for Beginners: A How-to Guide

by SoCalledMom · Aug 30, 2017

Last week was enlightening.

I learned quite a bit about my kids, myself and basically got to know our entire family more–without having screens in our faces.

We enjoyed it so much (despite the tribulations) that I thought I’d make a simple How To video (complete with real life examples!) that hopefully will inspire you to join in.

 

It sounds/feels/and kind of is a terrible idea to begin with, especially with all the I’m Bored commentary, but it’s totally worth it. Check out the guide above for help. I promise, the first 24 hours is the hard part–but just like anything, it gets easier with time. Plus, you get your family back!

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C’mon! Join in, get your family back and start the school year off proper! Really, if I can do it, so can you.

So Called Mom

Filed Under: parenting advice, teenagers, vlog Tagged With: blended family, mom blog, mom life, mom vlog, parenting advice, portland oregon, reality tv, screen addict, screen detox, screen free, step mom

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