parenting advice

Almost A Teenager (Hint: They STILL Need You)

by SoCalledMom · Sep 30, 2017

Towards the end of summer, my middle kid, MJ, expressed some big plans, in her usual way: quietly but with conviction.

Now that school is in full swing, she has shown me that these So-Called Plans are very much in the works.

When your child enters 6th grade, it raises no red flags of potential mother daughter disconnect–at least it didn’t for me. This is the age they’re still trying to figure out what is going on and how to fit in–without looking like they’re trying too hard. To them, you still pretty much know everything and are their greatest advocate. But 7th grade is a different story. They have crafted their own road map now, and it looks nothing like the one you gave them. They have it completely dialed, know the rough terrain and are willing to plow through it and all we can do is act like the back seat driver from here on out.

But I wondered how quickly MJ would develop this 7th grade mentality–for survival if anything else, because she was new to this middle school, neighborhood, city and state. Just add hormones and sudden self-awareness and I’ve got a whole new kid. And her summertime promises of I’m going to be popular and I’m going to make my own path had me eating out of her hand like a squirrel: Yes! Chomp chomp chomp! You got this! Chomp chomp!

However, she is quiet and a little quirky and until last week, kind of oblivious to her looks. And so, the intersection of popularity and making your own path tend to, well, never ever intersect. Until she got out her new road map and made some real adjustments and is in the process of figuring out how to navigate on her own.

The upside is that she has the entire school to herself this year. There are no siblings to relay unwanted stories up the food chain and she can try out new versions of herself without anyone reporting it to home base. She has complete authority to shape shift into whomever she wants, free from any of our judgement, which is great. I mean, it’s one thing to be the quiet middle child in a blended family with seven kids—it’s another thing to be the only one in your family with a new school as the center of your universe.

I have been checking out parenting books from the library like mad lately. I tend to flock to this information haven whenever I feel a developmental crisis coming on. I check out books with titles like “Are my kids on track?” and “Mothering with Courage” and really anything that has the word teenager in it. Like, my check out status has my librarian believing I’ve never done this before. These library binges for me are much like shopping when you’re hungry: Everything looks good. But, I’m not gonna lie, I’m awful at soaking up this information. Most of the time it doesn’t stick because it doesn’t apply. There are too many variables to consider (like having a big family), so I just use it as material to help me fall asleep at night and hope the rest of the words soak into my brain while I’m in La La Land. Well that and I just try to stay on the same road she’s on, even though she’s clearly signaled she’s in the passing lane.

Let me just say that sometimes, lessons from the middle child can be the most pleasant—even though we’re talking about another one of my tweens, transforming into a teen and dodging my childhood development desire for a pat on the back. But there’s still time to get this right! Even though I’m prepared to use my husband as a meat shield while another one of our kids turns 13, I’m working on indulging her perspective mid-metamorphosis.

The jump from tween to teen is a big one. It means leaving awkwardness behind and becoming mindful of making a place for yourself in the world. It also means suddenly caring about how you might look to others. This is a complex stage because I always want my kids to just be themselves, to not feel as though they need to conform. This is how we make the world a different and more forgiving place. But I’m just now learning that it’s just as important for them to try out other versions of themselves, knowing that this is who they are. I’m just happy to still play a part, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

So Called Mom

Screen Detox for Beginners: A How-to Guide

by SoCalledMom · Aug 30, 2017

Last week was enlightening.

I learned quite a bit about my kids, myself and basically got to know our entire family more–without having screens in our faces.

We enjoyed it so much (despite the tribulations) that I thought I’d make a simple How To video (complete with real life examples!) that hopefully will inspire you to join in.

It sounds/feels/and kind of is a terrible idea to begin with, especially with all the I’m Bored commentary, but it’s totally worth it. Check out the guide above for help. I promise, the first 24 hours is the hard part–but just like anything, it gets easier with time. Plus, you get your family back!

C’mon! Join in, get your family back and start the school year off proper! Really, if I can do it, so can you.

So Called Mom

SURVIVING SCREEN FREE WEEK: This is What BORED Looks Like.

by SoCalledMom · Aug 25, 2017

This week I have learned a very important lesson. Being BORED is not a bad thing.

In fact, the negative aspect of going screen-free with your kids can and will be flipped and even flip on it’s own, in time. Putting our phones away for an entire week (or more if I get my way) has turned into a family luxury all of the sudden.

In a world where our brains receive a constant typhoon of information via our screens, it’s a welcome relief to halt that influx of individualized stimuli. The result?

We suddenly have nothing to do.

When we find ourselves in this spot, seen as a void in the beginning, we are creating space for our minds to have downtime. To relax and release accumulated stress and also to return to a natural state of imagination, exploration and inventiveness. And I’m not talking about putting the screen down for a few hours. I mean days– weeks even. It’s magical.

The kids have especially shown me how detaching from screens is essential, so we can thrive elsewhere in life:

And while they are still asking me how many days and hours are left until they get their devices back, those requests are dwindling. Which means we are slowly getting back to the land of Here is how you make fun without having something or someone do it for you. Also known as: Parental Paradise.

So-Called Mom

How to make up for WEAK Parenting

by SoCalledMom · Aug 10, 2017

We are at the halfway point with Jake being at Outward Bound. Even though we haven’t heard from him at all, I already know how much change and growth is happening. I know because I can feel it happening to me. I feel strength, confidence and like a huge leap has been taken into adulthood. And I haven’t been there to hinder him.

I hate to make it about me, but I fully recognize that I was a big part of the problem.

Case in point, here I am tying his shoes, not once, but twice, in the last week leading up to this thing.

Embarrassing, I know!

This is a really good exercise in accountability. I really believe that most of us So-Called Moms don’t intentionally meddle or try to mess up our kids. I think we have babies, teach them to survive and then continue, out of habit, to teach them they need us. For everything. And then we get frustrated when they get frustrated with us for not letting them take on their own life, even when they are sending very clear messages.

It’s never too late to redeem yourself for all those years you did some crazy hand holding when it definitely was not needed. I’m excited to see him, but I’m also excited to have him come back and be unfamiliar to me. He’s on his own now.

I’m grateful for this program. I knew I would be, but this is a different level. I feel like Outward Bound is our family’s version of what most parents would consider Yale or Harvard for their kid. There is nothing more to say about it. I’m beaming just sitting here writing about an experience I am really only speculating about. And the bast part is knowing that it’s not speculation, but intuition. And that’s all I need to become the parent that I’ve always wanted to be.

So-Called Mom

Life Begins When You Let Go of Your Kids

by SoCalledMom · Aug 3, 2017

Letting go of your kids is the hardest part about parenting.

Which makes sense because we often quit our own life so we can dedicate it to someone else–to teach them how to crawl, walk, eat, sleep, go to school, make friends, study, make the team, graduate on time, and ultimately leave the house in one piece (and hopefully with rave reviews and 5 stars on your parenting skill card). So it’s no wonder we get carried away on our parenting adventure–that we forget they need adventure of their own.

Still, no one has really asked us to quit our lives to focus on theirs, per se, but we do it because we think it’s what is best. And it might be, for the first handful of years, but after awhile, it all just turns into bad habits. Really bad habits. Or repeat nightmares that sound like: mom, I can make my own sandwich or worse– mom, I can tie my own shoes; ask for her number myself; tell my friends no…and what I’m also doing is trying to tell you no.

I believe the gray area between helping your toddler and your 17-year-old figure things out for themselves is called meddling.

And I have become such an expert at meddling for so long that it has turned into Jake believing he can’t do anything–which has killed his self esteem. However, the best part about being a So-Called Mom, is that there is always redemption waiting in the wings (ta-da!). Which means, I decided to pull the plug on myself, while also shocking him back to life, by signing him up for 2 weeks of wild, survival based Outward Bound goodness.

I understand that putting him on that bus full of strangers headed for the woods will be much like putting a cat in a toilet, but I’m going through with it because I know it’s what he needs.

It’s what we both need. He’s going to be out there, freaking out on the first day I’m sure, but kicking ass by the time it’s through. I’m also open to him not being too thrilled about the experience when I pick him up two weeks from now, but I do think he will be able to look back on this and get what he needs out of it. And if he doesn’t, well, there’s always next summer. 😉

So-Called Mom

Is Feminism a Dirty Word?

by SoCalledMom · Jul 29, 2017

I’ve learned much more about feminism than I could’ve imagined this month. At times, the focus on this theme was overwhelming because well, I’m pretty freaking far from being an expert. And the hardest part about getting in the ring (because feminism sure isn’t a spectator sport), is looking like you’re not repping very well. There’s nothing worse than swinging around with your dukes up like a cartoon character and having your ass handed to you from someone who knows what they’re talking about. I mean, since I am a woman, I should look and talk like I eat feminism for breakfast. But I don’t. Or didn’t rather, until now.

I remember taking a woman studies course in college in 1996 (basically yesterday, gasp). I sat in the back and never raised my hand. I didn’t feel like I had a voice worth sharing because I felt overshadowed by the women that could ace the course with their eyes closed because it was built into their DNA.

They breathed feminism, while I choked on it.

As the only girl raised in an all boy family, I had zero feminism roaring through my blood stream. I also didn’t understand hating men–because they were often my best friends. As a matter of fact, I clearly remembered high school was the place where girls were the problem: so catty and cruel. And so, sitting in that lecture hall felt no different, like a cult-clubhouse: You’re either with us or you’re against us.

I never asked to have both worlds because asking about it scared the shit out of me.

I just decided that anger and intimidation was not my style and I also decided never to take another class like that again. I had assumed they all must be the same. Then I cemented the fact that feminism was not for me because I didn’t fit into one ounce of what it looked like. I loved dresses and heels and lipgloss. I loved lace bras and matching underwear and having a man open a door for me and even order my dinner while I sat right in front of him, very capable of doing it myself.

And because of this very feminist-focused month, I’ve come to learn though you, dear readers, and my own family–that feminism for everyone–regardless of your gender and whatever you wear to express yourself.

So about that word: feminism. It does stir up some hella-intense imagery, doesn’t it? And it’s important imagery too–Feminism has an potent, gritty history because we had to go there. But the images of the past are now stereotypes. And they are watering down the original meaning of feminism that could be scaring off it’s future use. Equality is where it’s at.

Re-establishing our beliefs and re-assigning our truths based not on sex, but our unstoppable selves is what will create the kind of kickass world we all want to live in.

As always, your insight and sentiments mean so much to me. I’d love to hear your side and have it help me shape my new perspective on feminism.

So-Called Mom

Teaching Full Throttle Feminism

by SoCalledMom · Jul 1, 2017

This has been a wonderfully energizing week since I posted about Body Positivity. The response from the greater So-Called Mom community has been overwhelming and helped me appreciate that I have reached a few people. More importantly, you’ve truly motivated me with your support.

It’s tough being a parent, and basically unreachable to be a perfect mom, so I’m glad to keep meeting moms and dads out there who are also just making it up as we go along.

I’ve been inspired by the conversations I’ve had with many of you over the past weeks and by my four incredible girls to do something different.

I’m going to wrap the entire month of July around one theme: raising feminists. And, there will be a thoughtful giveaway to help us connect and celebrate.

Let me explain my thinking: The world being what it is – and I won’t get into politics here – it’s ever more important that women of all ages find their voices and gain the confidence to discover who they are or want to be. And while I’ve never been one for labels, I’m ready to call it out now. And more importantly, raise my kids to feel comfortable calling themselves feminists.

Both the girls and the boys.

It’s not enough just to be a strong mom thinking it’s all going to filter down. It doesn’t happen like that.

I’m going to use my mom-soapbox both inside and outside the home to up my game. Let’s together spend the next month having the conversation about raising the next generation of feminists. Loud, nasty, confident, powerful young women and men who will run for office, fight for rights, skateboard, invent, design, build, start companies and make general noise without any bias towards gender.

Power to you,

So-Called Mom