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So Called Minimalism | Marie Kondo Sparks Joy with the Konmari Method

by SoCalledMom · Jan 16, 2019

minimalism, intentionalism, intentional living, clearing clutter, konmari, marie kondo, spark joy, new years resolutions, swedish death cleaning, blended family, mindfulness, mom vlogger, mom blog, letting go, freedom, tidying up, tidy, goodbye things, lets get minimal, too much stuff, fumio sasaki, japanese minimalism, make space, get organized, organization, california closets, big family, muji, real simple magazine, with kids, Konmari Method,
Me after the first purge.

When you’re in a big blended family, clutter feels inevitable and living minimally feels unattainable. I mean, for starters, I collect kids, and they collect all the things: rocks, transformers, slime, unicorns, hair accessories, makeup, books, markers, movies, knickknacks, apps, cookie crumbs, dust, grime, yuck. It’s exponential—like a black hole of swirling stuff that, when piled altogether, looks more like garbage and not like things at all. It’s like living inside of one huge junk drawer.

Christmas tree hunting with 7 kids!

To be honest, I think I am affected the most by it because I’m the one who cleans the most. So I noticed the buildup the most. While cleaning, I would move things from point A to point B and then back again until I came to terms with the fact that there really wasn’t a spot for whatever it is. But I still wouldn’t get rid of it because I never understood the problem, until now.

Another good reason to purge is we could never find anything. There wasn’t a designated spot for things–now there is. Also the kids’ rooms were always a mess because there was too much. Their disorganization and sloppy living situation wasn’t their fault–they were, in reality, just following my lead :-/. Dealing with the stuff takes alot of time and I want to deal with it less and less–but once and for all.

I mean….I probably did my own nails three times a year….

So to ease the chaos and become more environmentally responsible (end goal in sight), I’m trying something new in the hopes that it makes me, and therefore my family, more aware of how we are a part of this planet.

It starts with education. I’ve read everything I could about living minimally, decluttering and living mindfully—all at once . The reason Marie Kondo’s book is such a hit is because in between adorable Japanese musings of decluttering, we actually are getting a step-by step lesson in how to get rid of stuff that doesn’t spark joy. Indeed, when you start with stuff that has less emotion tied to it (i.e. clothes) it’s easier to rid yourself of things that are emotional to let go of (i.e. that stupid necklace from an ex-boyfriend I’ve had in my jewelry box…seriously…why was it in there and what gave it the right to take up that kind of important space for SO LONG? Yes I cried when I put it in the go-away pile).

The art of tidying up, of decluttering, of minimizing and all the other lingo is really about the art of letting go. When you let go of things that don’t spark joy, you become profoundly aware of what does spark joy. Suddenly you’re surrounded by that stuff, and that stuff only and voila! Life is better. 

This is easier to do on your own, than in a family of nine, where the kids have had to face their own things and not necessarily on their own terms. A great point was brought up by one of my teens: paying attention to the difference between joy and guilt when parting with things. For example: This object under your bed that you forgot about was a gift and you don’t exactly love it, but feel ungrateful getting rid of it. Fumio Sasaki’s Goodbye, Things addresses this issue several times to a T. If you’re reading Marie Kondo’s books (The Life-Chanaging Magic of Tidying Up & her sequel Spark Joy) , please read Sasaki’s book along side it—it’s great supportive material.

And here’s something new: getting rid of stuff has all of us reconciling: diet & exercise, people & relationships, jobs and tasks–it has cascaded into the realization that we have choices to make and when we’re more present & conscious and far less distracted, we’re at the helm of how our lives go.

I have also learned this is a practice and not an end game, via Regina Wong’s Make Space. There will be mistakes and we will need to edit as time goes on, but this big purge is astounding enough to make us all acutely aware of consumption. Our discard pile is still growing and what’s amazing is that no-one is visiting it, changing their mind about putting something there. At the same time we’re learning about needs versus wants, and when we think we need, we’re prompted to ask ourselves…yeah but, do we really really need it?

SOLD! 🙁
Letting go of Leopold’s toddler toys meant
saying goodbye to an era that clearly defined me.

Decluttering things that are closer to the heart is so crazy emotional. There is no other way around it, than to just let it be. I have allowed myself to sit with the emotions of letting go of something that might seem materialistic and trivial —but difficult for me. How is it that a material object can become so gummed up with sentimentality that it feels like I’m casting a puppy into a volcano? I have had this awful experience recently while getting rid of Leopold’s wooden firehouse. I made myself post it on Facebook Marketplace and when we let it go, I was overcome with such grief, that it took me the rest of the day to recover. I felt heartless, sick to my stomach and wondered if what I really did was give away something that sparked joy. I was worried that I ignored my gut feeling and mad a mistake.

This is my happy place…and also my sad place.
It helps to think about the day going down the drain when the days are difficult.

But After awhile of sitting with the grief, I began to realize why: It wasn’t the object at all, but the meaning it held. I was ultimately coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have babies anymore. After 18 years, we officially have no-one to pass toys and books and clothes down to. There is no need to open up the baby bins and pull out our favorites. Those things have reached the end of the line and it was time for them to move on. Even writing that ties my stomach in knots. Leopold is not a baby, nor is he a toddler anymore—and there is no-one to fill his shoes—literally. 🙁 I have A LOT of letting go to do in that department. For now, I have a favorites bin that my heart-wrenching baby stuff goes into (well, a few bins…it’s a process).

In many ways tidying up and agreeing to live more minimally has helped me do more than reclaim my sanity. Clutter takes time to clean, takes money to purchase and then store and ultimately blocks joy and serenity, preventing personal growth. But cutting it all loose enables the process of letting go, of acceptance and finally, creating space for living a better life. Not just for you, but for your whole family.

Trust me….you don’t want to see the before images….

Together we’ve set a goal: Can the things we let go of be turned into money and be put into savings? Can every impulse to buy something also get turned over to savings as well? Can that savings amass to the point of buying us all that vacation we’ve been talking about going on for years? The answer is yes. It’s time for a new chapter for our family. We’re learning that being together is all we really need.

Filed Under: Intentional Living, self care Tagged With: big family, blended family, fumio sasaki, get organized, goodbye things, intentional living, intentionalism, japanese minimalism, konmari, Konmari Method, lets get minimal, letting go, Marie Kondo, mindfulness, minimalism, mom blog, mom vlogger, new years resolutions, organization, real simple magazine, Spark Joy, swedish death cleaning, tidy, tidying up, too much stuff

Almost A Teenager (Hint: They STILL Need You)

by SoCalledMom · Sep 30, 2017

Towards the end of summer, my middle kid, MJ, expressed some big plans, in her usual way: quietly but with conviction.

Now that school is in full swing, she has shown me that these So-Called Plans are very much in the works.

 

 

When your child enters 6th grade, it raises no red flags of potential mother daughter disconnect–at least it didn’t for me. This is the age they’re still trying to figure out what is going on and how to fit in–without looking like they’re trying too hard. To them, you still pretty much know everything and are their greatest advocate. But 7th grade is a different story. They have crafted their own road map now, and it looks nothing like the one you gave them. They have it completely dialed, know the rough terrain and are willing to plow through it and all we can do is act like the back seat driver from here on out.

But I wondered how quickly MJ would develop this 7th grade mentality–for survival if anything else, because she was new to this middle school, neighborhood, city and state. Just add hormones and sudden self-awareness and I’ve got a whole new kid. And her summertime promises of I’m going to be popular and I’m going to make my own path had me eating out of her hand like a squirrel: Yes! Chomp chomp chomp! You got this! Chomp chomp!

mom blog, mom vlog, reality tv, tween to teen, teenager, child development, parenting advice, mother daughter

However, she is quiet and a little quirky and until last week, kind of oblivious to her looks. And so, the intersection of popularity and making your own path tend to, well, never ever intersect. Until she got out her new road map and made some real adjustments and is in the process of figuring out how to navigate on her own.

The upside is that she has the entire school to herself this year. There are no siblings to relay unwanted stories up the food chain and she can try out new versions of herself without anyone reporting it to home base. She has complete authority to shape shift into whomever she wants, free from any of our judgement, which is great. I mean, it’s one thing to be the quiet middle child in a blended family with seven kids—it’s another thing to be the only one in your family with a new school as the center of your universe.

I have been checking out parenting books from the library like mad lately. I tend to flock to this information haven whenever I feel a developmental crisis coming on. I check out books with titles like “Are my kids on track?” and “Mothering with Courage” and really anything that has the word teenager in it. Like, my check out status has my librarian believing I’ve never done this before. These library binges for me are much like shopping when you’re hungry: Everything looks good. But, I’m not gonna lie, I’m awful at soaking up this information. Most of the time it doesn’t stick because it doesn’t apply. There are too many variables to consider (like having a big family), so I just use it as material to help me fall asleep at night and hope the rest of the words soak into my brain while I’m in La La Land. Well that and I just try to stay on the same road she’s on, even though she’s clearly signaled she’s in the passing lane.

Let me just say that sometimes, lessons from the middle child can be the most pleasant—even though we’re talking about another one of my tweens, transforming into a teen and dodging my childhood development desire for a pat on the back. But there’s still time to get this right! Even though I’m prepared to use my husband as a meat shield while another one of our kids turns 13, I’m working on indulging her perspective mid-metamorphosis.

The jump from tween to teen is a big one. It means leaving awkwardness behind and becoming mindful of making a place for yourself in the world. It also means suddenly caring about how you might look to others. This is a complex stage because I always want my kids  to just be themselves, to not feel as though they need to conform. This is how we make the world a different and more forgiving place. But I’m just now learning that it’s just as important for them to try out other versions of themselves, knowing that this is who they are. I’m just happy to still play a part, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

So Called Mom

 

 

Filed Under: parenting advice, teenagers Tagged With: advice, blended family, family time, mom blog, mom blogger, mom life, mom vlog, mom vlogger, motherhood, parenting advice, raising strong girls, reality tv, self care, self love, so-called mom, step mom, vlog

Letting the QUIET Girls Speak: They Have Something to Say

by SoCalledMom · Jul 24, 2017

I set out to conduct this interview with my middle kid, MJ, who always seems to get lost in the shuffle. And I stumbled through what I would ask her: in my head, on paper, up at night when I couldn’t sleep–you name it. I realized I was missing the point of her speaking about strong girls because I was so caught up in the message and worried she wouldn’t have anything to say about it. Or worse, would show my camera, me and the entire world that she wasn’t strong (gasp). Or that she hadn’t thought about it. Because, ehhh, well she is a pretty quiet kid.

I mean, god forbid I have a member of the family, let alone a girl, who doesn’t know how to kick the doors in on life.

 

But she showed me otherwise. And it wasn’t until she was paddling around, waiting for the others to swim away, that she just outright came to me with who she was and what she was after. I spent several days floundering over how to even bring the subject up–and here she was dishing it out, exactly her way. Soft spoken. Tiny. And super sure of herself. All I had to do was listen. And learn to be there for her more. And quit trying to put a name to who or what she is. She is MJ, and that’s that.

Quiet girls, strong girls, feminism, raising strong girls

Back when I used to attempt corporate career momlife (haha), I went to a team building event. It was all about how extroverts (like me) and introverts (like MJ) can work together. Extroverts stereotypically like to talk and talk and talk and overshare even if you didn’t ask. Introverts stereotypically like to keep to themselves, are shy and have nothing to say or contribute.

But if the extroverts would just stop sucking all the air out of the room (i.e. shut up and listen), the introverts would have a moment to process and draw in enough breath to respond without their 30 seconds of fame being up.

feminism, quiet girls, raising strong girls

MJ is a good exercise in the art of me shutting up. And of not worrying about her anymore–because I shouldn’t, she’s got this. She is the exact opposite of what you’d assume strength to be–stereotypically: She’s like 10 lbs soaking wet. She’s long and lean like a string bean. She keeps a detailed journal jammed under her mattress and she reads books that are thousands of pages long. She has an obsession with mechanical pencils. Quiet indeed–UNTIL she opens her mouth and her brain starts showing me up. Which is exactly what I love about her.

Because there’s nothing better than finding strength and tenacity in the unexpected.

So-Called Mom

 

Filed Under: Feminism, parenting advice Tagged With: blended family, extrovert, feminism, introvert, mom blog, mom blogger, mom life, mom vlog, mom vlogger, quiet kids, raising strong girls, shy girl, shy kid, stereotype, strong girls

From Teen to Adult: Outward Bound Adventure

by SoCalledMom · Jun 23, 2017

This week I announced we are sending 17-year-old Jake on a 2 week Outward Bound trip. As much as I hate to admit it, there is so much that bothers me about this trip that I can’t believe I am paying this much cash for this level of (good for you in a sick way) torture. This adventure has become step one to sending Jake out of the nest, but there are so many nuances that I’m hesitant I’m doing any of it right. Jake is my first kid. I had him young and for awhile it was just us going through life together. And I’m totally guilty for hanging onto that “just us” notion for far too long.

In all reality, this whole adventure is signaling that we are both growing up.

That’s embarrassing to admit, but it is what it is. At this point I’m assuming his teen to adult transition is harder on me than it is on him–but isn’t that the way it always is? The more I think about what bugs me, the more I discover that I have just as much to learn as he does. The best part is that Outward Bound is teaching both of us so much already. Torture indeed: It would be so much easier to just keep on helicopter-momming and not change along side him. But that’s not who I am–or at least who I want to be.

outward bound, helicopter mom, teenagers, adulthood, becoming an adult

After my interview with Jake, I realized that I had a problem with him thinking that he can just summit a mountain with no training. I couldn’t get over his nonchalance with being thrown to the wolves in his interview below. But at the same time, I had to flip this annoyance around on myself. Would I want him to be too scared to go? Definitely not–but the mom in me is shouting: you can’t do this without being ready! While the teenager in him is replying watch me.  

Well, Isn’t that what I signed him up for?

Of course it is. But it doesn’t take away the little things that will undoubtedly come up right up until he goes. I’m a little irked because he acts as if this whole gig is for him to prove something to me. He apparently already knows he will make it. He already knows everything there is to know about the outdoors and survival–in life and in the wild. The best thing I can do is let him prove that to himself out there.

I’m learning that it isn’t the act of pushing my kids out of the nest that hurts. It’s not the separation or the worry of emptiness over the missing kid in your house. Nor is it the terror in pushing them out and watching them potentially plummet to the ground, hereby demonstrating years of parenting failures. The real pain comes from realizing that he left long ago, and hasn’t needed me for years. And maybe worse still, that I’ve been doing things without the awareness that I’m not helping him “adult” at all. So then, my Outward Bound assignment is to continue to acknowledge that if he says he can, he can–and that if he can’t, well then, it’s up to him to find out.

I think it’s every moms dream for their child to have this very clear-cut transition point from teen to adulthood. We see what only looks like success all around us: graduating at the top of their high school class, sports scholarships, Ivy league, great job, kids of their own, a happy spouse and a nice spacious home. But the truth is, it’s not straightforward at all. And that is only surface level success. It is the success that we want for them because ultimately it reflects on us–alas, we’re great parents.

But when I think about it in the context of Jake, I have no idea what success looks like for him. All I can do is show him what it might look like–high up and overcoming fears on a glacier, for instance.

Despite the push and pull of these transitional parenting challenges, I’m not giving up. My ultimate goal is to raise this kid into a healthy adult human who cares about himself and sees the value in what he can contribute. That means however he gets there, his own way, will be the best way.

Onward and Upward,

So-Called Mom

 

Filed Under: teenagers, Uncategorized Tagged With: growing up, helicopter mom, mom blogger, mom vlogger, outward bound, teen to adult, teenagers

Confirmed: I am a Helicopter Parent

by SoCalledMom · Jun 9, 2017

Another parenting challenge you won’t find in any of the how-to books is how to help your 17-year-old firstborn navigate his first heart-break. Apparently helping doesn’t mean hovering, shouldering or swooping in and saving the day, my bad! Believe me when I tell you that there is nothing worse than realizing you’ve been meddling like this right up to your kids’ adulthood.
As a freshly self-identified helicopter parent, I recognize that no one, especially Jake, has asked for my help in this way.
Full disclosure (I’m getting good at those): my first instinct was to memorialize my reaction in a vlog.  And in all my well-intentioned emotional “honesty,” I realized while editing, that all of it was best left on the cutting room floor as they say.
So here’s what I got out of this:
I’m lousy with boundaries.  Whether it was their first day at kindergarten, or navigating friendships or getting their driver’s license or
having their heart-broken, I have bumbled my way through helping my kids cope, thinking I could “fix things,” truly believing I was an expert. Ironically, this blog is teaching me the flip side of being a so-called mom: that the more I think I know, the more I realize I don’t.
Don’t we all have that mom fix-it impulse?  To step in and just take-over?
Well, apparently this So-Called Mom doesn’t just take over and fix, I flat-out hijack any and all rites of passage and then take it upon myself to fix things that aren’t even broken.
Helicopter Parent
So back to where I began: my 17-year-old, Jake.  Yesterday he fessed up that the reason he’s been staying home from school isn’t his “migraines,” but because the girl who he’s been crushing on all year-long is moving far away. I spent the day texting with him, while he was in class, about what to do. That’s no-no #1. And then I bawled about it like it was happening to me.
Note to self:  Don’t create a false narrative about your kid’s so-called heartbreak like it’s going to create a lifetime of regret over “the one that got away.”  Especially over a relationship that never even happened.  It’s as if I see the disappointment of a first crush as proof that leaving the bubble of homeschooling was the bad idea I knew it would be.
Helicopter Parent
My problem?  I feel my kids pain even more than they do.  And then whenever there’s a remote discomfort, I want to “protect” my kids from feeling it—and I do, without realizing that letting them experience these things is essential to building confidence and resiliency.
Look, I want to say it’s not as bad as it sounds, but the truth is that he is transforming into an adult faster than I can keep up with and I just want to be able to say I did OK. Part of that means that I can look back and confirm that I provided an equal balance of support and letting go—that he has been able to find his own path after I showed him the ropes. But I realize now that I haven’t been doing that—and not just with Jake but will all my kids. I’ve been leading the pack too strongly and controlling their emotional responses.  

So this next part is going to be hard.  It means backing off of my instinctive responses and keeping my pain to myself.  I get this about letting them fail.  But maybe I’m afraid of failing myself? Do other moms also share that?

Please say yes,

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: parenting advice Tagged With: helicopter, helicopter mom, helicopter parenting, mom blog, mom blogger, mom vlog, mom vlogger, parenting advice, parenting fail, raising resilient kids, resiliency, the oldest child

How to Start a Kid Business Before Breakfast

by SoCalledMom · May 30, 2017

Pascal is an unstoppable force! She is about to start her own skate company–a Kid Business– to inspire little girls like her to quit posing and start riding! In Pascal’s words: “Skateboarding is for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl–but the companies still just want us to pose with the boards to sell them, not by riding them. We need companies that show girls in the sport–and we don’t want to belong to the boys club. We have our own style!”

bullying, resilient kids, mean kids, parenting advice

Originally I was skeptical of this sudden desire to jump in and launch this, but I had to stop myself because she has never given me a reason to doubt her.

She makes more money playing accordion in Downtown Portland than a high end lawyer does sweating in a courtroom, she takes bigger risks than a seasoned broker on Wall Street–she can practically move mountains just by looking at them (Well, once she gets her butt out of bed).

In fact, this nine-year-old has taught me to stand back and watch from day one and it looks like she’s just getting started. I have nothing but confidence in this kid to run this kid business. She is clearly ready for her first start-up venture. She has drive, she has talent, she has an opinion and she isn’t afraid of failing. ALL of these things are magnificent ingredients for a successful business.

entrepreneur, kids and business, start up kids

Now if she only had the parents to So-Called guide her–because we possess zero talent in the retail world. This will be a learning curve for all of us, that’s for sure.

Rolling up My Sleeves,

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: homeschool, kids, parenting advice Tagged With: homeschool, kidpreneur, mom blog, mom blogger, mom vlog, mom vlogger, mompreneur, skateboarding, skater girl, start up business

How to Treat Yourself Daily

by SoCalledMom · May 25, 2017

I posted before about the importance of lingerie and feeling sexy, but I’d like to get underneath why it’s important, key pieces to purchase, and how all of it links to self care.
If you’re anything like me, your days are insane. We run errands marathon-style, eat while balancing a baby on one hip, are signing off on homework, supervising  special projects (and sometimes ending up doing them yourself), cleaning up spills and vomit and doing endless loads of laundry. That’s why it’s critical, and I mean critical, to wear something special underneath it all. I like to think of it as the mom version of the Wonder Woman costume.
So-Called Mom
Many women mistakenly believe that lingerie is for the men in their lives, or worse, only for women who don’t have kids. But I disagree. Lingerie is for YOU. It’s what can make the difference between feeling like a discarded piece of toast and my truly awesome self.
When you take the time to select something for yourself that is pretty and sexy and maybe even makes you feel like “Yowza! I look hot!” you are communicating to yourself: I am worth it.
So-Called Mom
What’s more, is not only am I worth it, but nobody has to know exactly why I feel so worth it. Trust me when I say it will translate on the outside. It makes getting dressed a routine that has become so much more than putting on underwear. It’s my daily discreet push towards increased self love.
So I’ll indulge in a so-called lingerie 101.  I’m not plugging a brand for any particular reason; it’s just my personal taste.  You’ll find yours.
While Victoria’s Secret is not an abomination, I don’t consider it lingerie. I just don’t feel special in their mass produced boudoir-wear. That’s not to say every piece I own is an expensive splurge, but there are pieces that exist that are fairly priced considering your sexy-mama ROI.
These are my top picks:
Stella McCartney
Heidi Klum
Princesse Tam Tam
For Love and Lemons
Blush
Expensive or not, the most important thing you can do is protect your investment. 
So-Called Mom
This means putting your unmentionables into a small collapsible soft pouch outside of your regular laundry basket when they are dirty.
Then, it’s time to welcome the regular ritual of Sunday lingerie washing with open arms. I wash them all by hand carefully using a detergent made by The Laundress, a mild  detergent that is so wonderful to work with, you’ll wonder where its’ been all your life. Just wash and hang dry. I suspend my lingerie above my claw foot tub, if anything, just so I can feel frivolous, important and maybe even a little bit French.
So-Called Mom
This ritual has been life changing for my Sundays, the day when most of our kids from our blended family transition to their other parents’ homes. It started out as a distraction from this huge weekly change, but now I absolutely need to do this, because it helps me feel worth it, feminine and most of all, like I’m spending significant time in self care mode. Which doesn’t just include a Sunday mask and extreme downtime/meditation—but also taking the time to prepare these beautifully designed little pieces for the week ahead. 
Like I’m asking them for a favor in return: You take care of me, and I’ll take care of you. A pact.
So-Called Mom
After they are clean, put them on display, make them front and center in your dresser, or give them a drawer of their own. Never fold padded bras with one cup flipped inside out, tucked into the other. Let them lie flat, against one another. Fold your panties special too, by tucking the left side and right side behind the front and folding the bottom to the back. Bows and lace out!
So-Called Mom
Hopefully by now, you don’t think I’m crazy. But there’s another layer to this. My girls have caught on. It won’t be long before they’ll be shopping for their own matching sets, understanding the subtle art of the underpinnings. To me, this demonstrates (early on) the importance of taking care of yourself—a value that is so personal, you can only understand it by trying it and seeing how you feel and how others respond to it.
What do you think? I’d love to hear your take. Time for a mood, booty and soul-sexy overhaul!
With or Without Garters,
So-Called Mom

Filed Under: self care Tagged With: blended family, bra, delicates care, intimates, lingerie, love yourself, mild detergent, mom blog, mom blogger, mom vlogger, panties, self care, self love, step mom, the laundress, washing delicates

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