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So Called Minimalism | Marie Kondo Sparks Joy with the Konmari Method

by SoCalledMom · Jan 16, 2019

minimalism, intentionalism, intentional living, clearing clutter, konmari, marie kondo, spark joy, new years resolutions, swedish death cleaning, blended family, mindfulness, mom vlogger, mom blog, letting go, freedom, tidying up, tidy, goodbye things, lets get minimal, too much stuff, fumio sasaki, japanese minimalism, make space, get organized, organization, california closets, big family, muji, real simple magazine, with kids, Konmari Method,
Me after the first purge.

When you’re in a big blended family, clutter feels inevitable and living minimally feels unattainable. I mean, for starters, I collect kids, and they collect all the things: rocks, transformers, slime, unicorns, hair accessories, makeup, books, markers, movies, knickknacks, apps, cookie crumbs, dust, grime, yuck. It’s exponential—like a black hole of swirling stuff that, when piled altogether, looks more like garbage and not like things at all. It’s like living inside of one huge junk drawer.

Christmas tree hunting with 7 kids!

To be honest, I think I am affected the most by it because I’m the one who cleans the most. So I noticed the buildup the most. While cleaning, I would move things from point A to point B and then back again until I came to terms with the fact that there really wasn’t a spot for whatever it is. But I still wouldn’t get rid of it because I never understood the problem, until now.

Another good reason to purge is we could never find anything. There wasn’t a designated spot for things–now there is. Also the kids’ rooms were always a mess because there was too much. Their disorganization and sloppy living situation wasn’t their fault–they were, in reality, just following my lead :-/. Dealing with the stuff takes alot of time and I want to deal with it less and less–but once and for all.

I mean….I probably did my own nails three times a year….

So to ease the chaos and become more environmentally responsible (end goal in sight), I’m trying something new in the hopes that it makes me, and therefore my family, more aware of how we are a part of this planet.

It starts with education. I’ve read everything I could about living minimally, decluttering and living mindfully—all at once . The reason Marie Kondo’s book is such a hit is because in between adorable Japanese musings of decluttering, we actually are getting a step-by step lesson in how to get rid of stuff that doesn’t spark joy. Indeed, when you start with stuff that has less emotion tied to it (i.e. clothes) it’s easier to rid yourself of things that are emotional to let go of (i.e. that stupid necklace from an ex-boyfriend I’ve had in my jewelry box…seriously…why was it in there and what gave it the right to take up that kind of important space for SO LONG? Yes I cried when I put it in the go-away pile).

The art of tidying up, of decluttering, of minimizing and all the other lingo is really about the art of letting go. When you let go of things that don’t spark joy, you become profoundly aware of what does spark joy. Suddenly you’re surrounded by that stuff, and that stuff only and voila! Life is better. 

This is easier to do on your own, than in a family of nine, where the kids have had to face their own things and not necessarily on their own terms. A great point was brought up by one of my teens: paying attention to the difference between joy and guilt when parting with things. For example: This object under your bed that you forgot about was a gift and you don’t exactly love it, but feel ungrateful getting rid of it. Fumio Sasaki’s Goodbye, Things addresses this issue several times to a T. If you’re reading Marie Kondo’s books (The Life-Chanaging Magic of Tidying Up & her sequel Spark Joy) , please read Sasaki’s book along side it—it’s great supportive material.

And here’s something new: getting rid of stuff has all of us reconciling: diet & exercise, people & relationships, jobs and tasks–it has cascaded into the realization that we have choices to make and when we’re more present & conscious and far less distracted, we’re at the helm of how our lives go.

I have also learned this is a practice and not an end game, via Regina Wong’s Make Space. There will be mistakes and we will need to edit as time goes on, but this big purge is astounding enough to make us all acutely aware of consumption. Our discard pile is still growing and what’s amazing is that no-one is visiting it, changing their mind about putting something there. At the same time we’re learning about needs versus wants, and when we think we need, we’re prompted to ask ourselves…yeah but, do we really really need it?

SOLD! 🙁
Letting go of Leopold’s toddler toys meant
saying goodbye to an era that clearly defined me.

Decluttering things that are closer to the heart is so crazy emotional. There is no other way around it, than to just let it be. I have allowed myself to sit with the emotions of letting go of something that might seem materialistic and trivial —but difficult for me. How is it that a material object can become so gummed up with sentimentality that it feels like I’m casting a puppy into a volcano? I have had this awful experience recently while getting rid of Leopold’s wooden firehouse. I made myself post it on Facebook Marketplace and when we let it go, I was overcome with such grief, that it took me the rest of the day to recover. I felt heartless, sick to my stomach and wondered if what I really did was give away something that sparked joy. I was worried that I ignored my gut feeling and mad a mistake.

This is my happy place…and also my sad place.
It helps to think about the day going down the drain when the days are difficult.

But After awhile of sitting with the grief, I began to realize why: It wasn’t the object at all, but the meaning it held. I was ultimately coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have babies anymore. After 18 years, we officially have no-one to pass toys and books and clothes down to. There is no need to open up the baby bins and pull out our favorites. Those things have reached the end of the line and it was time for them to move on. Even writing that ties my stomach in knots. Leopold is not a baby, nor is he a toddler anymore—and there is no-one to fill his shoes—literally. 🙁 I have A LOT of letting go to do in that department. For now, I have a favorites bin that my heart-wrenching baby stuff goes into (well, a few bins…it’s a process).

In many ways tidying up and agreeing to live more minimally has helped me do more than reclaim my sanity. Clutter takes time to clean, takes money to purchase and then store and ultimately blocks joy and serenity, preventing personal growth. But cutting it all loose enables the process of letting go, of acceptance and finally, creating space for living a better life. Not just for you, but for your whole family.

Trust me….you don’t want to see the before images….

Together we’ve set a goal: Can the things we let go of be turned into money and be put into savings? Can every impulse to buy something also get turned over to savings as well? Can that savings amass to the point of buying us all that vacation we’ve been talking about going on for years? The answer is yes. It’s time for a new chapter for our family. We’re learning that being together is all we really need.

Filed Under: Intentional Living, self care Tagged With: big family, blended family, fumio sasaki, get organized, goodbye things, intentional living, intentionalism, japanese minimalism, konmari, Konmari Method, lets get minimal, letting go, Marie Kondo, mindfulness, minimalism, mom blog, mom vlogger, new years resolutions, organization, real simple magazine, Spark Joy, swedish death cleaning, tidy, tidying up, too much stuff

Intentional Living for a Family of Nine | Let’s Get Minimal

by SoCalledMom · Jan 2, 2019

Two months before Christmas, I made a horrible mistake.

I started reading several books about minimalism, intentionalism, mindfulness and using the power of less to add more to your life. This recipe for disaster had me not only dragging my heels when the rest of the world was out shopping and spreading transactional cheer, but also considering the stuff we already had and finding reasons to discard & donate.

Only two trips and two Volvo-loads of stuff later, I returned home to find our stuff had multiplied.

Because, like….Christmas hits us like a tidal wave every single year. I used to run and hide, but now I charge ahead, knowing I’ll get bowled over anyway. It is a no-win scenario because in the past, we have been known to walk into Christmas with loose intentions, and way-too-high expectations. There is some kind of sick victory in loosing the battle, truly believing I’m winning (I believe that is called denial). Needless to say, everyone got what they wanted because I’m a sucker (and guilt monger) for disappointment. It’s not a bratty kid thing, I definitely think my kids understand the concept of gratitude. It’s just that there’s something missing from it all.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s a moment of pause that each of us is lacking. And in “pausing” when you are getting, getting, getting, and then maybe expressing gratitude, (i.e. taking a breather from screens: another out-of-control form of over indulgence for my family), etc–you tend to generate the kind of awareness that causes a natural assessment of consumption. And, according to all of these books I’ve plowed through–when you become aware of consuming, it spreads to all areas of your life: Self care, clearing clutter (and not just stuff, but people and jobs that no longer serve you), mental health, emotional well-being, diet and exercise….in other words, leading you towards the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of: A life of purpose–discovered through the process of letting go.

And what comes next? You guessed it: When we begin living a life that is in alignment with exactly who we strive to be–happiness is the end result.

I don’t know about you, but I’m double fisting that Kool-Aid and making an extra batch to send in the kids’ school lunches. This very clear and linear road to success has me just about throwing things out the window and I’m trying not to second guess my propensity to set us all up for failure.

Even though all of this information would have been nice to have long before Christmas, you know the So Called Mom way: Better late than never.

And in achieving this higher state of awareness, all I need to do is convince the other seven kids (plus Pippin, who is already skeptical) to hop on board.

Any tips & tricks you have on getting minimal and intentional in a big family are welcome!

In the meantime, here are the books that have exorcized my demons:

Make Space by Regina Wong

Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki

The Mindful Day by Laurie J. Cameron

Spark Joy by Marie Kondo (Spark Joy is a sequel to The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, a great introduction bookif you’re just getting your feet wet)

I hope you join us on this trip to minimal-ville. We have a long road ahead of us and an uncertain road map!

Hitch a ride, we’re just getting started!

So Called Mom

Filed Under: Intentional Living, relationship, self care, vlog Tagged With: big family, blended family, family life, intentional living, Let go, Marie Kondo, mindfulness, minimalism, minimalist, Spark Joy, step family, step mom, step parenting

How the WILDERNESS Changed my TEENAGER

by SoCalledMom · Aug 18, 2017

The last 15 days, have been the longest 15 days of our lives. A whole lotta change has taken place.

My eldest kid, 17-year-old Jake, has been away on an Outward Bound white water rafting and mountaineering course and I have had zero contact with him until pickup yesterday. For those of you not in the know, Outward Bound is a global organization that specializes in exposing your kid to the outdoors which also, naturally, helps them discover and overcome their own personal hurdles and blockages in life–ultimately giving an individual a lesson in themselves and an opportunity to seek improvement and acceptance. There are a multitude of courses offered–from 60 day dogsledding treks across Alaska, to 100 day boating navigation adventures from Maine to Bahamas, to diving and service based work in Costa Rica, etc. Since Outward Bound was so new to us, we chose to stay in Oregon–knowing that Jake would still get exactly what he needed to get, without traveling far from our own backyard.

outward bound, confidence, teenagers, letting go, parenting advice,

The first few days were a nightmare. And of course, I’m only speaking for me. But you can bet I was transferring it to him: this emptiness and lack of knowing what’s happening is scary and horrible! This must be how he feels too! So I spent a couple of days assuming what was going on out there: that he was hating it, and hating me. But then I had to admit I surely wasn’t giving him enough credit. This was about him proving to himself that he could do it–and here I was making rude bets and sneaky arrangements with my subconscious that he couldn’t.

So I just let it all go.

If he hated me at the end, well then, it was the beginning of making up for a lifetime of holding him back. But if he didn’t, it was worth the risk, discomfort and challenge of becoming a better parent.

Check out the full adventure in my YouTube playlist here: So Called Outward Bound Adventure

Prepping a teen for adulthood is harder than anything. Mostly because the act of getting them ready to fly from the nest is also getting you ready–for the absence, for the extra space, for not hearing from him, for not knowing what’s going on, for missing out, missing him, for the rest of my kids to follow him out the door. And so, you’re right in thinking that this adventure away from home was just as much about prepping me for the future of Jake, as it was him. Although I didn’t completely realize it at the time.

I had to work hard at dismissing my thoughts in order to make space for him to come home, not as a different kid–but an adult who didn’t need me anymore.

teenagers, turning into adult, freedom, parenting advice, nature, outdoors, Portland;and, pacific northwest, mt hood

I had to be honest with myself and let go of needing him to need me–because he doesn’t anymore and he hasn’t for a long time. But before you start weeping and cracking open the wine in solidarity with my sad realization, let me remind us So-Called Moms, that this doesn’t need to be examined under a fatalistic lens. It’s critical to interrupt this overthinking and deeply consider what we really want for our kids and own when we are tragically holding them back. Do we want to raise them into adults who are clingy and afraid or bold and sturdy? I vote for the second option. I’m sure we all do, but which side do our actions really nurture? Because even if we think we are encouraging them to be bold and resilient, our actions often communicate otherwise. No wonder they get so frustrated with us.

https://socalledmom.com/life-begins-when-you-let-go-of-your-kids/

At the end of each Outward Bound course, there is an opportunity for self reflection that the staff offers as an option to students who are ready: the 24 hour solo trip. I was surprised that Jake opted to participate over the alternative: Summit the mountain with the rest of the group, whom he had become close with. But instead he hiked 1/2 mile away from everyone and spent 24 hours alone. I bet going solo was Jake’s version of summiting the mountain. I haven’t asked, but I think he knew the summit would be easy for him and sitting alone for what felt like an eternity and counting on no-one but himself was the challenge that he was after. I’m just shocked he didn’t take the easy way out: summit that mountain, coast through the rest of the course and finish the trip with flying colors. But no, he actually wanted to sit alone with his thoughts, which took a level courage I didn’t know he had. Maybe he didn’t either. Now that is something to open our wine and toast to!

Cheers,

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: parenting advice, teenagers Tagged With: adventure, awareness, helicopter parenting, helping kids, intentionalism, letting go, letting go of your kids, mindfulness, outward bound, raising adults, teenager, teens

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