bullying

Kid Interview: Parent Bullies & Suburban Social Engineering

by SoCalledMom · Jun 20, 2017

I just stumbled upon this parenting fad that’s being labelled Suburban Social Engineering. Have you heard of it? I first discovered it here when looking into reasons why moms bully other people’s kids. Suburban Social Engineering is when a parent (typically the mom) bullies other children to maintain their child’s social status by excluding anyone that might taint their child’s image of prestige–And that it’s most common in suburbia. This is helicopter parenting on crack. I mean, it’s one thing to be controlling your own kids’ every move, but walking all over children that aren’t yours because of…um…maintaining the appearance of affluence…? That’s pretty gross behavior. What’s worse is the most unsettling part: this style of parenting is being heavily linked to teen suicide. Did your stomach just hit the floor like mine?

I think it’s safe to say that this series has been a wild ride that’s far from over.

To review where all of this is coming from: My first post was about deciphering what’s mean and what’s bullying. Which then uncovered the truth about what was really going on.

Finally, I decided to put my 9-year-old Pascal on camera, in lieu of rambling on about it myself:

Could it be the real adult in this situation is really the kid in the room? I’m heartbroken, but determined to keep her fighting the good fight.

So, what do you say, moms? What can we do to talk to our kids about sticking up for other people? How would you help your child remain strong through this? I look to you, moms, for help.

Putting my foot down HARD,

So-Called Mom

Embracing the Neighborhood Bully

by SoCalledMom · Jun 16, 2017

The plot thickens around our here since I posted, soliciting advice on how to address the bullies on our block. Well I didn’t have to wait too long for advice on what to do about this So-Called bully since our neighborhood “momster” reared her ugly head as a solution. Holy Smokes! Anyone that comes into my home and introduces themselves with, “Give me a break, I had a really exhausting week. I almost worked 40 hours” you know it’s gonna be an awkward conversation from the start.

How does one respond with a straight face?

Oh dear! You deserve a mani/pedi!

That crazy little thing called work!

I seriously was at a loss and also was waiting for the punchline. And boy did she deliver one.

The good news is that she wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise so I didn’t have to worry about coming up with a heartfelt response. And in case you didn’t catch it in the first paragraph: she was sitting in my living room, under my roof, putting on a show for Pippin and me. Unfortunately all I have is a reaction video, filmed just moments later:

When she came in, I asked her if I could show her around and she said no. Because she came over to our house to end friendships, not to seek resolution or demonstrate how good neighbors act (even if you don’t like someone). Or even, how a decent parent teaches their kids how to talk boundaries and god forbid how to forgive and move on.

And I thought I was a helicopter mom.

But the creme de la creme was when she rounded out her speech by justifying why a neighborhood kid called Pascal FAT AND UGLY.

No wonder they called her names, it was self defense!

Over what? Too much enthusiasm for new friendships? Because Pascal didn’t know when to say goodbye and go home?

And so ultimately what I discovered was that it wasn’t the neighborhood kids doing the bullying, but their mother. And I hope that she’s taking that realization to bed with her tonight and it gives her motivation to change.

I feel like I can’t type anything more about this, there’s nothing left to say.

At a loss,

So-Called Mom

MEAN Kid or REAL Bully & When to INTERVENE!

by SoCalledMom · Jun 15, 2017

Bullying is one of the hottest parenting topics out there. As one of those overly protective moms, I have often overreacted to hurt feelings. Often times, I’ve used this terminology without really understanding its side effects. Aside from putting a label on kids, it also decreases opportunities for building resilience, acceptance and most importantly: resolution.

My last two posts had me vowing to clear my helicoptering parental habits. And ever since then, I have exorcised the demons! Well, sort of. There’s still a nagging feeling that wants to govern every situation my kids simply must experience on their own. But now I’m doing my best to ignore it. Even when it comes to the neighborhood bully. So I’m working on a different approach.

Which has me putting my new set of rules to the test: Case in point, The other day Pascal’s neighborhood tribe of new pals suddenly turned on her. She spoke of some rude name-calling earlier yesterday and I fought the urge to run out on my lawn, eyes a blazing, asking which kid wanted to experience a real bully. So for a moment, I fantasized about it and then directed my attention to Pascal. How do you imagine the issue resolving itself?

And then I buttoned my lip and listened.

Pascal seemed to have it sorted until the text messages started in as we were sitting there. I suddenly realized this was a bigger problem than just a squirmy boy calling her ugly (apparently name-calling isn’t considered bullying, go figure!). These kids were only engaging in a normal act of thick-skin building meanness until they began pulling other kids into a group text, ganging up on Pascal with the promise of social exclusion as far as the our neighborhood development could see. Then she was blocked, by all of them, in unison, so she couldn’t respond. Now that, my dear mom friends, is bullying.

Learning the ins and outs of this stuff is new to me, especially now that I’m So-Called helicopter aware. And even though none of us want our kids to feel any of the above, it helps to see these problems separated out into categories so that we know when to stay grounded and listen and also when to fly in, rescue and hover like hell.

But the information on what to do is still conflicting in my mind, despite obsessively reading a number of articles between my sleeplessness last night and this mornings coffee. Step in or get out-of-the-way? Rescue or relax? What builds resilience and what feeds into self-destruction?

The difference between intervening and not isn’t a chasm dividing the two, it’s splitting hairs between championing parenthood and letting your kids down when you should’ve been there.

And even though I seem to do it plenty, I’m not into the mom-fail thing. Or letting kids get away with bullying mine.

So then, I’d Love to hear it directly from my mom group.

What would you do: Intervene or not?

That is the question,

So-Called Mom