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big family

That Last Day

by SoCalledMom · Jul 8, 2019

There is no milestone quite like that last day of school. It’s like crossing a threshold to a new, crisp chapter of life, and is often met with high expectations and big plans.

In a big family like ours, these lofty plans range from “figuring out what I want to do after high school” to “building a monkey bar system in my bedroom so I can avoid the lava on the way to your bedroom…in the middle of the night.” And I must say I’m all about indulging both ideas and everything in between….except the middle of the night part.

Another popular theme is getting into shape. I think especially as the kids get into their older teen years, they’re seeing the value of taking care of themselves–or at least, seeing how the results of eating however they want doesn’t really work out like it once did.

All of this is lovely to hear. What they’re striving for takes planning, goal setting and some specific mom-helicoptering to steer them towards achievement–none of which I’ll be around a whole lot for since I’m out of the house most of the day, for most of the week, working. And maybe that’s a good thing? 😉

Here’s to a self-driven summer!

xo,

So Called Mom

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: big family, blended family, getting fit, last day of school, mom blog, mom vlog, summer vacation

So Called Minimalism | Marie Kondo Sparks Joy with the Konmari Method

by SoCalledMom · Jan 16, 2019

minimalism, intentionalism, intentional living, clearing clutter, konmari, marie kondo, spark joy, new years resolutions, swedish death cleaning, blended family, mindfulness, mom vlogger, mom blog, letting go, freedom, tidying up, tidy, goodbye things, lets get minimal, too much stuff, fumio sasaki, japanese minimalism, make space, get organized, organization, california closets, big family, muji, real simple magazine, with kids, Konmari Method,
Me after the first purge.

When you’re in a big blended family, clutter feels inevitable and living minimally feels unattainable. I mean, for starters, I collect kids, and they collect all the things: rocks, transformers, slime, unicorns, hair accessories, makeup, books, markers, movies, knickknacks, apps, cookie crumbs, dust, grime, yuck. It’s exponential—like a black hole of swirling stuff that, when piled altogether, looks more like garbage and not like things at all. It’s like living inside of one huge junk drawer.

Christmas tree hunting with 7 kids!

To be honest, I think I am affected the most by it because I’m the one who cleans the most. So I noticed the buildup the most. While cleaning, I would move things from point A to point B and then back again until I came to terms with the fact that there really wasn’t a spot for whatever it is. But I still wouldn’t get rid of it because I never understood the problem, until now.

Another good reason to purge is we could never find anything. There wasn’t a designated spot for things–now there is. Also the kids’ rooms were always a mess because there was too much. Their disorganization and sloppy living situation wasn’t their fault–they were, in reality, just following my lead :-/. Dealing with the stuff takes alot of time and I want to deal with it less and less–but once and for all.

I mean….I probably did my own nails three times a year….

So to ease the chaos and become more environmentally responsible (end goal in sight), I’m trying something new in the hopes that it makes me, and therefore my family, more aware of how we are a part of this planet.

It starts with education. I’ve read everything I could about living minimally, decluttering and living mindfully—all at once . The reason Marie Kondo’s book is such a hit is because in between adorable Japanese musings of decluttering, we actually are getting a step-by step lesson in how to get rid of stuff that doesn’t spark joy. Indeed, when you start with stuff that has less emotion tied to it (i.e. clothes) it’s easier to rid yourself of things that are emotional to let go of (i.e. that stupid necklace from an ex-boyfriend I’ve had in my jewelry box…seriously…why was it in there and what gave it the right to take up that kind of important space for SO LONG? Yes I cried when I put it in the go-away pile).

The art of tidying up, of decluttering, of minimizing and all the other lingo is really about the art of letting go. When you let go of things that don’t spark joy, you become profoundly aware of what does spark joy. Suddenly you’re surrounded by that stuff, and that stuff only and voila! Life is better. 

This is easier to do on your own, than in a family of nine, where the kids have had to face their own things and not necessarily on their own terms. A great point was brought up by one of my teens: paying attention to the difference between joy and guilt when parting with things. For example: This object under your bed that you forgot about was a gift and you don’t exactly love it, but feel ungrateful getting rid of it. Fumio Sasaki’s Goodbye, Things addresses this issue several times to a T. If you’re reading Marie Kondo’s books (The Life-Chanaging Magic of Tidying Up & her sequel Spark Joy) , please read Sasaki’s book along side it—it’s great supportive material.

And here’s something new: getting rid of stuff has all of us reconciling: diet & exercise, people & relationships, jobs and tasks–it has cascaded into the realization that we have choices to make and when we’re more present & conscious and far less distracted, we’re at the helm of how our lives go.

I have also learned this is a practice and not an end game, via Regina Wong’s Make Space. There will be mistakes and we will need to edit as time goes on, but this big purge is astounding enough to make us all acutely aware of consumption. Our discard pile is still growing and what’s amazing is that no-one is visiting it, changing their mind about putting something there. At the same time we’re learning about needs versus wants, and when we think we need, we’re prompted to ask ourselves…yeah but, do we really really need it?

SOLD! 🙁
Letting go of Leopold’s toddler toys meant
saying goodbye to an era that clearly defined me.

Decluttering things that are closer to the heart is so crazy emotional. There is no other way around it, than to just let it be. I have allowed myself to sit with the emotions of letting go of something that might seem materialistic and trivial —but difficult for me. How is it that a material object can become so gummed up with sentimentality that it feels like I’m casting a puppy into a volcano? I have had this awful experience recently while getting rid of Leopold’s wooden firehouse. I made myself post it on Facebook Marketplace and when we let it go, I was overcome with such grief, that it took me the rest of the day to recover. I felt heartless, sick to my stomach and wondered if what I really did was give away something that sparked joy. I was worried that I ignored my gut feeling and mad a mistake.

This is my happy place…and also my sad place.
It helps to think about the day going down the drain when the days are difficult.

But After awhile of sitting with the grief, I began to realize why: It wasn’t the object at all, but the meaning it held. I was ultimately coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have babies anymore. After 18 years, we officially have no-one to pass toys and books and clothes down to. There is no need to open up the baby bins and pull out our favorites. Those things have reached the end of the line and it was time for them to move on. Even writing that ties my stomach in knots. Leopold is not a baby, nor is he a toddler anymore—and there is no-one to fill his shoes—literally. 🙁 I have A LOT of letting go to do in that department. For now, I have a favorites bin that my heart-wrenching baby stuff goes into (well, a few bins…it’s a process).

In many ways tidying up and agreeing to live more minimally has helped me do more than reclaim my sanity. Clutter takes time to clean, takes money to purchase and then store and ultimately blocks joy and serenity, preventing personal growth. But cutting it all loose enables the process of letting go, of acceptance and finally, creating space for living a better life. Not just for you, but for your whole family.

Trust me….you don’t want to see the before images….

Together we’ve set a goal: Can the things we let go of be turned into money and be put into savings? Can every impulse to buy something also get turned over to savings as well? Can that savings amass to the point of buying us all that vacation we’ve been talking about going on for years? The answer is yes. It’s time for a new chapter for our family. We’re learning that being together is all we really need.

Filed Under: Intentional Living, self care Tagged With: big family, blended family, fumio sasaki, get organized, goodbye things, intentional living, intentionalism, japanese minimalism, konmari, Konmari Method, lets get minimal, letting go, Marie Kondo, mindfulness, minimalism, mom blog, mom vlogger, new years resolutions, organization, real simple magazine, Spark Joy, swedish death cleaning, tidy, tidying up, too much stuff

Intentional Living for a Family of Nine | Let’s Get Minimal

by SoCalledMom · Jan 2, 2019

Two months before Christmas, I made a horrible mistake.

I started reading several books about minimalism, intentionalism, mindfulness and using the power of less to add more to your life. This recipe for disaster had me not only dragging my heels when the rest of the world was out shopping and spreading transactional cheer, but also considering the stuff we already had and finding reasons to discard & donate.

Only two trips and two Volvo-loads of stuff later, I returned home to find our stuff had multiplied.

Because, like….Christmas hits us like a tidal wave every single year. I used to run and hide, but now I charge ahead, knowing I’ll get bowled over anyway. It is a no-win scenario because in the past, we have been known to walk into Christmas with loose intentions, and way-too-high expectations. There is some kind of sick victory in loosing the battle, truly believing I’m winning (I believe that is called denial). Needless to say, everyone got what they wanted because I’m a sucker (and guilt monger) for disappointment. It’s not a bratty kid thing, I definitely think my kids understand the concept of gratitude. It’s just that there’s something missing from it all.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s a moment of pause that each of us is lacking. And in “pausing” when you are getting, getting, getting, and then maybe expressing gratitude, (i.e. taking a breather from screens: another out-of-control form of over indulgence for my family), etc–you tend to generate the kind of awareness that causes a natural assessment of consumption. And, according to all of these books I’ve plowed through–when you become aware of consuming, it spreads to all areas of your life: Self care, clearing clutter (and not just stuff, but people and jobs that no longer serve you), mental health, emotional well-being, diet and exercise….in other words, leading you towards the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of: A life of purpose–discovered through the process of letting go.

And what comes next? You guessed it: When we begin living a life that is in alignment with exactly who we strive to be–happiness is the end result.

I don’t know about you, but I’m double fisting that Kool-Aid and making an extra batch to send in the kids’ school lunches. This very clear and linear road to success has me just about throwing things out the window and I’m trying not to second guess my propensity to set us all up for failure.

Even though all of this information would have been nice to have long before Christmas, you know the So Called Mom way: Better late than never.

And in achieving this higher state of awareness, all I need to do is convince the other seven kids (plus Pippin, who is already skeptical) to hop on board.

Any tips & tricks you have on getting minimal and intentional in a big family are welcome!

In the meantime, here are the books that have exorcized my demons:

Make Space by Regina Wong

Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki

The Mindful Day by Laurie J. Cameron

Spark Joy by Marie Kondo (Spark Joy is a sequel to The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, a great introduction bookif you’re just getting your feet wet)

I hope you join us on this trip to minimal-ville. We have a long road ahead of us and an uncertain road map!

Hitch a ride, we’re just getting started!

So Called Mom

Filed Under: Intentional Living, relationship, self care, vlog Tagged With: big family, blended family, family life, intentional living, Let go, Marie Kondo, mindfulness, minimalism, minimalist, Spark Joy, step family, step mom, step parenting

That WINNING Teenage Sex Talk: Mini VLOG

by SoCalledMom · Jun 5, 2017

What’s one of the hardest things about parenting a teenager?  Hands down, for me it’s been nailing the “sex talk.”  Initially I felt like I shouldn’t be the one to talk to Jake.  But Pippin’s TWO attempts were an epic fail, with everyone joking around and skirting the issue. So I put him on camera, as I went in to at least open the dialogue.
teenage sex talk, talking to your kids about sex

I’m open to all reactions or helpful hints.  This is all about helping us collectively do a better job!

 

Your Copulation Confidante,

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: parenting advice, teenagers Tagged With: big family, blended family, mom vlog, sex ed, sex education, talking to your kids about sex, teenage sex talk

How to Find Your Center and Style it too

by SoCalledMom · May 31, 2017

We all need a place to feel centered in our homes. Especially when this means escaping the confines that momhood can impart on us, and we desperately need a break. For some of you, this respite can be found in the kitchen (for me, it’s definitely not). For others, it’s the bedroom or a home office or even a dreamy walk-in closet. For me, it’s a room that has surprised me as my favorite because it has no doors with locks on them. 🙂

Up until recently, we lived in a very cramped Portland house. And it didn’t have a living room because, well, some of our kids were actually living in it. Let’s just say we got a little carried away by spending five long years living inside of our investment. It wasn’t until we moved to a home four times its size (which is actually the right size for a family like ours), that I realized I had no spot to call my center. And likely, neither did any of the kids.

Now that our location has changed, I’ve found my center–a place that I’m surprised I spend so much time in. Of course it’s the living room. The beauty is, we have enough rooms to keep this one free from television. Since I spend so much time here, the objects that have landed in this space are very me. I think there’s a pretty good blend of custom, practical, interesting, free and silly. These are the qualities that also make up my personality and so it feels pretty authentic to hang out here so much.

 

Disclaimer on my So-Called personal style: I’m a big time believer in cultivating personal style on a budget. The more constrained you are financially, the better off you will be decor-wise. I don’t know why this works, but it does. The best things I have ever owned have also stood the test of time. They have been objects and furnishings I could not live without. They’ve been a culmination of my ideas and dreams and the unusual outcome of letting my mind off-leash (like the Burberry Chair my friend was game to reupholster using trench coats I saved from years of visiting estate sales). These objects are labors of love–both mine and of people I know/don’t know (paintings and pillows). And they’ve been free (like the sofa–found on the side of a Portland street, just as it was beginning to rain). I’m not in love with the band-aid colored walls and some day, when I have the time and patience to watch paint dry, I’ll change it. For now, it can remind me of non-stop healing, haha.

 

So Called Mom, Burberry Chair

 

Because of our big, messy, chaotic family, having a sense of humor is key. It helps to surround yourself with things that remind you to loosen up, to let go, to be nice or leave. I recently got a Fender Squire Mini electric guitar for Mother’s Day and I love to play it until my fingers hurt. Leaving it out reminds me to drop everything and jam. This helps me live the kind of example I want to be demonstrating for my kids: try everything and have fun.

 

So-Called Mom

 

While I do believe in practical, I’m most in love with patience. This means we might spend months eating on the floor before we find the right dining room table or that I might acquire a plant before it meets its match in the perfect pot. I can appreciate the convenience of IKEA and the immediacy those things bring, but they ultimately do not add much else (besides the reminder that I was impatient) to the kinds of spaces I want to hang out in. This sometimes drives the kids mad, especially as I take my time searching for the right couch for the TV room. For now, it’s all sleeping bags and pillows and cookie crumbs.

So-Called Mom

The reason these things work for me is because there is a story embedded in everything. And it all creeps in and curls up, each of them finding a special place in your soul. The Chanel pillow is a reminder that even a poor orphan can skyrocket to the very definition of timelessness and style. The photo of my grandfather’s best headstand keeps my perspective in check. A copt of the Outsiders prompts me to take a chip out of the glass ceiling every single day (for those of you that do not know, S.E. Hinton wrote that book as a young girl, age 16, in 1967). A tiny Paris ashtray both pats me on the back for never getting caught up in things like smoking, but also shames me for never making time for travel. The vintage King Kong gives me permission to get a little angry and beat my chest from time to time. And the Theresa Booth painting above that free tufted sofa is a very solid and heavy reminder that the best things in life really are free, so long as you can take it.

I hope you enjoyed my little corner of the universe–how do you surround yourself with things you love and where do they wind up?

Infinite Frills and Frippery,

So-Called Mom

Filed Under: decor Tagged With: big family, blended family, design, home decor, interior decorator, interior design, interiors, living, living room, mom blog, style

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