It’s rare for me to get deeply pissed off and vent to camera about the other so-called parents in our larger blended family but please, hear me out, because I’m going to guess my feelings are not unique to me. Being a step mom is really really hard.
Over my ten years with Pippin, I’ve become somewhat of an expert in step-mothering. And as much as I love all my kids, it’s still challenging. And it’s not because of the kids – it’s the people we are supposedly co-parenting with.
Step-moms out there, I know you feel me.
Over the years, and the myriad of challenges I have faced down, the main thing that kept me going was knowing that the majority of blended families break up. The statistics are not friendsly: more than 60% of blended families break up within the year they merge.
So I made this vow: that I would not, under any circumstances, bail. I now have seven kids who are depending on this being the one constant in their lives; the thing they can depend on no matter what. And no matter how many times the biological moms and dads try to shift the narrative to themselves and their own needs, I keep steering it back to the kids.
Ultimately my Step Mom Survival Kit includes this:
Keep strong boundaries; refuse to play the games.
Do your part, and then some.
Stay strong, knowing that it is a thankless job.
Yes I’m an eternal optimist, but I truly believe it all works out in the end, but perhaps not as you might have expected. Don’t expect any pat on the back and don’t be surprised by the many jaw dropping childish games that come your way by adults. Instead – and this may take a considerable amount of work – find the pleasure in just knowing that you did that A-plus job adding value to the lives of some kids, just because you loved them differently.
A final note: become one with your husband.
There is no other way. Get on the same page and never stray. If I say no to a sleepover because the homework wasn’t done, so does he. Blur the hell out of those “his, mine and ours” lines. We are all under the same roof and as a family, there is no special treatment. And that goes for me, as the step mom who could easily be treated especially different: like the outsider. It would be so simple to just dust my hands off at every challenge we face and say oh well, those aren’t my kids but that’s such a slap in the face to the entire family. This family has merged and so it’s all systems go and don’t look back. Lastly, lose the guilt. Lose the fantasy about what you imagine so-called Family to be. This is family, as logistically weird, dramatic and chaotic as it may be. Follow these simple rules and all of your kids will know where home is.
Rise Above Loves,
So-Called Mom
I feel you. As you state in your video, the hardest part is dealing with the adults involved and not being supported by them (aka it’s okay for stepchildren to ‘hate’ stepmom because ‘mom’ enforces and encourages that behavior). No matter how hard you try, how hard you work to make sure you aren’t ‘replacing’ mom or keep from stepping on her toes, or much you do to show love for the stepchildren, it is a thankless job. Mine are grown, but I spent many moments crying behind closed doors from hurt feelings, outright disrespect, and even open hostility–from the girls and the family from the maternal side. It’s a special kind of love that is not fully appreciated, but, someday, may be understood. I hope. 🙂 Great post. Dawn
Ack! My apologies for not responding to this one. I too, have spent enough time crying behind closed doors–I’m glad we already have so much in common! haha! You’re right though: it does get better as the kids get older and they will understand at some point (Hope is a good thing, right?) I think I did an AWFUL lot of tying a knot at the end of my rope and hanging on in those early days–anmd there were many days where i asked myself how much it was worth dragging myself through the mud on it–but a decade later, I’m glad I did. I’ve learned a lot–its definitely a BIG act of selflessness that many moms shared. xo
Thanks so much for this. Being a ‘stepmom’ to my boyfriend’s kid has been really, really challenging for me. Not because of the kid really, but because of the bio parents. Which is what you allude to and many people do not understand. So, a background should be presented. I met my boyfriend about 3.5 years ago, on an OK Cupid date. On our first date he was up front and told me that he and his ex, aka kids mom, still live together with their kid and two other adults. This was because of several reasons: it’s flipping expensive in PDX (amiright!), they both want to live with their kid and be present as much as they want to/can, and for commute purposes (they both get around solely by bicycle). I was impressed with this arrangement and decided that I liked this person and wanted to see where this would go. It wasn’t a deal breaker, this little arrangement they had at that time.
So fast forward 2.5 years, we (my partner and I) start the house-buying process. The whole time we started this process (about 1 year long), searching for places, etc. there was always this known that he wanted to live with or close to his kid. Well, this also meant living with or close to his ex. Even when we started searches on Zillow he was gauging where houses were in reference to where his ex worked! I called him out on this – um, like why is it important where we live and how far it is to/from her work? Red flag #1.
Types of housing we looked at morphed into single homes that could be converted into two living areas (for us, and for the ex and kid) or duplexes. We had contractor friends taking time out of their days coming to look at houses with us to get an idea if single family homes could be converted in some fashion to accommodate another living space. House hunting is stressful as it is already…. adding to it this financial burden of making a place livable for his ex and the kid was so unbelievable.
The ex and I have an okay relationship. She’s pretty much a 50+ year old woman who’s never lived alone, has no credit, doesn’t know how to drive, and has pretty much relied on other people for most of her life. I don’t dislike her, she’s a nice person. But she has zero boundaries, and in my opinion, zero respect for me and her exes relationship and life. From the beginning of this house process it was kinda always known that we are not buying a home for us and the kid – we are buying a home to house us, the kid, and the ex.
So, to get to the chase, we bought a duplex in SE. A sweet two bedroom, 1 bath each apartment side-by-side in Mt. Scott/Arleta. We got very lucky! It was a dump, and we have put almost 10K into fixing it up so it’s livable. We live in one side, and the ex and kid live in the other. The whole time we were looking, she never once tried to figure her own living situation out for herself and the kid. She even, at one point, suggested that we buy a trailer (like an Airstream or something) to put our backyard and she would “live” in that. WTF?! I nixed that idea asap – I don’t want a backyard family. I think she came over twice while we were in the midst of demolition to help for like an hour. When she and the kid moved in (when the apartment was not ready, but they were asked to leave the friends house they were staying at temporarily because they had enough with her lack of boundaries), I drafted a lease, because she’s a tenant now. She balked at why we had to have a lease, and then asked about earning equity in our house! Ugh. This person… wait, I am getting way off of the subject of stepmom. Sorry, but I feel background is important. So, no to equity (hell no), and yes, she signed the lease. We (me, partner, and ex) split everything 3 ways (mortgage, utilities, etc) even though she has her own meters for her gas/electric and internet hookup. My partner said that it’s cheaper this way for all of us. I didn’t know if it would be or not, but 6 months in and I’ve been keeping track of everything and it’s way cheaper for she and him, not for me. Oh, and this will be changing once her lease is up. My partner and I are in different pots on this one. Because he doesn’t want her to have to pay too much, or he doesn’t want to be solely responsible for his kid’s living expenses next door. He’s said that if I treated his kid like my own (which I do not have any of my own kids – another topic of arguing he and I have had of late), then I would help pay for his expenses next door. Really? Like all the other ways that I treat his kid like “my own” – going to his school parent-teacher meetings (with the kid, the ex, and my partner there….), arranging my work schedule to be able to pick him up from school one day a week and spend the evening with him, signing him up for swim lessons (which he desperately need to know how to swim because we go to rivers all summer), buy him food, ready to him (the very little time that I can), take him hiking and backpacking, etc.
So, I find it very difficult to be a stepmom to their kid. First, he lives solely next door. He is going to be 10 next month and still sleeps with his mother. Not my business. But he can sleep on his own. We’ve been on many vacations and he’s always slept alone just perfectly fine. Even if we had a room for him over at our apartment, I know he would choose to sleep over there. I’ve gotten better at defining the relationship that I have with the kid. I have boundaries and rules. But it’s like this passivity of his mom being there all the time just makes it so hard to be the step-parent I’d love to be. I would love to read him to sleep sometimes. I would like to make him dinner and not have him tell me what he wants is next door. Like the lines in literal and figurative separation are very blurry and it’s hard for me. I’ve mentioned this to my partner and he asks “Why does it have to be so black and white?” I kind of feel like my desires are not unreasonable. I feel like the living arrangement has made it so it’s very hard for me to feel like anything more than a financial asset to keep their co-dependent family relationship intact.
First of all let me just say how sorry I am. I feel for your situation and I’m so glad you saw this so you can see there are other moms out there who are in a constant state of WTF (and even wondering what they signed up for and why). I do think you can get some of yourself back though by asking your boyfriend to sit with you have a serious conversation about a few things: 1. While he may not need boundaries, you do and quite frankly so does your relationship (from her). There is nothing healthy about the confusion you are feeling on this and he can expect you two not to last if this goes on much further. This is similar to how my relationship started out, with my husband wanting to buy a home for his sons mom and I put my foot down. She isn’t his responsibility, yet he is sending her mixed messages.
2. That child should be spending 50/50 time–you should ask for and be able to get your bonding time with him. It’s important to develop a relationship and you should ask for your boyfriends support and let him know its important to you.
3. Please let your boyfriend know that it’s important that he be on the same page as you–especially as this child gets older–you will both need to parent him with rules you agree on (it would be nice if mom could follow those rules, but don’t hold your breath). It is likely this child will grow up to know you as the dependable, level headed one–an important role even if its a thankless job. As for her parents, the best thing you can do is continue to be nice, ignore their slight and pretend like it doesn’t bother you.
Lastly, secure that house. It is a huge investment–your investment that you share with your boyfriend. A nest egg for you and possibly that little kiddo. I do think it’s reasonable that you remind mom that she is an adult and that its healthy to give her a stated amount of time to get on her feet with her own place. I would have your boyfriend do most of the talking but definitely one of the rules is no more couch surfing. The child needs a solid dependable living situation. If she wants to couch surf, thats her choice, but the kid doesn’t join her on that escapade (we actually fought this situation in court and won. Mom bailed for good as a result, that was about 4 years ago and my stepdaughter has finally stabilized. Yes I had more than one step mom in my life–UGH). You should be able to have the first convo with your boyfriend and ask him to stand with you on these issues and then go talk to her. If she flips out, stay calm and ask if a mediator will help and then take it seriously. Remember, she is basically a child herself and is expecting no one to have any follow through or hold her to anything–of course she is not going to like it. I would flat out ask your boyfriend to recognize that he is enabling her to bum off you guys and that it needs to stop for both the health and sanity of your relationship. Also, the kid is watching and will learn the same unless you end it.
I hope this helps and I’m so glad you landed on my page. <3 So-Called Mom