Well, it happened.
Milla lost her privileges to all of her screens and all of her accounts. The hardest part was, that none of it was her fault—even though she still thinks it is.
About a week ago, I posted my thoughts about screens and kids. Well, today I did a 180 on that. Why? Because of a sudden need for maximum security.
As far as I can see, I’ve identified two kinds of damage that surround screen use. The first is the common one: the addiction that comes with too much use, whether it’s social media or video games. Theoretically there’s a straight-forward solution: go outside and play, read a book or use your hands and create something.
The second is more unexpected and much more concerning. It’s made me look to the connective power of the internet as something that is more harmful than helpful. It’s made me question my laissez-faire attitude.
It’s even made me question the way I’ve made some mom choices.
Cutting to the chase: I think my 14-year-old was lured into a teen self-harm group – which is bad enough, but to make matters worse, the group may be linked to some kind of sex trafficking gang or occult. Maybe that sounds like a stretch, but at this point, I don’t care what it is—I just want my daughter as far away from it as possible.
So don’t misunderstand: it’s not like we don’t comprehend internet safety, we just never thought the bad stuff would happen to our own kid. But the depth of insanity that I’m going to reveal is enough to make you realize just how much you don’t know. And I hope it gives you goosebumps. It’s certainly freaked the hell out of me.
So here’s the story:
Last week, Milla’s internet girlfriend broke up with her. She was devastated, and I helped pick up the pieces. This week, one of the friends in the same group of online friends died. I had no idea this child had cancer, no idea she became a bestie, no idea there was even a circle of “friends” that Milla now referred to as her “family”, and no idea just how much that family knew about Milla.
The truth is, I had noticed Milla acting depressed lately and becoming darker and more isolated. I noticed her real friends had completely dwindled—but I thought it was because she favored the online version. For some reason, I didn’t think to question that. I wanted to be open to the fact that we live in a new world, where kids can connect with different people in different cultures. That she was ahead of the curve on this, like always and I wanted to respect her privacy. I tried to put my foot down when I could, but ever so lightly because she was, after all, a 14-year-old girl who was navigating all sorts of stuff—sexuality, friends, trading middle school for high school…all of it. It’s only a stage, I told myself. At least you’re a part of it.
But I don’t know why I thought I was a part of it when I obviously wasn’t.
I was an outsider to a place she was increasingly visiting for answers. I had no idea that she was being swept away. It wasn’t until she was devastated by back to back events – heartbreak from one “Friend” and the death of another – that I was suddenly clued into something more twisted and dark.
It was Pippin who stepped in with some critical questions:
Ok….I’m slow to the uptake. But here was my wake up call.
We looked through her devices and uncovered multiple accounts from a tight group of people who shared images of slashed wrists and made art about death and loneliness. One of them was our beloved Milla—you could literally scroll and see the darkness taking over her originally cheery and artsy account. In scanning through everything, and comparing images and postings, I have reason to believe that there were only a few people, masquerading as a lot more and reeling in vulnerable kids like Milla. I also suspect that some may have been “killed off” to lure kids in even deeper with an end goal I can only shudder to imagine.
Admittedly, my initial reaction was to feel paralyzed and shocked.
I tried to Google, searching for some answers. This was so far outside my realm of experience or that of anyone I knew that I didn’t know where to begin. There was very little at this level—nothing that would help me come to terms with what happened. Sure there was plenty of info about cyber-bullying, but it all seemed oversimplified and centered on hurt feelings—nothing this complex. Then my mind started to spin out, thinking that Milla was very well catfished by that little girl who broke her heart. What if she was a little girl caught up in it too, brainwashed and pressured to recruit other kids?
I understand I’m sounding completely crazy, but with so little information I’m left only with speculation and my own detective work. But wouldn’t you agree that I have enough info though, to make me scour all phones and profiles, delete photos, accounts, apps and block people and phone numbers that aren’t family or known friends? And even so, the devices I’m most concerned about—Milla’s—are sitting, powered off. Those deserve a good cooling off in solitude.
How do any of us really know what they are doing on their social media?
We are caught between letting them find their own way around as we learn to let go, and letting them loose in uncharted and unregulated territories. It’s the wild, wild west out there, and I had been letting Milla—and almost all of my kids really, explore it solo. I would love to give all of the above the benefit of the doubt, but at the risk of losing my child? No way in hell do I take that risk.
I know this feels like punishment to her. I have reinforced otherwise and tried to reduce all of this to the simple example stated above: It’s time to just go outside and play, to reestablish yourself with your friends, and yes, even go talk to someone professional about what happened—to return to ground zero and rebuild.
If anyone has had a similar experience or any kind of advice, please, please share in the comments below–not only would I appreciate hearing from you, but I really kind of need it right now.
Your personal firewall,
So Called Mom
Good Morning from California SoCalledMom 🙂
My name is Dace, Ive just got turned on to your blog today acctually, which also happends to be my birthday. I wanted to tell you, that I believe your decision to take away your childrens electronics, bring her back to baseline and rebuild, is the best way to help children who face internet addiction and social media mind control. As a 25 year old woman with a 1 year old son, I face social media mind control as well. It is a debilitating situation that as a parent I struggled with harshly. For having all this freedom and lacking self control, my days are hard to deal with now. I wish my parents had a mind to control my internet usage and content awareness. Now that I am older, I really could use the help of someone with more will than me to help me shut it all off. Thank you for posting this, I really needed to find you.
Have a wonderful Sunday. I think you are doing a great job 🙂
Love from a struggling new mom,
Dace
Well HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It is lovely to read your comment. The internet is a blessing and a curse and I think that (well, I feel like I can honestly say I KNOW that) there is a very different usage that is happening by my kids that I am unable to wrap my head around. So unfortunately/fortunately for them, the best response is pulling the plug as much as possible. Without a complete cut off–or just moving to a deserted island like the Swiss Family Robinson (which I used to dream about when I was a kid). So glad to meet you too! xo, Kristen
Would like to share this word of warning on my own blog. My own daughter got lured into a very dark place with self harm and drugs – only it was from another girl in real life. Took a bit of legal intervention, some counseling and a lot of daddy-daughter time to get her back on track.