teenagers

Almost A Teenager (Hint: They STILL Need You)

by SoCalledMom · Sep 30, 2017

Towards the end of summer, my middle kid, MJ, expressed some big plans, in her usual way: quietly but with conviction.

Now that school is in full swing, she has shown me that these So-Called Plans are very much in the works.

When your child enters 6th grade, it raises no red flags of potential mother daughter disconnect–at least it didn’t for me. This is the age they’re still trying to figure out what is going on and how to fit in–without looking like they’re trying too hard. To them, you still pretty much know everything and are their greatest advocate. But 7th grade is a different story. They have crafted their own road map now, and it looks nothing like the one you gave them. They have it completely dialed, know the rough terrain and are willing to plow through it and all we can do is act like the back seat driver from here on out.

But I wondered how quickly MJ would develop this 7th grade mentality–for survival if anything else, because she was new to this middle school, neighborhood, city and state. Just add hormones and sudden self-awareness and I’ve got a whole new kid. And her summertime promises of I’m going to be popular and I’m going to make my own path had me eating out of her hand like a squirrel: Yes! Chomp chomp chomp! You got this! Chomp chomp!

However, she is quiet and a little quirky and until last week, kind of oblivious to her looks. And so, the intersection of popularity and making your own path tend to, well, never ever intersect. Until she got out her new road map and made some real adjustments and is in the process of figuring out how to navigate on her own.

The upside is that she has the entire school to herself this year. There are no siblings to relay unwanted stories up the food chain and she can try out new versions of herself without anyone reporting it to home base. She has complete authority to shape shift into whomever she wants, free from any of our judgement, which is great. I mean, it’s one thing to be the quiet middle child in a blended family with seven kids—it’s another thing to be the only one in your family with a new school as the center of your universe.

I have been checking out parenting books from the library like mad lately. I tend to flock to this information haven whenever I feel a developmental crisis coming on. I check out books with titles like “Are my kids on track?” and “Mothering with Courage” and really anything that has the word teenager in it. Like, my check out status has my librarian believing I’ve never done this before. These library binges for me are much like shopping when you’re hungry: Everything looks good. But, I’m not gonna lie, I’m awful at soaking up this information. Most of the time it doesn’t stick because it doesn’t apply. There are too many variables to consider (like having a big family), so I just use it as material to help me fall asleep at night and hope the rest of the words soak into my brain while I’m in La La Land. Well that and I just try to stay on the same road she’s on, even though she’s clearly signaled she’s in the passing lane.

Let me just say that sometimes, lessons from the middle child can be the most pleasant—even though we’re talking about another one of my tweens, transforming into a teen and dodging my childhood development desire for a pat on the back. But there’s still time to get this right! Even though I’m prepared to use my husband as a meat shield while another one of our kids turns 13, I’m working on indulging her perspective mid-metamorphosis.

The jump from tween to teen is a big one. It means leaving awkwardness behind and becoming mindful of making a place for yourself in the world. It also means suddenly caring about how you might look to others. This is a complex stage because I always want my kids to just be themselves, to not feel as though they need to conform. This is how we make the world a different and more forgiving place. But I’m just now learning that it’s just as important for them to try out other versions of themselves, knowing that this is who they are. I’m just happy to still play a part, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

So Called Mom

Back to School: Fast Forward Senior Year

by SoCalledMom · Sep 5, 2017

It’s back to school season everywhere and the one thing I can promise you on my page is a alot of everything, age-wise. Of course, there is no lack of conversation, or in this case: me asking you, dear readers, for advice.

Take my oldest Jake, for instance: One big struggle with parenting is that it’s easy to get comfortable in a “time zone”. Of course we take great notice when our kids become teens, but after that? It’s a fine line to walk to total failure. You spend the rest of that teen-time struggling to get out of the way so they can develop some independence, only to learn at the last minute, they still don’t have any–or at least the kind they need to get off to a successful start.

There must be some parental gray area between: fill out this application or email your teacher, and straight up doing it for them– but I have yet to find it. And trying to find the wide spectrum of choices that exists with a teenager isn’t easy when they’ve adopted the typical this-or-that attitude. For example: If college is not an option currently, what will you do to make sure you are personally developing, and not rotting in front of a screen? Not, All I know is that I’m likely not going to college. And that’s it?

It’s straight up painful to know that my kid can shoot for the stars and land among them, yet he doesn’t even try to get off the couch, or live beyond mine. What is going on here?

I have poured over parenting books, hoping for a miracle elixir and have turned up nothing. It’s hard to know what needs doing at this stage, only a handful of months before (possibly, dependent) adulthood. And while I like having him around, I do not want him to get comfortable as described in the video above because his entire life is waiting for him to be awesome.

I’m determined to get this figured out, so if you have any words of wisdom, I’m open.

T-Minus 9 months and counting…

So Called Mom

Screen Detox for Beginners: A How-to Guide

by SoCalledMom · Aug 30, 2017

Last week was enlightening.

I learned quite a bit about my kids, myself and basically got to know our entire family more–without having screens in our faces.

We enjoyed it so much (despite the tribulations) that I thought I’d make a simple How To video (complete with real life examples!) that hopefully will inspire you to join in.

It sounds/feels/and kind of is a terrible idea to begin with, especially with all the I’m Bored commentary, but it’s totally worth it. Check out the guide above for help. I promise, the first 24 hours is the hard part–but just like anything, it gets easier with time. Plus, you get your family back!

C’mon! Join in, get your family back and start the school year off proper! Really, if I can do it, so can you.

So Called Mom

SURVIVING SCREEN FREE WEEK: This is What BORED Looks Like.

by SoCalledMom · Aug 25, 2017

This week I have learned a very important lesson. Being BORED is not a bad thing.

In fact, the negative aspect of going screen-free with your kids can and will be flipped and even flip on it’s own, in time. Putting our phones away for an entire week (or more if I get my way) has turned into a family luxury all of the sudden.

In a world where our brains receive a constant typhoon of information via our screens, it’s a welcome relief to halt that influx of individualized stimuli. The result?

We suddenly have nothing to do.

When we find ourselves in this spot, seen as a void in the beginning, we are creating space for our minds to have downtime. To relax and release accumulated stress and also to return to a natural state of imagination, exploration and inventiveness. And I’m not talking about putting the screen down for a few hours. I mean days– weeks even. It’s magical.

The kids have especially shown me how detaching from screens is essential, so we can thrive elsewhere in life:

And while they are still asking me how many days and hours are left until they get their devices back, those requests are dwindling. Which means we are slowly getting back to the land of Here is how you make fun without having something or someone do it for you. Also known as: Parental Paradise.

So-Called Mom

Screen Detox: The first 24 hours

by SoCalledMom · Aug 23, 2017

When I announced a plea to go screen free and have a hard reset before school starts, the teenagers acted like I was asking them to hold their breath until I said stop.

Side Note: The trouble with having a gaggle of children in your family is that at some point they get older, and band together, much like a wolf pack. My set of four teens (ages 17-14): Jake, Phoenix, Em and Milla (and soon to be MJ, ack!) have grown up and into an unbreakable bond. As a result, they have learned the subtle art of luring me into the middle so they can pounce. Well played on their part, I must say. However, when they stick up for each other like this (even when they did something wrong), I get tangled in the conflict easily. If they didn’t defend each other with such hard core allegiance, I wouldn’t find myself arguing with one kid about the other while they are sitting right next to me.

In the case of screens and teens and my sudden aptitude for inhumanity (well, according to them), their wolf-pack tactic was in full play:

But I insist. This hard reset is all about developing new habits. It’s about cutting way back and figuring out where the trouble spots are and finally arriving at what the balance is. I believe wholeheartedly that we can do better than this, and I fully accept the blame in not setting these boundaries from the get-go. But in my So Called Mom spirit, I’m fixing it now, and that’s what matters. Because there’s nothing worse than contributing to a generation of kids who can’t look 6-12 inches past their noses.

As of 24 hours later, I still feel grounded and confident in this decision. Everyone has been keeping busy enough with board games and going outside. But Hmmm, what will Day TWO bring us?

So-Called Mom

How the WILDERNESS Changed my TEENAGER

by SoCalledMom · Aug 18, 2017

The last 15 days, have been the longest 15 days of our lives. A whole lotta change has taken place.

My eldest kid, 17-year-old Jake, has been away on an Outward Bound white water rafting and mountaineering course and I have had zero contact with him until pickup yesterday. For those of you not in the know, Outward Bound is a global organization that specializes in exposing your kid to the outdoors which also, naturally, helps them discover and overcome their own personal hurdles and blockages in life–ultimately giving an individual a lesson in themselves and an opportunity to seek improvement and acceptance. There are a multitude of courses offered–from 60 day dogsledding treks across Alaska, to 100 day boating navigation adventures from Maine to Bahamas, to diving and service based work in Costa Rica, etc. Since Outward Bound was so new to us, we chose to stay in Oregon–knowing that Jake would still get exactly what he needed to get, without traveling far from our own backyard.

The first few days were a nightmare. And of course, I’m only speaking for me. But you can bet I was transferring it to him: this emptiness and lack of knowing what’s happening is scary and horrible! This must be how he feels too! So I spent a couple of days assuming what was going on out there: that he was hating it, and hating me. But then I had to admit I surely wasn’t giving him enough credit. This was about him proving to himself that he could do it–and here I was making rude bets and sneaky arrangements with my subconscious that he couldn’t.

So I just let it all go.

If he hated me at the end, well then, it was the beginning of making up for a lifetime of holding him back. But if he didn’t, it was worth the risk, discomfort and challenge of becoming a better parent.

Check out the full adventure in my YouTube playlist here: So Called Outward Bound Adventure

Prepping a teen for adulthood is harder than anything. Mostly because the act of getting them ready to fly from the nest is also getting you ready–for the absence, for the extra space, for not hearing from him, for not knowing what’s going on, for missing out, missing him, for the rest of my kids to follow him out the door. And so, you’re right in thinking that this adventure away from home was just as much about prepping me for the future of Jake, as it was him. Although I didn’t completely realize it at the time.

I had to work hard at dismissing my thoughts in order to make space for him to come home, not as a different kid–but an adult who didn’t need me anymore.

I had to be honest with myself and let go of needing him to need me–because he doesn’t anymore and he hasn’t for a long time. But before you start weeping and cracking open the wine in solidarity with my sad realization, let me remind us So-Called Moms, that this doesn’t need to be examined under a fatalistic lens. It’s critical to interrupt this overthinking and deeply consider what we really want for our kids and own when we are tragically holding them back. Do we want to raise them into adults who are clingy and afraid or bold and sturdy? I vote for the second option. I’m sure we all do, but which side do our actions really nurture? Because even if we think we are encouraging them to be bold and resilient, our actions often communicate otherwise. No wonder they get so frustrated with us.

At the end of each Outward Bound course, there is an opportunity for self reflection that the staff offers as an option to students who are ready: the 24 hour solo trip. I was surprised that Jake opted to participate over the alternative: Summit the mountain with the rest of the group, whom he had become close with. But instead he hiked 1/2 mile away from everyone and spent 24 hours alone. I bet going solo was Jake’s version of summiting the mountain. I haven’t asked, but I think he knew the summit would be easy for him and sitting alone for what felt like an eternity and counting on no-one but himself was the challenge that he was after. I’m just shocked he didn’t take the easy way out: summit that mountain, coast through the rest of the course and finish the trip with flying colors. But no, he actually wanted to sit alone with his thoughts, which took a level courage I didn’t know he had. Maybe he didn’t either. Now that is something to open our wine and toast to!

Cheers,

So-Called Mom

How to make up for WEAK Parenting

by SoCalledMom · Aug 10, 2017

We are at the halfway point with Jake being at Outward Bound. Even though we haven’t heard from him at all, I already know how much change and growth is happening. I know because I can feel it happening to me. I feel strength, confidence and like a huge leap has been taken into adulthood. And I haven’t been there to hinder him.

I hate to make it about me, but I fully recognize that I was a big part of the problem.

Case in point, here I am tying his shoes, not once, but twice, in the last week leading up to this thing.

Embarrassing, I know!

This is a really good exercise in accountability. I really believe that most of us So-Called Moms don’t intentionally meddle or try to mess up our kids. I think we have babies, teach them to survive and then continue, out of habit, to teach them they need us. For everything. And then we get frustrated when they get frustrated with us for not letting them take on their own life, even when they are sending very clear messages.

It’s never too late to redeem yourself for all those years you did some crazy hand holding when it definitely was not needed. I’m excited to see him, but I’m also excited to have him come back and be unfamiliar to me. He’s on his own now.

I’m grateful for this program. I knew I would be, but this is a different level. I feel like Outward Bound is our family’s version of what most parents would consider Yale or Harvard for their kid. There is nothing more to say about it. I’m beaming just sitting here writing about an experience I am really only speculating about. And the bast part is knowing that it’s not speculation, but intuition. And that’s all I need to become the parent that I’ve always wanted to be.

So-Called Mom