kids

Seven Kindergartens Later: So Called Loneliness

by SoCalledMom · Sep 23, 2017

This has been a tough week…

I have been struggling with separation anxiety all week, now that all seven of my kids are finally school age, i.e. not at home anymore. I believe that in the ring of getting older, this is the right hook of empty nest syndrome, with the final jab knocking me down for the count: the kids leaving home for good.

No matter how prepared I think I am, I’m just not. I know I parade around on this page as though I haven’t given up my life for my kids, but when they’re gone like this, I realize how much I actually have. I went from grasping tiny and even medium sized hands for years to grasping at straws–in what feels like no time at all.

When Pippin and I met, it was an instant party.

Combined, we had 5 kids under age 6 when we got together. And because that wasn’t enough, we had two more. We were young ourselves, and Pippin was the perfect partner in all the blended chaos. I remember reading back then about how blended families have a 25% chance of making it past a year before they are usually faced with another divorce. That figure crushed me. I understood why, but when we blazed a trail past each year, still together and still very much in love, I knew we had cracked the code. I felt lucky, overwhelmed, tired, but well-loved and in so many different ways.

I had kids that were mine that weren’t his; kids that were his that weren’t mine; and we had kids together. It wasn’t long before I became concerned that each child would feel lost in our gaggle and made it my personal quest to ensure each one would find their way, and seek out who they are, what makes them unique, and still a very necessary cog in our crazy family wheel.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because not once did I ever think it would change.

Why? Because when we were all together, piled in our 12 passenger Econoline, or all attempting to sleep on the same never-big-enough mattress in the wee hours of the morning when they were collectively much smaller, everything was perfect. I mean, we were far from normal, but this was everything I ever wanted, without really knowing it.

Everyone around me was shocked: She could handle seven kids, let alone one? Yessir, and these kids were everything that defined, or re-defined, family for me: wacky, emotional, hilarious and inconvenient–but chock full of endless, breathtaking love. No wonder I handed over my life to them–what in the hell was I before them? I couldn’t remember because I scrubbed it from my mind for a reason. This was my life now: a permanent upgrade–or so I thought.

Fast forward to today.

Imagine seven different kindergarten goodbyes, spread out over 13 years. You’d think I was a pro by now and although I can handle back to school paperwork in my sleep these days and have even gotten really good at turning down school-wide pleas for me to join the PTA (I jest), I’m definitely not good at the letting go thing. And it’s especially compounded when they are doing so well away from me, and I need to pretend that I am too.

That’s the best picture I’ve seen you draw. You made it all the way across the monkey bars with no help? You spelled your entire name with no help? You check out a library book on spiders all by yourself? Oh, what did I do today? Well, I thought of how great you are doing and then I did some laundry. Unfortunately I had no planned response in my back pocket to offer–that was better at least, than a soggy sandwich reply like thinking of you and laundry.

So the best thing I can do for myself is to look for a job; I simply can’t take the quiet. They go do their thing during the day and I go and do mine and we can talk about it each night and I can adjust. Slowly but surely. So that I can ultimately get myself ready for those much bigger goodbyes coming down the line…and if I’m not mistaken, my first is about seven months out.

Better get good at this,

So-Called Mom

Feminism Meets the Claw Machine

by SoCalledMom · Jul 18, 2017

With each passing and increasingly busy day, it’s easy to loose track of the little things that make life so smashing. I’m one of those people that gets so fixated on the process of crushing goals, that I loose track of where I’m at. What’s worse is when I get completely hung up over seemingly endless obstacles that I’m sure were put there just for me to struggle with. Everything I could ever want is right in front of me…yet just out of reach.

My favorite thing about having kids is that they live outside of this reality.

They possess the power to look at life so differently, that small wins can translate to larger than life victory laps. I am always re-learing this lesson from them, determined to pause and celebrate more, to recognize jackpot status and bask in that light like there’s no tomorrow.

Look, I realize it might be a stretch to tie this video to my month-long dedication to feminism as a family value, but there’s something about it that just makes sense. Could it be that our local claw machine favors no one and only delivers plushy magical goodness to those who truly believe? Maybe too easy an answer, but check it out:

So much of what we do in life is shaped by our thoughts, dreams, and sure, even claw machines. Sometimes you put a buck in and strike out. Other times, you strike gold. And it’s the gold moments that make it all worth it.

All those moments you lost, all the struggle and strife– is the reason you finally won.

Perseverance. That explanation works, too, but I’ll go a layer deeper.

If you look at your glass barrier and tools like a challenge and not an obstruction, you might just win big.

I like that perspective.

So Called Mom

Should I have ANOTHER BABY? When 7 kids isn’t enough.

by SoCalledMom · Jun 6, 2017

It’ll be interesting to experience the potential wrath of scrutiny I’ll get from speaking my mind here, but I’m going to say it anyway: I think I’m supposed to have another baby.

having more kids, another baby, big family, blended family

When opportunity knocks, you answer. And I have, each and every time, with open arms.

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Except that for the first time ever, the knocking ain’t happening on my door, so to speak. Which is interesting because I never thought I was the adoption type, until now.

I started reading a handful of articles yesterday about having babies as an older woman—adoptive or otherwise and I must admit it’s making me both nervous and excited. To be honest, I’m not even sure I’ll pass the home inspection test: I feel like the decision makers might enter my home with their sharpened pencils and clip boards and realize that we’re already at max capacity. Or maybe that we’re a little weird and the farthest thing from being wholesome christians. Or maybe they’ll sidestep some of their proviso’s in lieu of overwhelming love? Who knows.

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As of now, they aren’t exactly my concern. Pippin is– who has been talking vacation and vasectomy like it was going out of style. Rumor also has it he wants to downsize our 15 passenger Econoline and trade it for a wagon of sorts. This doesn’t look promising, but I’m not about to give up.

Taking it in,

So-Called Mom

For inquiring minds: Yes we did have a hotel birth. Video here:

How to Start a Kid Business Before Breakfast

by SoCalledMom · May 30, 2017

Pascal is an unstoppable force! She is about to start her own skate company–a Kid Business– to inspire little girls like her to quit posing and start riding! In Pascal’s words: “Skateboarding is for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl–but the companies still just want us to pose with the boards to sell them, not by riding them. We need companies that show girls in the sport–and we don’t want to belong to the boys club. We have our own style!”

Originally I was skeptical of this sudden desire to jump in and launch this, but I had to stop myself because she has never given me a reason to doubt her.

She makes more money playing accordion in Downtown Portland than a high end lawyer does sweating in a courtroom, she takes bigger risks than a seasoned broker on Wall Street–she can practically move mountains just by looking at them (Well, once she gets her butt out of bed).

In fact, this nine-year-old has taught me to stand back and watch from day one and it looks like she’s just getting started. I have nothing but confidence in this kid to run this kid business. She is clearly ready for her first start-up venture. She has drive, she has talent, she has an opinion and she isn’t afraid of failing. ALL of these things are magnificent ingredients for a successful business.

Now if she only had the parents to So-Called guide her–because we possess zero talent in the retail world. This will be a learning curve for all of us, that’s for sure.

Rolling up My Sleeves,

So-Called Mom

The Beautiful Colors Fancy Club for BOYS!!!! <3

by SoCalledMom · May 29, 2017

Last week our fabulous new neighborhood had a community-wide garage sale. Pippin and I, being the frugal parents we are, set out early Saturday morning, sipping coffee and hopping from house to house; introducing ourselves to our new neighbors and taking advantage of things like $2 jeans and $40 flat screen TV’s for the teenage boys room as well as household items like a lawnmower and a cruiser bike.

Yes, the glory of saving so much by avoiding retail and scoring these goodies was great. But everything combined didn’t compare to the impact of amassing boxes of My Little Pony and pint-sized pink and purple condos with attached doggie daycare salons. For $6, I couldn’t resist getting the whole lot of it, in hopes that at least one of the girls would still be game to delve into such childish fantasies.

Well it took about ten seconds for all of them to disabuse me of that notion. I got sucked into a mom-organizing vortex, and when I came up for air, I realized my five year old boy had been unsupervised for upwards of three hours. Oops.

I found Leopold in his bedroom, with his inner little girl apparently awakened.

My little violent boy-child had swapped out all of his dinosaurs, Nerf guns and space ships for these sweet little girl treasures: neatly lining his shelves were pink and purple plastic rooftops, manicured storefronts, poodle slides and lace trimmed tabletops with matching napkins. Now, granted, a zebra doesn’t lose it’s stripes (he was yelling Get into your cage or there is no dessert! while forcing a baby into a cage with a hairdryer, ) – but it was a softer, gentler Leopold than say, the one who shoots an arrow into your face.

To be entirely transparent, the first thing that came to mind was: That’s a lot of girly for a boys room. Maybe It’s just a novelty thing. But then I caught myself; I wanted Leopold to have access and permission to play with whatever interested him. I’m embarrassed to admit those were my first thoughts, and actually now am relieved to see this softer side of him. You go, Leopold! Take this fancy world by storm!!

We often inadvertently steer our children towards a specific gender with toys, and clothes and even playmates. That’s so obvious it sounds almost trite, but because the gender- appropriate messages surround us, you really have to stay vigilant to not feed into it. I certainly fed into it: my boys had blue rooms; the girls got pink. Boys got trucks and girls got dolls. Pants and dresses. And then I wonder, how does this affect their nature? I mean, the direct opposite of what’s going on with Leopold has already happened with Pascal. Because she is KILLING it at the skate park where not just boys compete with her, but also grown men.

Anyway, there’s mountains of books and articles written about this stuff and has been for years. But I’m now seeing my own hoard of children in a new light, as little people who can teach me a thing or two about diluting the gender-specific dogma that constricts us.

I know I’ll be encouraging more choices from here on out. And, I’m calling that $6 bucks, some of the best money I’ve ever spent.

Newly Neutral,

So-Called Mom

So-Called Letting Go

by SoCalledMom · May 17, 2017

Some things are easy to write and talk about and others, not so much.

At the top of this list is the glaring fact that my kids are getting older. And not just this, but it is the first time in almost 20 years that I haven’t had a baby in the house. That’s a sentiment that raises even my eyebrows. In addition, referring to 5 year old Leopold as a baby lately has become an embarrassing habit that I recently have forced myself to break. I don’t even think I allowed him to transition to toddler-hood. He was always the baby, and now he’s a kid. A big kid—a kindergartener for crying out loud.

So–no babies for this mom, plus most of my kids that are now taller than me, mixed in with the fact that time definitely doesn’t seem to be slowing down at all and you have one hot matriarchal mess.

To help me cope with my new discovery, I’m laying out my obvious fears in the scrutinizing daylight:

1. All I have known is being a mom who is deeply connected (dependent even?) to her kids. In a world where everything can be up in the air, being a mom was the one grounding thing I could be sure of. They don’t really need me as much these days—now what? Well, now I’m not so sure of anything.

2. For the last ten years, Pippin and I have raised a blended family together. We have never known each other without our kids in the mix. When the last of the blend is off to live their own life, what will happen to ours?

3. The idea of not being this all-systems-go mom that I have grown accustomed to, has me suddenly feeling like I don’t know my name. Sure I’m not quite 40 yet and I’m not one of those people who believes that 40 is old, but it does make me wonder: what exactly will I do when they are all gone?

4. Did I even do a good job?

I had my first kid, Jake, when I was 22 and I have always sworn that he was the thing that kept me on track, kept me out of trouble, kept me working harder than ever. I always say/think/feel that I was nothing before I had kids….so does that translate as the same after they fly the coop? Will I become nothing again? Bored? A trouble maker? These are real concerns of mine that anyone could flag as being fodder for a potential crisis. But I don’t want a crisis—midlife or otherwise. I want a transition point. I want to slow down time and create a gradual turn into this next stage. I want to savor this age, as awkward as it is for myself, the kids and the whole family in general. And then I want to accept that change, as scary as it is.

So what do I do to keep myself from doing anything drastic, like having another baby to fill this sudden void? I think I’m supposed to accept the discomfort of the void, and fill it with something else. Like self care for instance. Something I’m good at, but only after everything else is done—like most moms, I’m guessing. I consider myself a low maintenance person. It’s not that I put myself last, it’s just that I—outside of binge shopping for a self medicated distraction—I don’t always see to it that my needs are met until it’s just about too late.

Interestingly enough, that’s exactly the point—the problem— really. I have kids, seven of them: which means my needs are met through them. And now I’m realizing that isn’t sustainable.

So the new goal here is to slow it down, mom-wise. To make a steady transition to being a mom with kids that have grown their own wings. And to address the lack of having a baby– on my yoga mat. And come to a place where I can be OK without taking care of anyone but myself, and Pippin of course.

Switching Gears,

So-Called Mom

I Need Some Real Mom Advice

by SoCalledMom · May 5, 2017

Since I’m dishing out So-Called Mom real life lessons like candy, I’d like some advice myself. I mean, I don’t pretend to be an expert on….well, anything. Heck, I’m just a So-Called Mom. I realize since we are creating a network of sorts, I may as well tap into your expertise.

One of my kids is not like the others. I know….all moms say that, but it doesn’t make it any the less true. Or challenging. She’s just…different. For example, she’s so detail oriented, it gets the better of her. It means she often misses deadlines for schoolwork, because she’s fixated on also turning in the extra credit work – leaving the entire assignment too late and useless to turn in. Other times, she can be so spacey, she forgets some key fundamentals. It means more days than I’d like to admit where she has been left behind (at home, at the movies, at the mall). Or evenings when she’s meandered downstairs asking when dinner is going to happen, as I’m loading the dishwasher. Sweetie, dinner was three hours ago. It’s not like I don’t shout Dinnertime! And it’s not like we have it at ever shifting hours every day. If someone doesn’t come, I assume they aren’t hungry.

And here’s the other lesson: I can’t go around the house yanking everyone’s earbuds out making sure they’ve heard me. It’s like, you have a clock on that phone in your hand and a stomach. Those two things should signal when it’s time to eat! But I digress.

She also can go from zero to ninety over inconsequential moments like someone taking her mechanical pencil or laughing because her shoes are on the wrong feet. And I wish I could say all of this was hormonal (she is 12 after all), but she has always been like this. Or maybe she’s more like me than I realize.

We all say that she could be anything she puts her mind to: neurosurgeon, supermodel, musician. But there’s the rub: she doesn’t put her mind to anything long enough to catch and become her thing. She is out there, floating in space, but with no gravitational pull—at least nothing I have seen. She wants to do it all, and certainly could—but there is nothing that fuels her—that makes it so she eats, drinks and breathes gymnastics, or tennis, or animation or, or, or…And did I mention she is her own roadblock? Unlike with Leopold, where it seemed it was me who had to get out of the way, if MJ could get out of her own way – and stop meditating on everything, she’d soar.

Anyhow, I’m hoping you can help me out here. Should I be worried? Should I let her find her way, essentially leaving her be/letting her fail/letting her discover who she is? Or should I intervene? I think my biggest fear is that she will feel unsupported – already I’ve got 6 other kids and a husband to juggle. She often feels like the neglected one. Which I think is every mother’s fear. I feel like our girls learn to be strong women from us. They ultimately learn how to be treated in the workplace, and by their spouses and their own children from us too. We teach self respect, integrity and grace by demonstrating it well and um, just as important, also not demonstrating it well at all.

This likely bugs me, because she reminds me of myself. I always call her mini-me: darling, yes but also defensive and stubborn as hell. And she’s a perfectionist…to the point of inaction. Should I be steering her clear of the bumpy road that I’ve lived? Or should I accept it and invite her along for the ride? Should I challenge her, I mean really push her? What do you think she is craving so she can get her butt in gear and realize her true potential? How do I discover what rocks her world she she can make something happen and start to build some real confidence and passion?

So what do you say, Moms? Anyone have a clue what to do?

Waiting (semi)patiently,

So-Called Mom