Intentional Living

Coronavirus Journal Entry 6: Unschooling During a Pandemic

by SoCalledMom · Apr 7, 2020

I’m not sure what this whole craze is about pressing ahead with homeschooling. This isn’t a time to accelerate, especially with our kids. If anything, this is a time to completely take your foot off the gas and re-connect with them over super slow days jam packed with a clean slate.

Now is the time to talk about what is going on in the world. It is time to ask them what they think. It is time to ask: if you could do anything at all, and know you aren’t going to be judged or graded, what would that be? You might be surprised with the response.

In the past I have repeatedly lost the war over screen time. This is not the time to go at it again. On a similar note, I have let my kids quit school before to take up homeschooling. It went well enough for them to survive it. I feel like this is another one of those times where letting our kids off the hook is a good thing. This definitely includes school.

Instead of logging into ZOOM, do something else. Go for a walk, make some art, build a huge fort in Minecraft together. Do something that previously might not have mattered and let it take up your time together. Now is what we have, so seize it by zeroing out the stress of perseverance.

If you’re looking for a few neat projects (without pressure!) to do together, I have a list of things that have worked for us noted below: The Eames House of Cards has been a fun tool for us; sometimes we’ve created wacky structures while talking about tween life, breakups, ways to approach your new boss and also plain talk, free from weighty subject matter. It’s a self explanatory zen game, really, and just as fun to work with others, as it is alone.

We’ve had success making the planetary mobile above as it has led to some long term interest, conversations, questions and fascinations about space. And I cannot SING enough praises about what a difference adding a growing fixture has made to our little indoor garden. For instructions on how to grow one using materials your quarantined-self already has, check out this handy-dandy video tutorial I made.

If you know me at all, you know I love dressing up…even if I have nowhere to go. In any case, this ensemble reminds me of my kindergarten teacher when I went to that funky hippie school in Connecticut. Just go with it, no one will see you, you sexy beast. 🙂

Finally, here are some really great books that have helped me transition from traditional school, to homeschool and finally unschooling. Side note: The book titled: What your Second Grader needs to Know is one of those state assessment/common core nonsense books. I appreciate this one because it merely serves as a guide to see where your kid is at versus what society is expecting. It barely matters to me, so I’ve used this as a jumping off point only, when Leopold transitioned last year.

I hope everyone is doing alright out there. At least doing the best they possibly can be. We are stronger together and our kids are right here, are by our side.

xo, So Called Mom

Covid-19 Journal Entry 2: Slow Life, Like it or Not

by SoCalledMom · Mar 20, 2020

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After all the news of shut downs and closures finally starting to happen, I now realize we’re going to be here for much longer than any of us anticipated. If you and I thought two weeks was long, try eight. Or three months. Or however long this thing will last.

Since we’ve already been self-quarantined for going on three weeks ourselves, I’m accepting it: Life will forever be changed and there is nothing we can do to get back to the way it once was.

As a society, the majority of people living and working in the US have lived the last 10-15 years doing way too much. Everyone is hustling. Moving up. Getting ahead. Trying to catch a break. Therefore we’re overworked and still don’t feel like we’re enough. We’ve learned to multitask ourselves into the ground and become so multifaceted, there isn’t enough time for rest or sleep. We’re always on. Always available. Always exhausted. And we have evolved to be extra time sensitive. There isn’t enough of us to go around, to get it all done. And so it’s hustle hustle hustle. You’d better do it well, and do it quickly. We’ve been persevering like sharks in a tight tank—forever moving forward, circling ourselves, so we don’t drown.

This increasingly intense behavior has taught us over the course of at least a half a lifetime, that going slow is bad. That taking the time to do something, means it’s not worth it. Our patience has dwindled—with ourselves and with each other. And the knee jerk reaction is always to step it up.

As a busy mom of seven, and with a full time career, I know the incessant feeling of not feeling like I’m good at much of anything. There simply isn’t time to zero in or hone my craft. I hate that feeling and I have often dreamed of stepping away from doing things that reinforce this feeling of inadequacy.

Indeed, the thing I think about most is living a slower life. This fantasy includes me doing less, and being able to still make ends meet, with a reduced income. It means reusing and repurposing. It means being more conscious and producing way less waste. If I could flip a switch now, I’d be on farm and in a home with only the things we need and use. The kids pitch in more than they currently do—and we can function like a small company.

Part of me realizes this thinking is unrealistic, head-in-the-clouds, la-la-land-type nonsense, but another part of me recognizes that it’s time to make some of this a reality. In terms of the tragedy currently unfolding before our very eyes, slow living is the answer. It is the way we’ll get through this. Slowing down intentionally will reduce panic and anxiety. And it will take time to adjust and undo all the years spent doing nothing but stepping it up. But it’s worth it, because what’s the alternative? I can’t come up with an answer.

Dialing down the intensity of life could look like this: Doing less, trying to re-center in the present moment, put an emphasis on people you care about and even know when to unplug. The point is to reduce chaos to enjoy life more; take your foot off the gas pedal and try to coast a little bit. To get out of the fast lane. Right now. Instead of freaking out about being cooped up with family you’re realizing you barely know, shift. Do something that previously felt like it barely mattered, and do it together.

Yesterday I woke up and found myself digging through our craft bin. I found some loose origami paper and looked up how to make something simple like swans. I drank my coffee and made swan after swan until it was memorized and everyone else was up. Then they joined me.

We have a bunch of stuff to use that I never got around to tossing after our previous attempts at homeschooling, but even if you don’t have these things, have no fear. Have a pair of scissors and some shoeboxes? Make box robots, or small houses with cardboard furniture. Make finger puppets from an old t-shirt and a needle & thread. Dismantle an old dvd player and repurpose the pieces.

The time is now to use your imagination. Let go of all the other stuff we’ve been programmed to cling to. It simply doesn’t matter anymore and will not be of use moving forward.

Creativity is the new normal. However we rebound, we will forever be changed by this. Emerge with a strengthened sense of self by slowing down.

Stay sane, parents. This too will eventually pass.

xo, So Called Mom

Coronavirus Journal Entry 1: Life as we Know it

by SoCalledMom · Mar 17, 2020

First of all, I’m trying not to get supremely annoyed by the fact that I’ve started a Coronavirus journal. For what its worth I feel drawn to cover this experience as it unfolds and hopefully provide you with something helpful. Like most of us, I was thinking this would blow over—however once the news about Italy took over my feed, I was sure the US would be next in line for this horrifying outbreak.

Therefore, life as we know it, is officially over.

Because we live in Washington, the epicenter of this outbreak, I’m thankful Pippin insisted on keeping the kids home from school for the last two weeks, despite State officials not acting quickly to close until yesterday. AND despite receiving a notice from the kids’ school threatening to file a petition with juvenile court because of their absences. At this point, we have about a three-week run on this thing.

But none of that matters today. It feels very much on the brink of every man for himself now. I hope it doesn’t get that crazy, but the lack of experience us privileged Americans have with this kind of thing has me thinking otherwise. So, I’m glad we’ve been self-isolated for a stretch of time, except a couple big trips to the store and me getting my things from work so I can attempt to focus and work from home.

Like many moms and dads, I’m working on not going insane while keeping the kids from going going insane or driving each other insane. I suppose an upside to this mess is that I once used to homeschool the kids and have never relied too much on the school system for getting the job done anyway. That doesn’t mean I did the best job at it either—but it does mean that we have tons of homeschool supplies and I’m not afraid to use them….or, better yet, let them use them. Because lets just admit, us parents are freaking out too, so any time spent on learning, needs to be self-guided.

Its fair to say that being in a blended family for almost 15 years has already prepped us for mayhem. Initially I was thinking this experience would be a walk in the park since we all have developed such a high tolerance for each other. This whole outbreak thing does feel next-level, however—and I’m not betting on anything going smoothly. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I’m working on keeping everyone busy. My school age kids have been stressed out about their homework and school projects….which we’ve already told them to completely forget about. We just keep redirecting them because it’s all we can do.

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Since we’re all in the same boat, let me offer something here: If you are in the midst of this terrible outbreak or if it’s just getting started where you are— I have some ways I think I can help. Something I’ve seen mentioned a few times already on twitter is the potential for a big uptick in divorce. Families who are used to steady lives will be most affected by this. I’m assuming possibly many people have low tolerance when it comes to interruptions. Just add cramped spaces and increasing tension. But my family was built on chaos and so I think I can help.

The first thing you should do for your kids is establish creative hubs throughout the house—get out some books, art supplies, board games–whatever– and designate a few spaces. Get out the cookbooks and encourage a routine of creating and sharing with others. Let the process of making stuff and learning be time consuming. The whole point here is to learn to slow down. While you’re at it, teach the art of picking up after yourself. Helping each other is key.

I recommend establishing a schedule of sorts. Nothing super rigid, but enough to keep things moving along: At Chez So Called Mom, we’ve developed a schedule kind of like this:

🧼 Wake up and clean yourself, get ready for your day.

🐶 Feed and give attention to your assigned animal.

🏋️‍♀️ Get some form of physical exercise.

💡 Learn something new.

📚 Read, draw, create or fix something.

🧘🏼‍♀️ Encourage downtime—our brains don’t need to be going full tilt.

🍽 Pretend tonight is a celebration—cook something nice, set the table like it was a holiday.

🙏🏼 Help each other clean up and care for the things we have—doing this establishes a sense of gratitude for the things we use, as well as appreciation for each other.

🤬 Whatever you do, don’t freak out…..it’s a work in progress and that’s ok.

Between Pippin and myself — we’ve been on Twitter like maniacs—reacting to each and every ding and reading and retweeting the intense news that no one in their right mind can keep up with anymore. Therefore, we have been trying to balance ourselves—staying informed, but not falling down a rabbit hole too much and letting the day get away from us. After all, the kids are looking to us for direction and we need to stay laser focused on keeping them feeling secure.

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To me, this moment is about taking advantage of living the slow life we’ve all dreamed of—it’s not ideal, but what are the choices? All things considered, I only see a fork in the road: Make the best of what we have to work with or panic and drive each other mad. For us so far, sometimes it’s both, and several times each day, but we are working through it.

This is a team effort and I hope some of what I’m saying gives you ideas on things you can do to stay positive and busy. What are you doing to keep your head about you? Let me know in the comments below—remember, I’m leaning on you, too, for ideas and encouragement.

OK, signing off, wishing you wellness and serenity….until next time.

xo, So Called Mom

So Called Minimalism | Marie Kondo Sparks Joy with the Konmari Method

by SoCalledMom · Jan 16, 2019

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When you’re in a big blended family, clutter feels inevitable and living minimally feels unattainable. I mean, for starters, I collect kids, and they collect all the things: rocks, transformers, slime, unicorns, hair accessories, makeup, books, markers, movies, knickknacks, apps, cookie crumbs, dust, grime, yuck. It’s exponential—like a black hole of swirling stuff that, when piled altogether, looks more like garbage and not like things at all. It’s like living inside of one huge junk drawer.

To be honest, I think I am affected the most by it because I’m the one who cleans the most. So I noticed the buildup the most. While cleaning, I would move things from point A to point B and then back again until I came to terms with the fact that there really wasn’t a spot for whatever it is. But I still wouldn’t get rid of it because I never understood the problem, until now.

Another good reason to purge is we could never find anything. There wasn’t a designated spot for things–now there is. Also the kids’ rooms were always a mess because there was too much. Their disorganization and sloppy living situation wasn’t their fault–they were, in reality, just following my lead :-/. Dealing with the stuff takes alot of time and I want to deal with it less and less–but once and for all.

I mean….I probably did my own nails three times a year….

So to ease the chaos and become more environmentally responsible (end goal in sight), I’m trying something new in the hopes that it makes me, and therefore my family, more aware of how we are a part of this planet.

It starts with education. I’ve read everything I could about living minimally, decluttering and living mindfully—all at once . The reason Marie Kondo’s book is such a hit is because in between adorable Japanese musings of decluttering, we actually are getting a step-by step lesson in how to get rid of stuff that doesn’t spark joy. Indeed, when you start with stuff that has less emotion tied to it (i.e. clothes) it’s easier to rid yourself of things that are emotional to let go of (i.e. that stupid necklace from an ex-boyfriend I’ve had in my jewelry box…seriously…why was it in there and what gave it the right to take up that kind of important space for SO LONG? Yes I cried when I put it in the go-away pile).

The art of tidying up, of decluttering, of minimizing and all the other lingo is really about the art of letting go. When you let go of things that don’t spark joy, you become profoundly aware of what does spark joy. Suddenly you’re surrounded by that stuff, and that stuff only and voila! Life is better.

This is easier to do on your own, than in a family of nine, where the kids have had to face their own things and not necessarily on their own terms. A great point was brought up by one of my teens: paying attention to the difference between joy and guilt when parting with things. For example: This object under your bed that you forgot about was a gift and you don’t exactly love it, but feel ungrateful getting rid of it. Fumio Sasaki’s Goodbye, Things addresses this issue several times to a T. If you’re reading Marie Kondo’s books (The Life-Chanaging Magic of Tidying Up & her sequel Spark Joy) , please read Sasaki’s book along side it—it’s great supportive material.

And here’s something new: getting rid of stuff has all of us reconciling: diet & exercise, people & relationships, jobs and tasks–it has cascaded into the realization that we have choices to make and when we’re more present & conscious and far less distracted, we’re at the helm of how our lives go.

I have also learned this is a practice and not an end game, via Regina Wong’s Make Space. There will be mistakes and we will need to edit as time goes on, but this big purge is astounding enough to make us all acutely aware of consumption. Our discard pile is still growing and what’s amazing is that no-one is visiting it, changing their mind about putting something there. At the same time we’re learning about needs versus wants, and when we think we need, we’re prompted to ask ourselves…yeah but, do we really really need it?

SOLD! 🙁
Letting go of Leopold’s toddler toys meant
saying goodbye to an era that clearly defined me.

Decluttering things that are closer to the heart is so crazy emotional. There is no other way around it, than to just let it be. I have allowed myself to sit with the emotions of letting go of something that might seem materialistic and trivial —but difficult for me. How is it that a material object can become so gummed up with sentimentality that it feels like I’m casting a puppy into a volcano? I have had this awful experience recently while getting rid of Leopold’s wooden firehouse. I made myself post it on Facebook Marketplace and when we let it go, I was overcome with such grief, that it took me the rest of the day to recover. I felt heartless, sick to my stomach and wondered if what I really did was give away something that sparked joy. I was worried that I ignored my gut feeling and mad a mistake.

This is my happy place…and also my sad place.
It helps to think about the day going down the drain when the days are difficult.

But After awhile of sitting with the grief, I began to realize why: It wasn’t the object at all, but the meaning it held. I was ultimately coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have babies anymore. After 18 years, we officially have no-one to pass toys and books and clothes down to. There is no need to open up the baby bins and pull out our favorites. Those things have reached the end of the line and it was time for them to move on. Even writing that ties my stomach in knots. Leopold is not a baby, nor is he a toddler anymore—and there is no-one to fill his shoes—literally. 🙁 I have A LOT of letting go to do in that department. For now, I have a favorites bin that my heart-wrenching baby stuff goes into (well, a few bins…it’s a process).

In many ways tidying up and agreeing to live more minimally has helped me do more than reclaim my sanity. Clutter takes time to clean, takes money to purchase and then store and ultimately blocks joy and serenity, preventing personal growth. But cutting it all loose enables the process of letting go, of acceptance and finally, creating space for living a better life. Not just for you, but for your whole family.

Trust me….you don’t want to see the before images….

Together we’ve set a goal: Can the things we let go of be turned into money and be put into savings? Can every impulse to buy something also get turned over to savings as well? Can that savings amass to the point of buying us all that vacation we’ve been talking about going on for years? The answer is yes. It’s time for a new chapter for our family. We’re learning that being together is all we really need.

Intentional Living for a Family of Nine | Let’s Get Minimal

by SoCalledMom · Jan 2, 2019

Two months before Christmas, I made a horrible mistake.

I started reading several books about minimalism, intentionalism, mindfulness and using the power of less to add more to your life. This recipe for disaster had me not only dragging my heels when the rest of the world was out shopping and spreading transactional cheer, but also considering the stuff we already had and finding reasons to discard & donate.

Only two trips and two Volvo-loads of stuff later, I returned home to find our stuff had multiplied.

Because, like….Christmas hits us like a tidal wave every single year. I used to run and hide, but now I charge ahead, knowing I’ll get bowled over anyway. It is a no-win scenario because in the past, we have been known to walk into Christmas with loose intentions, and way-too-high expectations. There is some kind of sick victory in loosing the battle, truly believing I’m winning (I believe that is called denial). Needless to say, everyone got what they wanted because I’m a sucker (and guilt monger) for disappointment. It’s not a bratty kid thing, I definitely think my kids understand the concept of gratitude. It’s just that there’s something missing from it all.

The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s a moment of pause that each of us is lacking. And in “pausing” when you are getting, getting, getting, and then maybe expressing gratitude, (i.e. taking a breather from screens: another out-of-control form of over indulgence for my family), etc–you tend to generate the kind of awareness that causes a natural assessment of consumption. And, according to all of these books I’ve plowed through–when you become aware of consuming, it spreads to all areas of your life: Self care, clearing clutter (and not just stuff, but people and jobs that no longer serve you), mental health, emotional well-being, diet and exercise….in other words, leading you towards the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of: A life of purpose–discovered through the process of letting go.

And what comes next? You guessed it: When we begin living a life that is in alignment with exactly who we strive to be–happiness is the end result.

I don’t know about you, but I’m double fisting that Kool-Aid and making an extra batch to send in the kids’ school lunches. This very clear and linear road to success has me just about throwing things out the window and I’m trying not to second guess my propensity to set us all up for failure.

Even though all of this information would have been nice to have long before Christmas, you know the So Called Mom way: Better late than never.

And in achieving this higher state of awareness, all I need to do is convince the other seven kids (plus Pippin, who is already skeptical) to hop on board.

Any tips & tricks you have on getting minimal and intentional in a big family are welcome!

In the meantime, here are the books that have exorcized my demons:

Make Space by Regina Wong

Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki

The Mindful Day by Laurie J. Cameron

Spark Joy by Marie Kondo (Spark Joy is a sequel to The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, a great introduction bookif you’re just getting your feet wet)

I hope you join us on this trip to minimal-ville. We have a long road ahead of us and an uncertain road map!

Hitch a ride, we’re just getting started!

So Called Mom