SoCalledMom So Called Mom

Seven Kindergartens Later: So Called Loneliness

by SoCalledMom · Sep 23, 2017

This has been a tough week…

I have been struggling with separation anxiety all week, now that all seven of my kids are finally school age, i.e. not at home anymore. I believe that in the ring of getting older, this is the right hook of empty nest syndrome, with the final jab knocking me down for the count: the kids leaving home for good.

No matter how prepared I think I am, I’m just not. I know I parade around on this page as though I haven’t given up my life for my kids, but when they’re gone like this, I realize how much I actually have. I went from grasping tiny and even medium sized hands for years to grasping at straws–in what feels like no time at all.

When Pippin and I met, it was an instant party.

Combined, we had 5 kids under age 6 when we got together. And because that wasn’t enough, we had two more. We were young ourselves, and Pippin was the perfect partner in all the blended chaos. I remember reading back then about how blended families have a 25% chance of making it past a year before they are usually faced with another divorce. That figure crushed me. I understood why, but when we blazed a trail past each year, still together and still very much in love, I knew we had cracked the code. I felt lucky, overwhelmed, tired, but well-loved and in so many different ways.

I had kids that were mine that weren’t his; kids that were his that weren’t mine; and we had kids together. It wasn’t long before I became concerned that each child would feel lost in our gaggle and made it my personal quest to ensure each one would find their way, and seek out who they are, what makes them unique, and still a very necessary cog in our crazy family wheel.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because not once did I ever think it would change.

Why? Because when we were all together, piled in our 12 passenger Econoline, or all attempting to sleep on the same never-big-enough mattress in the wee hours of the morning when they were collectively much smaller, everything was perfect. I mean, we were far from normal, but this was everything I ever wanted, without really knowing it.

Everyone around me was shocked: She could handle seven kids, let alone one? Yessir, and these kids were everything that defined, or re-defined, family for me: wacky, emotional, hilarious and inconvenient–but chock full of endless, breathtaking love. No wonder I handed over my life to them–what in the hell was I before them? I couldn’t remember because I scrubbed it from my mind for a reason. This was my life now: a permanent upgrade–or so I thought.

Fast forward to today.

Imagine seven different kindergarten goodbyes, spread out over 13 years. You’d think I was a pro by now and although I can handle back to school paperwork in my sleep these days and have even gotten really good at turning down school-wide pleas for me to join the PTA (I jest), I’m definitely not good at the letting go thing. And it’s especially compounded when they are doing so well away from me, and I need to pretend that I am too.

That’s the best picture I’ve seen you draw. You made it all the way across the monkey bars with no help? You spelled your entire name with no help? You check out a library book on spiders all by yourself? Oh, what did I do today? Well, I thought of how great you are doing and then I did some laundry. Unfortunately I had no planned response in my back pocket to offer–that was better at least, than a soggy sandwich reply like thinking of you and laundry.

So the best thing I can do for myself is to look for a job; I simply can’t take the quiet. They go do their thing during the day and I go and do mine and we can talk about it each night and I can adjust. Slowly but surely. So that I can ultimately get myself ready for those much bigger goodbyes coming down the line…and if I’m not mistaken, my first is about seven months out.

Better get good at this,

So-Called Mom

So-Called FREE Time: Back to School

by SoCalledMom · Sep 15, 2017

Remember this? Working on science fair projects while cleaning pasta sauce off the kitchen ceiling, balancing a gnarly diaper in one hand and a smelly baby in the other, running to answer the door because the electrical guy needs access to the breaker box (wherever that is) while the doctor’s office is calling to reschedule the appointment you’d forgotten about anyway? That was me last year. This year? Not so much, and I’m kind of weirded out by it.

Those were the days when we’d get through it all by sucking down wine at the end of the night and hopefully stealing a late night soak in the tub to wash it all (including that baby poop smell) down the drain. We’d let our minds sneak off to that place that we fondly recall as the days before we had kids…

Well, now that every last one of the kids is in school, we have free time again. And although it’s different now, and there’s really no getting back to that pre-kids place, do we know what the hell to do with ourselves? I don’t. And I didn’t prepare for it either.

What is it about being a mom that keeps us laser focused on everything else but ourselves? In the meantime, we’ve forgotten who we are as beautiful women, as a person with a passion, and a human being who makes mistakes. But in the process of being a perfect mom who balances the universe on our shoulders, never letting our kids down, we’re letting ourselves down and running ourselves into the ground–albeit with a (forced) smile on our face.

The worst part? No one really asks this of us. We just voluntarily throw ourselves off the cliff like lemmings, landing face-first and resentful as this weeks trending mom-martyr. And so, when life ~~presents us~~ crowns us with a bundle of free time each day, we sort of let it eat us alive, rather than the other way around. At least that is how I have felt the first couple of weeks have been since back-to-school surprised me with this awkward emptiness. I have not dominated my use of free time. It has knocked me out and I’m trying to get up gracefully, like it never happened.

So, check out the video above, where I detail five ways us So-Called Moms can get our groove back. If you have something to add, please do so by plugging your ideas into the comments below; I’d love to know what you do to make the most out of your time.

Have the most fabulous weekend ever,

So-Called Mom

How to RECLAIM Your Husband

by SoCalledMom · Sep 13, 2017

Being in a relationship for a long time takes work.

We get so lost in being mom that it’s easy to let everything else slide. Self care is a big deal to keep at the top of your list, even though it keeps slipping to the bottom, just below wash the dog and don’t forget toilet paper.

It comes as no surprise then, that our relationship with the person we said I do to also finds its way to the bottom of that list. Most days, we can barely say Good night before falling asleep let alone get any action in to keep the game going. Which it’s why I think it’s critical to recognize the game needs a pep talk long before the whole thing is benched, if you know what I mean.

Having alone time is new to us. We have always had a little kid at home, for every single one of the 11 years we’ve been together. Last week was the end of that lifestyle and now we’re coming to terms with it. So, to keep things fresh, I wasted zero time in basically saying: We are alone during the day now. Do you remember my name? and then I cooked up something to get us on the same page again. Of course it wouldn’t be fair if I was placing this all on him. He’s usually really considerate and very aware of my needs. I’m typically the one who has the attention span of a goldfish when it comes to us time. Which is why making the first move was important to me this time around (see video in post):

I don’t want to admit it, but this could take some getting used to. When I’m in my race-car-in-a-red mode with all 7 kids needing something at once, I can think of a zillion things I dream about doing if I only had the time.

Now that I’m suddenly endowed with 8 hours to myself Monday through Friday, I’m kind of shocked that I’m at such a loss for things to do– it’s ridiculous. There is definitely room for working at getting our relationship back in shape (there always is, in my mind). And then of course, I need to remember that sweatpants and the same ratty sweater in the morning isn’t sexy and neither is my masquerading bedhead. So reclaiming myself should also get put back at the top of the list, too. We’ll see how it goes…

So-Called Mom

Back to School: KINDERGARTEN FAIL

by SoCalledMom · Sep 9, 2017

I still can’t decide if missing my So-Called Baby’s first day of kindergarten has done me any favors or not.

And when I say, miss, I mean really miss, as in all of us, missing kindergarten–including the kindergartener. That was a serious wtf moment on my part.

Is there anything worse than waltzing in a day late, becoming an instant winner for the Most Clueless Parent award?

No, there isn’t.

But, in the So-Called Mom spirit, I have discovered the bright side to screwing up (again). And that is: It’s far less painful to send your last baby off to school when you don’t have time to wallow in the loss. I was just getting ready to dip my toe in to test those wallowing waters, when I got the call from the school essentially shouting: Come on in, the water’s fine!

see video:

And it is fine. I just feel a little short changed. I wanted the same experience as any other mom. I wanted to be able to weep like an idiot while pretending to not nurture the insecurity of my nervous, new-backpack-clinging kid. I wanted to tear him off of my leg in the classroom and leave so I could walk my trauma down the hall like it was a life sentence.

Instead, we skipped all that nonsense and shoehorned ourselves into a no-big-deal second day at school.

Was it for the better? I’m leaning towards yes, but I don’t know if that’s just to make myself feel good about messing it up. Everything happens for a reason–so maybe this was to make the transition slightly more sane.

In any case, I need to step up my game so the teacher knows I’m not a flake (because I’m not). I signed up to volunteer in the classroom, and I really want to be one of those very present and very dependable moms at school. Of course I’ll make 20 color copies and staple packets for you. Of course I’ll read age-appropriate stories to them while you grade papers. Of course I’ll stand outside in the rain during recess for extra supervision. The fact that I forgot the first day of school doesn’t mean anything–a mere coincidence beyond my control.

Even if I become the New (and Improved) So-Called School Super Mom, it doesn’t take away the fact that I have never-before-seen free time on my hands. Besides cleaning the house like a psycho while the kids are gone, I think I’m going to make some intentional plans with my husband to get us both on the same page again. We’ll see if we remember each others names first and then go from there.

So-Called Mom

One Size Fits NONE Parenting

by SoCalledMom · Sep 7, 2017

Almost 20 years ago, I thought I could master parenting with one kid, and the rest would follow suit:

Raising all my other kids would be an effortless, sweat-free cake walk and I could dust my hands off at the finish line (with plenty of stamina left) and say: Well, that was really something. I’m glad I was so focused on being a good parent straight out of the gate. Yay me!

(I’ll pause to allow you to collect yourself from laughing on the floor.)

To this day, I’m not sure why I thought it would be so easy.

But one thing is for sure: parenting seven kids isn’t like having a full time job. It’s like having SEVEN full time jobs. That I volunteer at, have cleaned a lot of poop at, and if it were considered a “real job” (ahem), I’d be logging complaints with HR all day, every day (You put the rings from my jewelry box on your WHAT?!? And this isn’t the first time???). You get the idea, I’m sure.

That’s why Back to School can be such a circus around here. If I’m not tearing out my hair trying to get my nearing adult teen on a path out of the house, I’m chasing down a school bus with MJ (or chasing after her with her lunch, her flute, her backpack, her anything), or answering my phone only to discover that the So-Called Baby’s first day of kindergarten was missed because I put the wrong day on my calendar. It was TODAY?? But my letter said the….oh….today. Yes, yes, he will be there tomorrow. Sorry about that!

So much for effortless & sweat-free!

Although every one of my kids needs something special, different or a certain way to ensure semi-success, and my calendar is impossible to nail down, and so is my timeliness and, well, brain–I somehow love it. I can juggle, I can multi-task, I can withstand kid-based torture like a Navy Seal on zero sleep–even though I’m always just slightly drowning in it all. I’m grateful they broke the mold after each kid arrived because there is no room for cut-and-paste parenting in this family. By fair means or foul, these kids keeps me going.

So-Called Mom

Back to School: Fast Forward Senior Year

by SoCalledMom · Sep 5, 2017

It’s back to school season everywhere and the one thing I can promise you on my page is a alot of everything, age-wise. Of course, there is no lack of conversation, or in this case: me asking you, dear readers, for advice.

Take my oldest Jake, for instance: One big struggle with parenting is that it’s easy to get comfortable in a “time zone”. Of course we take great notice when our kids become teens, but after that? It’s a fine line to walk to total failure. You spend the rest of that teen-time struggling to get out of the way so they can develop some independence, only to learn at the last minute, they still don’t have any–or at least the kind they need to get off to a successful start.

There must be some parental gray area between: fill out this application or email your teacher, and straight up doing it for them– but I have yet to find it. And trying to find the wide spectrum of choices that exists with a teenager isn’t easy when they’ve adopted the typical this-or-that attitude. For example: If college is not an option currently, what will you do to make sure you are personally developing, and not rotting in front of a screen? Not, All I know is that I’m likely not going to college. And that’s it?

It’s straight up painful to know that my kid can shoot for the stars and land among them, yet he doesn’t even try to get off the couch, or live beyond mine. What is going on here?

I have poured over parenting books, hoping for a miracle elixir and have turned up nothing. It’s hard to know what needs doing at this stage, only a handful of months before (possibly, dependent) adulthood. And while I like having him around, I do not want him to get comfortable as described in the video above because his entire life is waiting for him to be awesome.

I’m determined to get this figured out, so if you have any words of wisdom, I’m open.

T-Minus 9 months and counting…

So Called Mom

Back to School with SEVEN Kids

by SoCalledMom · Sep 1, 2017

We handle back to school much like we handle Christmas in our house: We begin shopping as the store is closing its doors on the very last day, attend everything late or not at all, and then wonder why everything is disorganized and chaotic. It’s supposed to be fun, filled with new beginnings, togetherness and offer a good chance to get off on the right foot–but does any mom pull it off as planned? This is our rendition:

Do you really need a thousand pencils on the first day? Can we start with ONE eraser and go from there? Can’t we just *make* paper plates? Oh look! Your sneakers from last year look great now that I’ve hosed them off!

I’m not winning any popularity contests with the kids anytime soon, but it does feel like each year is more excessive than the last. I do my best to explain this to them. Sometimes I can get away with statements like: It’s more sustainable to re-use your backpack from last year. Other times I just suck it up and take the plunge on million dollar rain boots, or those blingy markers, knowing that I’m improving someone’s chance at being hip (tenfold). Don’t get me wrong, I love spoiling my kids and I do when I can, it’s just that out-of-control Back to School shopping can easily cost us a mortgage payment or two. So does Christmas–so we need to be careful.

But this is a very special year, and I’m doing my best to kick butt in the retail section and bring many smiles to many faces. Jake is “celebrating” his last year in school as a senior and Leopold is just getting started as a kindergartener. And, I’d like to sneak in the fact that I will be home alone for the first time in almost two decades. To kick it all off, I made a video of what life is going to be like this school year:

We’ll pull it off, we always do.

So called Mom

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