SoCalledMom

I had a dream last night that a vaccination was made for the Coronavirus but the president wouldn’t allow it. I woke up pissed off and afraid and also worried that it wasn’t really a dream. 

Sometimes my thoughts just zoom way out of my reality and I can’t come to terms with what’s really going on in our world. But then I see beautiful people singing on their balconies in an effort to help everyone feel like they aren’t alone in this. 

And then I realize this *is* our reality. Coming together over this very preventable travesty has brought about a new version of myself. 

If yesterday was designated as a day to consciously move slower and with more intention, let today be the day we realize what we do have:

Each other. 

Today I’m celebrating people fighting the good fight. I’m celebrating the planet which apparently is trying to tell us how much they needed a break from us. I’m trying to refocus this forced pause on our lives, into opportunity. What are we learning from this as each day goes on? 

I’m learning that while anything can happen, one thing is for certain: Our filthy excuse for a presidential administration will not prevail. We will. 

Thanks to everyone who is working overtime to protect, serve and give others the will to survive. We all are for ever indebted to you. 

xo,

So called mom

First of all, I’m trying not to get supremely annoyed by the fact that I’ve started a Coronavirus journal. For what its worth I feel drawn to cover this experience as it unfolds and hopefully provide you with something helpful. Like most of us, I was thinking this would blow over—however once the news about Italy took over my feed, I was sure the US would be next in line for this horrifying outbreak.

Therefore, life as we know it, is officially over.

Because we live in Washington, the epicenter of this outbreak, I’m thankful Pippin insisted on keeping the kids home from school for the last two weeks, despite State officials not acting quickly to close until yesterday. AND despite receiving a notice from the kids’ school threatening to file a petition with juvenile court because of their absences. At this point, we have about a three-week run on this thing.

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But none of that matters today. It feels very much on the brink of every man for himself now. I hope it doesn’t get that crazy, but the lack of experience us privileged Americans have with this kind of thing has me thinking otherwise. So, I’m glad we’ve been self-isolated for a stretch of time, except a couple big trips to the store and me getting my things from work so I can attempt to focus and work from home.

Like many moms and dads, I’m working on not going insane while keeping the kids from going going insane or driving each other insane. I suppose an upside to this mess is that I once used to homeschool the kids and have never relied too much on the school system for getting the job done anyway. That doesn’t mean I did the best job at it either—but it does mean that we have tons of homeschool supplies and I’m not afraid to use them….or, better yet, let them use them. Because lets just admit, us parents are freaking out too, so any time spent on learning, needs to be self-guided. 

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Its fair to say that being in a blended family for almost 15 years has already prepped us for mayhem. Initially I was thinking this experience would be a walk in the park since we all have developed such a high tolerance for each other. This whole outbreak thing does feel next-level, however—and I’m not betting on anything going smoothly. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I’m working on keeping everyone busy. My school age kids have been stressed out about their homework and school projects….which we’ve already told them to completely forget about. We just keep redirecting them because it’s all we can do. 

Since we’re all in the same boat, let me offer something here: If you are in the midst of this terrible outbreak or if it’s just getting started where you are— I have some ways I think I can help. Something I’ve seen mentioned a few times already on twitter is the potential for a big uptick in divorce. Families who are used to steady lives will be most affected by this. I’m assuming possibly many people have low tolerance when it comes to interruptions. Just add cramped spaces and increasing tension. But my family was built on chaos and so I think I can help.

The first thing you should do for your kids is establish creative hubs throughout the house—get out some books, art supplies, board games–whatever– and designate a few spaces. Get out the cookbooks and encourage a routine of creating and sharing with others. Let the process of making stuff and learning be time consuming. The whole point here is to learn to slow down. While you’re at it, teach the art of picking up after yourself. Helping each other is key.

I recommend establishing a schedule of sorts. Nothing super rigid, but enough to keep things moving along: At Chez So Called Mom, we’ve developed a schedule kind of like this: 

🧼 Wake up and clean yourself, get ready for your day. 

🐶 Feed and give attention to your assigned animal.

🏋️‍♀️ Get some form of physical exercise.

💡 Learn something new.

📚 Read, draw, create or fix something.

🧘🏼‍♀️ Encourage downtime—our brains don’t need to be going full tilt.

🍽 Pretend tonight is a celebration—cook something nice, set the table like it was a holiday.

🙏🏼 Help each other clean up and care for the things we have—doing this establishes a sense of gratitude for the things we use, as well as appreciation for each other. 

🤬 Whatever you do, don’t freak out…..it’s a work in progress and that’s ok.

Between Pippin and myself — we’ve been on Twitter like maniacs—reacting to each and every ding and reading and retweeting the intense news that no one in their right mind can keep up with anymore. Therefore, we have been trying to balance ourselves—staying informed, but not falling down a rabbit hole too much and letting the day get away from us. After all, the kids are looking to us for direction and we need to stay laser focused on keeping them feeling secure.

To me, this moment is about taking advantage of living the slow life we’ve all dreamed of—it’s not ideal, but what are the choices? All things considered, I only see a fork in the road: Make the best of what we have to work with or panic and drive each other mad. For us so far, sometimes it’s both, and several times each day, but we are working through it.

This is a team effort and I hope some of what I’m saying gives you ideas on things you can do to stay positive and busy. What are you doing to keep your head about you? Let me know in the comments below—remember, I’m leaning on you, too, for ideas and encouragement. 

OK, signing off, wishing you wellness and serenity….until next time.

xo, So Called Mom

I have been wanting to make a How to Blend your Family video for a while now and the more Pippin & I talked about it, the more we realized it’s not really a topic that can be covered in a 10 minute video. So we decided to launch this video as the first of many, since there is so much information to ingest.

Today is the 13th anniversary of when our families met and the story is pretty sweet. Pippin and I met as strangers on MySpace (the original Tinder??) and became instant friends. We quickly decided to meet up again; this time with his two kids and my three at a playground. Collectively, we had five kids under six years of age and as crazy as it sounds, it was instant perfection. Everything I wanted, really.

I soon discovered the intricacies and complexities of blending and did some research; discovering that only 15% of blended families actually stay together and survive. This made me sad, and highly concerned. So we developed our own means of joining that small percentage.

Over the next few posts, we’ll share our experience and some tips on how to not only survive, but thrive, in a blended family:

Make room for change.

Soon after we met, I was changed in ways I had always wanted. I felt like I understood what being a great parent was through him. I felt educated and awakened to the meaning of family for the first time in my life. But there was SO MUCH working against us:  the other parents, friends, family, finances, careers, perceptions, status quo, statistics. Everything else said no to us, but all those obstacles didn’t hold us back, even though we knew they’d consistently threaten and challenge our relationship. 

There were numerous times where we both got scared, but Pippin always remained. And he didn’t just stick around, he pulled weight in ways I have never seen a man pull weight before. He did the dishes, cooked (thankfully, because I couldn’t), cleaned and more than anything, just genuinely wanted to be around me. He truly was the other 50% in a relationship everyone dreams of.

He quit his job when we moved in together to save money that was otherwise going to daycare for two kids. I got to keep my career and he became the stay at home dad before it was hip. 

The first step in our relationship was recognizing, and frequently discussing, the changes taking place. We knew that in order for this thing to work, we had to be on the same page–at all times. That meant equal treatment on all fronts. It meant we were a solid unit. So no surprises or disruptions. This also meant going to court a lot to fight for our rights to see his kids, which was expensive and stressful. But supportive and necessary. Whatever we did, we did it together. There was no: your kids vs my kids. They were ours. And we parented the same across the board.

Dodge the Drama.

At one point, we had five kids coming and going from our home. It was hard, especially with his kids because the relationships with both of those moms was strained already and adding me to the mix was definitely not helping. (Wait, did I say both moms?? You bet I did. Pippin had two kids, 7 months apart from one another with two women during very rough stages of their own lives.) They would absolutely torment him with parenting time. Basically, whenever they needed a babysitter or grew tired of being mom, they’d tell him it was his turn. They were so out-of-control and rotten, I offered to fill the gap: Let’s have one together. You guessed it, they were furious and things got worse.

Without realizing it, Pascal would become what we now call the anchor kid. She really was the thing that not only bound us all together, but kept all of us on solid ground. There were times when I thought, what a horrible amount of pressure to put on a child–the responsibility of holding us all together–but even now, it is as though she just knows. It is an unspoken responsibility that she has carried with such grace for the last 11 years.

As time progressed, Pascal started to experience the coming and going of our family members herself. It was heartbreaking to watch her as the youngest of 6 kids one minute, and then an only child the next, as the family dwindled due to pick up. We thought about having another for a long time and finally agreed we wouldn’t. Then we had an oops baby and then miscarried him (this was absolutely devastating. I’ll save discussing this for another day). The nurse told us to try again and he would become Leopold.

As we built up our tiny army of amazing kids, the other moms became absolutely out-of-their-minds. One mom thought it would be smart to send pills in a ziplock baggie to our house in Phoenix’s backpack and not in the labeled prescription container because she didn’t want us to find out she was administering ADHD meds, and subsequently hoped he’d remember to take them on his own at our house. Picture me, then, discovering little Leopold toddling down the hall with that same baggy in his hand. How many had he eaten? What were they? That was a fun trip to the ER. It was NOT fun for her to hear me out on that one. Let’s just say the relationship changed.

The other mom had problems of her own and instead of letting Em live with us while she got on her feet, she taught her how to live on the street. I remember it like it was yesterday: Em telling me how to walk around a grocery store “shopping” while eating from the cart and then ditching all the groceries, unpaid. We quickly learned that camping didn’t mean camping like on a trip in the woods, but under bridges and along sidewalks. In short, Em was unsupervised and in danger. Back to court…and this time, we won.

Now, I don’t mean for that “we won” to come across as thought it was a real win. It wasn’t a game. And everyone suffered from this perceived win, especially Em, when her mother decided against taking 2 weeks to get on her feet, and instead went on a permanent road trip. That was seven years ago.

Long story short, Blended families will come with all sorts of super duper cray cray drama, and it is so easy to get caught up in it. Each time I felt sucked in, I would have to re-aliagn myself: This isn’t about me. It’s not about them either. It’s about the kids. What do they need right now and how can I give that to them? I put myself last so many times and felt just as empty. Only because I was expecting something from it. It took me time to realize: No one is going to swoop in and thank you for doing this…but are you really doing it for the thanks? No, I wasn’t. I did it for Pippin, who had done so much for me.

I look forward to continuing this conversation because there is so much to talk about. The statistics for failed second marriages involving kids is just too high: 85%! When you agree to blend, do it in a way that is right for both of you. Reject status quo, because once you blend, you are now everything but status quo. Normal is boring, anyway–and you’ll never have it. Allow yourself the time to adjust, consistently seek opportunities to let go of any pressure to be a certain way. Most of all, get and stay on the same page as your partner. Become partners for life and shield yourselves against the things you cannot control (i.e. the mama drama).

Until next time,

So Called Mom