Archives for August 2017

Screen Detox for Beginners: A How-to Guide

by SoCalledMom · Aug 30, 2017

Last week was enlightening.

I learned quite a bit about my kids, myself and basically got to know our entire family more–without having screens in our faces.

We enjoyed it so much (despite the tribulations) that I thought I’d make a simple How To video (complete with real life examples!) that hopefully will inspire you to join in.

It sounds/feels/and kind of is a terrible idea to begin with, especially with all the I’m Bored commentary, but it’s totally worth it. Check out the guide above for help. I promise, the first 24 hours is the hard part–but just like anything, it gets easier with time. Plus, you get your family back!

C’mon! Join in, get your family back and start the school year off proper! Really, if I can do it, so can you.

So Called Mom

The Business of Being Bored: Surviving Screen Free Week

by SoCalledMom · Aug 29, 2017

It’s official. I hate the words: I’m BORED.

I mean, I hated those words long before we went a week without screens sucking the life out of us, but I hate it even more now. We don’t want our kids to be bored. We want them to be entertained and even better, to be doing something worthwhile. We want them to make the most out of their childhood. And we don’t want to be living life for them, but since screens have arrived on the scene, playtime doesn’t seem to come naturally anymore. So we have to keep pushing for it.

So when the kids came to me with the idea of doing a lemonade stand, I was all for it:

I think they forgot about their boredom for the entire afternoon and wound up having a great time, celebrating these final days of summer.

As of today, I’m trying to get everyone to substitute the word bored with free time. It just sounds better, like the start of a solution, instead of the end of ambition: Entertain me, I’m bored. Yikes!

This is hard to commit to, even so. I’d love for this to be our new ground zero. Letting the kids free range with screens as they please makes parenting a snap because you can get away with putting in less effort. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. When you pull the plug on screen time, you’re forced to join in and work harder at engagement. There’s a lot of together time–a lot of active time–and we all feel way more wiped out by sundown than we ever have. And it’s not always fun or easy–but we try and that’s what counts.

I don’t know how long the kids are going to stick with it, but with school looming just around the corner, I have high hopes that it will have at least some longevity at our house.

One day at a time….

So-Called Mom

SURVIVING SCREEN FREE WEEK: This is What BORED Looks Like.

by SoCalledMom · Aug 25, 2017

This week I have learned a very important lesson. Being BORED is not a bad thing.

In fact, the negative aspect of going screen-free with your kids can and will be flipped and even flip on it’s own, in time. Putting our phones away for an entire week (or more if I get my way) has turned into a family luxury all of the sudden.

In a world where our brains receive a constant typhoon of information via our screens, it’s a welcome relief to halt that influx of individualized stimuli. The result?

We suddenly have nothing to do.

When we find ourselves in this spot, seen as a void in the beginning, we are creating space for our minds to have downtime. To relax and release accumulated stress and also to return to a natural state of imagination, exploration and inventiveness. And I’m not talking about putting the screen down for a few hours. I mean days– weeks even. It’s magical.

The kids have especially shown me how detaching from screens is essential, so we can thrive elsewhere in life:

And while they are still asking me how many days and hours are left until they get their devices back, those requests are dwindling. Which means we are slowly getting back to the land of Here is how you make fun without having something or someone do it for you. Also known as: Parental Paradise.

So-Called Mom

Screen Detox: The first 24 hours

by SoCalledMom · Aug 23, 2017

When I announced a plea to go screen free and have a hard reset before school starts, the teenagers acted like I was asking them to hold their breath until I said stop.

Side Note: The trouble with having a gaggle of children in your family is that at some point they get older, and band together, much like a wolf pack. My set of four teens (ages 17-14): Jake, Phoenix, Em and Milla (and soon to be MJ, ack!) have grown up and into an unbreakable bond. As a result, they have learned the subtle art of luring me into the middle so they can pounce. Well played on their part, I must say. However, when they stick up for each other like this (even when they did something wrong), I get tangled in the conflict easily. If they didn’t defend each other with such hard core allegiance, I wouldn’t find myself arguing with one kid about the other while they are sitting right next to me.

In the case of screens and teens and my sudden aptitude for inhumanity (well, according to them), their wolf-pack tactic was in full play:

But I insist. This hard reset is all about developing new habits. It’s about cutting way back and figuring out where the trouble spots are and finally arriving at what the balance is. I believe wholeheartedly that we can do better than this, and I fully accept the blame in not setting these boundaries from the get-go. But in my So Called Mom spirit, I’m fixing it now, and that’s what matters. Because there’s nothing worse than contributing to a generation of kids who can’t look 6-12 inches past their noses.

As of 24 hours later, I still feel grounded and confident in this decision. Everyone has been keeping busy enough with board games and going outside. But Hmmm, what will Day TWO bring us?

So-Called Mom

How to Rescue your Kids (and maybe even yourself) from Screens

by SoCalledMom · Aug 21, 2017

Hands up if you’re tired of your kids being so completely disconnected from life due to the mini-computer they hold in their otherwise would-be-curious hands.

Keep your hands up if you’re just as bad as they are. I thought so.

Forgive me for sounding so authoritative here, I’m only coasting on the fumes of my eldest teen who has since returned from Outward Bound as a completely enlightened human. But trust me when I tell you, I am just as bad at this whole screen thing as the next parent. See?

But that doesn’t mean we ditch the effort and accept the reality of a disengaged household. Nope. We must try harder. There are a multitude of reasons to do so, among them:

REALITY.

We need to teach kids not to believe everything they see. Pascal, just because you see someone that looks and talks like Donald Trump on America’s Got Talent, doesn’t mean it happened.

ISOLATION.

Tiny screens create a limitless world ready for our inquiring fingertips, but it does also keep us from actually going out and experiencing that world. Culture is something that we Americans lack collectively. The Taj Mahal would like to see you in person, with or without your damn phone (read: camera), sure–but definitely not through it. It’s much bigger in person, I’m guessing.

HEALTH.

Nature Defecit Disorder is a really big problem. And I’m not just talking exercise–I’m talking mind/body/soul. You can’t get that through organized sports or a simple walk in your neighborhood. You must actually go into the wild and get replenished. Try it for a day, push for a weekend or a week.

RESILIENCE.

When you have a device that does whatever you say, you tend to limit your experience. You huddle into your comfort zone and stay there. Without it, you’re releasing the need to always always have something to hold onto: hereby strengthening confidence.

PLAY.

This isn’t just about the outdoors. This is also a return to the imagination and a well deserved break for the mind. The brain craves simplicity. It processes so much every day and then we keep thinking this way in our sleep, or the busy spill-over becomes why we can’t sleep.

So for this week, I’m going to practice what I preach. Good timing, I think, since school is just around the corner. I know I’ll get some pushback from them, when I pluck those phones from their desperate hands, but what’s the worst thing that could happen? A little boredom? A little imagination comes back? A little gratitude for living in an environment where the water is clean for swimming and the fields aren’t landfills? All I can say is that I’ve got Jake on my side, the oldest and most influential of everyone. So if he can do it for 15 days and see the upside so clearly, so can everyone else.

Wish me Luck,

So-Called Mom

How the WILDERNESS Changed my TEENAGER

by SoCalledMom · Aug 18, 2017

The last 15 days, have been the longest 15 days of our lives. A whole lotta change has taken place.

My eldest kid, 17-year-old Jake, has been away on an Outward Bound white water rafting and mountaineering course and I have had zero contact with him until pickup yesterday. For those of you not in the know, Outward Bound is a global organization that specializes in exposing your kid to the outdoors which also, naturally, helps them discover and overcome their own personal hurdles and blockages in life–ultimately giving an individual a lesson in themselves and an opportunity to seek improvement and acceptance. There are a multitude of courses offered–from 60 day dogsledding treks across Alaska, to 100 day boating navigation adventures from Maine to Bahamas, to diving and service based work in Costa Rica, etc. Since Outward Bound was so new to us, we chose to stay in Oregon–knowing that Jake would still get exactly what he needed to get, without traveling far from our own backyard.

The first few days were a nightmare. And of course, I’m only speaking for me. But you can bet I was transferring it to him: this emptiness and lack of knowing what’s happening is scary and horrible! This must be how he feels too! So I spent a couple of days assuming what was going on out there: that he was hating it, and hating me. But then I had to admit I surely wasn’t giving him enough credit. This was about him proving to himself that he could do it–and here I was making rude bets and sneaky arrangements with my subconscious that he couldn’t.

So I just let it all go.

If he hated me at the end, well then, it was the beginning of making up for a lifetime of holding him back. But if he didn’t, it was worth the risk, discomfort and challenge of becoming a better parent.

Check out the full adventure in my YouTube playlist here: So Called Outward Bound Adventure

Prepping a teen for adulthood is harder than anything. Mostly because the act of getting them ready to fly from the nest is also getting you ready–for the absence, for the extra space, for not hearing from him, for not knowing what’s going on, for missing out, missing him, for the rest of my kids to follow him out the door. And so, you’re right in thinking that this adventure away from home was just as much about prepping me for the future of Jake, as it was him. Although I didn’t completely realize it at the time.

I had to work hard at dismissing my thoughts in order to make space for him to come home, not as a different kid–but an adult who didn’t need me anymore.

I had to be honest with myself and let go of needing him to need me–because he doesn’t anymore and he hasn’t for a long time. But before you start weeping and cracking open the wine in solidarity with my sad realization, let me remind us So-Called Moms, that this doesn’t need to be examined under a fatalistic lens. It’s critical to interrupt this overthinking and deeply consider what we really want for our kids and own when we are tragically holding them back. Do we want to raise them into adults who are clingy and afraid or bold and sturdy? I vote for the second option. I’m sure we all do, but which side do our actions really nurture? Because even if we think we are encouraging them to be bold and resilient, our actions often communicate otherwise. No wonder they get so frustrated with us.

At the end of each Outward Bound course, there is an opportunity for self reflection that the staff offers as an option to students who are ready: the 24 hour solo trip. I was surprised that Jake opted to participate over the alternative: Summit the mountain with the rest of the group, whom he had become close with. But instead he hiked 1/2 mile away from everyone and spent 24 hours alone. I bet going solo was Jake’s version of summiting the mountain. I haven’t asked, but I think he knew the summit would be easy for him and sitting alone for what felt like an eternity and counting on no-one but himself was the challenge that he was after. I’m just shocked he didn’t take the easy way out: summit that mountain, coast through the rest of the course and finish the trip with flying colors. But no, he actually wanted to sit alone with his thoughts, which took a level courage I didn’t know he had. Maybe he didn’t either. Now that is something to open our wine and toast to!

Cheers,

So-Called Mom

How to make up for WEAK Parenting

by SoCalledMom · Aug 10, 2017

We are at the halfway point with Jake being at Outward Bound. Even though we haven’t heard from him at all, I already know how much change and growth is happening. I know because I can feel it happening to me. I feel strength, confidence and like a huge leap has been taken into adulthood. And I haven’t been there to hinder him.

I hate to make it about me, but I fully recognize that I was a big part of the problem.

Case in point, here I am tying his shoes, not once, but twice, in the last week leading up to this thing.

Embarrassing, I know!

This is a really good exercise in accountability. I really believe that most of us So-Called Moms don’t intentionally meddle or try to mess up our kids. I think we have babies, teach them to survive and then continue, out of habit, to teach them they need us. For everything. And then we get frustrated when they get frustrated with us for not letting them take on their own life, even when they are sending very clear messages.

It’s never too late to redeem yourself for all those years you did some crazy hand holding when it definitely was not needed. I’m excited to see him, but I’m also excited to have him come back and be unfamiliar to me. He’s on his own now.

I’m grateful for this program. I knew I would be, but this is a different level. I feel like Outward Bound is our family’s version of what most parents would consider Yale or Harvard for their kid. There is nothing more to say about it. I’m beaming just sitting here writing about an experience I am really only speculating about. And the bast part is knowing that it’s not speculation, but intuition. And that’s all I need to become the parent that I’ve always wanted to be.

So-Called Mom